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Need help with my child getting kicked out of the house by DH.

Posted by on Jul. 27, 2012 at 11:39 PM
  • 17 Replies

Hello, I am in desparate need of advice from anyone who has been here... 

I have been married to my DH for 14 years. We have not been getting along well for a while now but DH is currently going through Chemo and times are very stressful.  We have 2 sons together 13 and 6, and my oldest son is almost 18.  I have been married to DH since he was almost 4.  Oldest's biological father was once a steady part, but not since he was about 14.

DH and my oldest do not get along. They have not seen eye to eye since about age 12, when puberty kicked in.  This has caused anger, hurt, and resentment in each of them, most of all mutual disrespect.  My oldest is very troubled by my DH and does not agree with his parenting style.  So now that he is almost 18 he has voiced his opinions more and more and the other day, DH kicked him out of our house.  My oldest is pretty much grown, but still needs help due to psychological problems and immaturity in some areas. He does not have a drivers license yet but has graduated high school.  He still needs parenting.

I am so torn up inside and angry because I want to finish raising my oldest but DH is claiming that him living at home is causing him too much stress.  I can't finish raising him while he lives with my parents (where he is currently), and am so angry at DH that I can hardly look at him.  I have hardly slept in days because I am just sick over this situation.  I miss my oldest so very much, as do my other 2 sons.

Also, if he stays with my parents he will probably have to move out of state with them in the next couple of months.  I am trying to do the best that I can with this situation but I feel if I stay home with DH and my 2 sons, that they will be better off but I am desserting my oldest.  If I leave DH then I am hurting my 2 sons but then I can continue to help my oldest who is not yet ready for the real world. 

Any advice, please share. Thanks.

by on Jul. 27, 2012 at 11:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
princessilaria2
by on Jul. 28, 2012 at 12:18 AM
2 moms liked this
Your in a tough situation, but I don't think we ever finish *parenting* our children, no matter how old they get.
So if he's graduated, then I think your husband has a right to ask him to leave. Sometimes our chicks need to be pushed from the nest in order to fly.
Unless you plan on having ds live with you the rest of your life, don't let it ruin your marriage.
We don't stop being parents when they move out.
the4mutts
by on Jul. 28, 2012 at 12:34 AM
2 moms liked this
He's YOUR child, right? So have him move back if you don't feel you're ready for him to move. What's DH going to do? Divorce you?
But since you want him home so bad, you have to make sure he keeps his attitude in check. If he disrespects DH, then you will be to blame for allowing him back.
Its a tough choice, but ultimately you have to decide if you want to try to control your son's attitude, and let him back, or let him go his own way for a while.
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Cheryl_M
by Member on Jul. 28, 2012 at 7:25 AM
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Stress is never a reason to kick out a child (no matter what their age). I understand what your husband is dealing with having to undergo chemo (my father died from a terminal brain tumor when I was 16), but stress is no excuse.

Get your entire family into family counseling as soon as possible. The chemo situation alone is enough to warrant counseling. Also - men often go through a severe selfish phase when dealing with a major health issue (from my counselor - hubby had open-heart surgery 2 years ago and is finally getting over his selfish phase...I've wanted to knock his lights out for a LONG time).

There was a time in my late teens when I was troubled, and desperately wanted to move home. My mother wouldn't let me because she was afraid it would cause problems with my sister. Even though I've been in couseling on and off for years, and she and I have talked about it, I still feel like she "fed me to the lions" because my little sister was a spoiled brat and threatened to move out (she wouldn't have - she lived at home until she was 28 and got married and bought her own house, even though mom re-married and she hated our step-father).

Personally, if I were you, I would bring your child home. Let your husband do what he's going to do. He's an adult and doesn't need you as much as your son does, regardless of what health problems he's going through. If he tries to make you choose between him and your son, it's his problem, not yours.

sjump25
by on Jul. 28, 2012 at 8:52 AM
1 mom liked this
Good advice. I agree. That is a tough situation though. Good luck.

Quoting princessilaria2:

Your in a tough situation, but I don't think we ever finish *parenting* our children, no matter how old they get.

