/ she look like. Theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about my baby an when we have family get togethers an take pics i cant help but to think about theres always goin to be that one person, that one baby, My Baby thats missing from the pictures. I've learn to cope wit my loss alot better i got 2 tattoos in memory of my Angel Baby an getting them has helped the grieving process. So fast forward to now. I hate my life I'm always angry an getting mad at people an just cant stand to be around people i dont hardly talk to any of my friends or go out cause when i do i force myself to be in a good mood. I hate who i've become i want to be happy again i just dont know how? I try to be happy an in a good mood but i just cant. This all started in Jan 2012 right after i lost my job. While i was workin i was ok not great but ok. I was better a lil more happier an went out more often. Not out partyin just over a friends house. I just dont have any desire to do anything anymore, i dont even wanna watch my niece or nephews anymore which i used to do all the time . My niece is 5 years old an i've been a big part of her life since shes been born as well has my nephews. My nephews are a lil over a year old an are 3 weeks apart. Me an Both of my nephews moms an a close friend was pregnant at the same time we would always talk about how close our kids would be an wat not. Its so hard to watch my nephews grow up cause my baby should be growin up wit them. I never want to watch my niece or nephews anymore well i get my niece once a week an i just never get my nephews anymore i just dont feel up to watching them. I used to watch them all once a week but once i lost my job i started to get really depressed again an started pushin people away an now im just angry all the time. Y am i such a bad person? Wat kinda Aunt pushes their niece an nephews away an dont want to watch them? Dont ge me wrong i love them to death an would do anything for them an i do always ask about them an get pics an wat not but i just dont want them around i dont want anyone around. I dont even think i want kids anymore, i used to love the idea of me bein a mom adm havin kids but now i hate even thinkin about it. I miss the person i used to be 2 years ago an i hate the person l've become. I do still live wit my parents which i hate cause me an my dad dont get along i hate him an me an my brother just always fight. An my moms sick an got bad kneer an back so i take care of her when she goes down. I just want to stop feeling like this i just dont know how to change it or feel any different. I have no one to talk to cause no one understands how i feel or y i feel the way i do, they just say im bi polar so i keep everything to myself. Were not a loving family or show that me care so when i do try to talk about i feel no one cares or doesnt want to listen. Idk wat to do an im gettin a bit scared cause idk how much more i can take. Im tired of fakin that im happy when im really not. Sorry this ir so long an probably all over the place im just lost an confused anymore an im just tired of wakin up to the same stuff everyday.