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Just about died laughing!!! Long but funny hope u dont get offended but most of its true

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:21 AM
  • 39 Replies
6 moms liked this


10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts

Anna Luther is the mom behind the blog, My Life and Kids, where she strives to make you feel better about your messy, crazy, fabulous life. She single-handedly cured muffin top, and has a massive collection of messy house pictures on her blog – so that moms can STOP cleaning and just look at pictures of houses dirtier than theirs instead. Find her on Facebook, on Pinterest and Twitter @LifeandKidsBlog.


Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…



10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts


1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.


2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.


3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.


4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.


5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.


6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.


7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.


8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.


9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts - trust me.


10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by New Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:23 AM
5 moms liked this
Im dying at vasshole.
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by Bronze Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:44 AM

Lol I don't feel so bad.

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:51 AM
Vasshole? This woman's a genius
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by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:08 AM
by Bronze Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:45 AM

This cracked me up!

by New Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 3:03 AM
1 mom liked this

lol..........omg I can't stop! vasshole! lol. OMG! This is just hallarious.

I don't know if I'm laughing so hard because it's SO relateable, or if it's just the name. lol. Shit. lol.

YES, I will be using this excuse for the gassiness that I am lately to my husband! lol. Jesus. lol. Please help stop laughing.

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:52 PM

lol! funny we all need a good laugh now and then. I know i sure do!

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:58 PM

*gasp for air*......LOLLLLL

Luckily my boobs are so small that they cant sag. And I dont have an elephant thank goodness!
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by Jennifer on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:54 PM


by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:56 PM

Can totally relate! and I only went through one very difficult child birth. This is so funny

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