So if he's graduated, then I think your husband has a right to ask him to leave. Sometimes our chicks need to be pushed from the nest in order to fly.

Unless you plan on having ds live with you the rest of your life, don't let it ruin your marriage.

We don't stop being parents when they move out.
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mamasheart2012
by Donna on Jul. 28, 2012 at 9:52 AM
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He knew u had him when he married u. He is YOUR son. Let him come back and tell your dh thats just the way it is. But also your son may be more ready than you think. I moved out at almost 19 and my mom didnt think I was ready. But I proved her wrong and now at 29 am raising a family of my own. Good luck mama.
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Kodysmommy928
by Jennifer on Jul. 28, 2012 at 10:20 AM
1 mom liked this

That is a really tough situation.  I suggest maybe seeking some family counselling.

Sunshine257
by Member on Jul. 28, 2012 at 10:29 AM
2 moms liked this

Put your foot down tell your son to come home. Tell him to straighten up his act and that he needs to respect your husband. Tell your husband your not ready for him to be on his own and that he is being emotionaly scared by being kicked out out of anger. I was kicked out at 13 and I know your son is 18 but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. He will feel betrayed if you don't stick up for him. As for your husband when he married you your son came with you tell him that. Tell him you will work on steps to get your son on his own and out of the house but you are not going to kick him out. He doesn't even have a drivers licsense. Your going to have to just put your foot down. Say there has been enough time for him to calm down but this house belongs to you just as much to him and you love them both but this is not how you feel confortable going about it and you are inviting him back. Chances are your son might not want to come back. Who knows. That is what I would do I would tell my dh I love you but he is my son and he will leave when I feel he is ready and he is not ready now end of story.

Clubpenguin
by Member on Jul. 28, 2012 at 11:33 AM
1 mom liked this
This is good advice



Quoting the4mutts:

He's YOUR child, right? So have him move back if you don't feel you're ready for him to move. What's DH going to do? Divorce you?

But since you want him home so bad, you have to make sure he keeps his attitude in check. If he disrespects DH, then you will be to blame for allowing him back.

Its a tough choice, but ultimately you have to decide if you want to try to control your son's attitude, and let him back, or let him go his own way for a while.

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i.m.r.
by Member on Jul. 28, 2012 at 11:46 AM
2 moms liked this

Okay, so as a child who was in your child's situation in the past, I'll give you my insight. My mother has been married to my step father for 10 years, with him for 12. He is a great guy, but has never had children of his own and doesn't always understand my side of things. In highschool the stress and tension between all of us was at a breaking point. I was disrespectful, but suffering from severe depression. My mom was going through early memopause and also experiences severe depression (bipolar). My step dad was always pressuring her to "handle" me and saying he couldn't afford to support me and my mom. It was always about money. She almost kicked me out multiple times because she was afraid he was going to leave her. Until one day she actually did. I have tried to move past it, but forever and always it lingers in the back of my mind that she chose my step father over her child. I know she was afraid to be alone, and I was acting out and being horrible, but I felt as though I wasn't worth her time to step up and "finish raising me" as you put it.

I know your husband is sick, you have been together for a long time so this is a very tough situation, but I don't know. As a mother now, I don't know if I could ever kick my child out, or let my SO kick my child out. I don't really have any advice as a mother, since my child is so young and I haven't had the experience or the wisdom most ladies here have had yet, but as someone who has been in your child's shoes (I was 17 though and still in grade 11), I just thought I'd give you a little insight into what it may at least feel like for him. But as his mother I know you will make the best decision for him and everyone else involved. Who knows, maybe it will be a good thing for him to be with his grandparents? I know that moving out and living with a friend's parents pretty much saved me. There's always a silver lining. And my mom and I have a pretty decent relationship now. The only problem is she does side with my step father most of the time when he pressures her about money, but we're working out those problems slowly.

Good luck! I hope you can find a solution that will ease your mind and your household.

othermom
by Member on Jul. 28, 2012 at 1:38 PM
1 mom liked this

Good luck

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