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What are you thoughts on....kinda long

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I have a friend who (is living with us and her 2 kids).  She is on disability and food stamps (no CS yet) her kids are teens.  My friends parents who are disabled (dad stroke, mom almost blind) moved out to Colorado (from FL) to live NEAR their "more well off and favorite daughter".  Well things did not work out the way they had planned as their daughter did not have time to help take care of them and they can't stand the cold.  So the well off daughter has paid for an airplane ticket for my friend to fly out there and pick up the parents and drive back here for them to live together again.  The parents between both of them make over 3000 a month. 

So my friend who cannot work because of RA and bone on bone spine was told that even though she would be responsible for all the chores, taking them to the dr, going to the store, and anything else that might come up she has to pay 1/2 of everything. 

She makes just over 800 a month on disability.  That is why she is living with us, she cannot afford to live on her own with her kids. 

Now while I am a firm believer in if your healthy, abled bodied, you work a minimum wage job yada yada yada if your gonna live with your parents I think you should help out with chores and stuff and help with the bills etc. 

She wants to try to get a car of her own, because she isn't sure if her parents will let her use the car outside of their needs. 

She is greatful beyond words that her parents are moving back, and she will finally have her own place so to speak. 

Her half of the bills would come to around 600 a month.  (including cable that she DOES NOT want, but dad has to have).  that leaves her a little over 200 a month to buy the things she and her kids need plus meds and dr visits and her cell phone. 

Not to mention when they move back in she has to buy beds for her and the kids, dressers and linens. 

Not a rant or bitching just saying what is going on and wanting thoughts on the situation.

Update: 

I don't know whether to believe her or not about all the things her mother is saying she is going to have to do.  I just can't see a parent being so demanding, blind, uncaring I could go on (oh I know there are some out there).  Either her mother is really just a hateful spiteful bitch or she really is clueless about what kind of money she gets every month. 

She told me some more today after she talked to her mother, now she is twisting it around that they are moving back to help HER because she is a lazy ass and got herself into this mess and can't dig her own self out.  Sorry not much you can do with less than 900 a month.  She is already making herself sick over it, I almost told her not to do it and stay with us.  I am already at my wits end.  We are on week 2 of the flu running thru the house.  DH has it now.  I am tired, no scratch that, I am exhausted!!!  I cant take it anymore but I hate the thought of her mother treating her like that and her already being ready to kill her, or her having to go to Lakeview (mental health) because she can't take the stress.  I don't know how much to believe, if she is saying it to get attention, for me to feel pity for her or what.  arrgghhhh

by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Replies (11-20):
Jebekarue
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 7:58 PM

I am not really sure about hud, other than what another friend told me they have 1 program where its a 2 year waiting list.   Her fs benefits have already been cut because of the SSD increase. They cut her what her increase was and possibly a little more since she just renewed her fs.  

My family is not included on her fs application.  In fact we would probably get a whole lot more if we were, with 7 people in the house and only 2 incomes. 

But anyway, I was just wondering if you think its fair for her to pay half with what is expected of her once they move in together.  Her check being a little over 800 and her parents bringing in thru SSI and retirement checks over 3K between the 2 of them. 

snowbear74
by New Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:03 PM

her parents can get a supplemental insurance to go with the medicaid which will lower their copays on their meds. my sister who received medicare(read previous reply) had a supplemental insurance and she paid no more than $10 for any of her meds. meds with copay should not be more than like $50. my granparents never had to pay more than that for meds, the only way they would need meds that cost $700 is if medicare wouldnt cover it.I dont know of anyone who get medicare(elderly included) who pay more than $25-$50 per med.

Quoting Jebekarue:

Her rx are covered, but she pays a small copay for them.  Her children get a VERY small check thats why she gets a little over 800 a month.  The kids are on medicaid also. 

I was referring to the medical expenses of her parents that I wasn't sure how much they have to pay out as to why they would still expect her to pay half of everything. I do know alot of rx are very expensive depending on what it is and even with medicare, some of the copays can still be several hundred dollars. 


snowbear74
by New Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:13 PM

In some ways its fair but it wont be in her case because she will most likely have her income cut by living with them as well as her fs even more  so she will be getting less money so no I dont see how it would be fair.sounds like they are being greedy to me I can see her helping out with a third of what all bills are since there are three of them getting income but not half. but again their SSI will most likely be cut as well.she can put in an application for government housing that go by your income and they may have an opening especially if she tells them she has kids and are staying with someone temp. a lot of times they will get them in faster.doesnt hurt to try.not everything has a long waiting list. she just needs to put in applications for places all over.also 2 families living together(as you may have noticed) does not work well or for long.

she would be better off finding her own place where she doesnt have to cater to her parents and then she could possibly save a little here and there to get a car. there are some charities that will even donate cars to those in need. she needs to see if there are any in your area also.

Quoting Jebekarue:

I am not really sure about hud, other than what another friend told me they have 1 program where its a 2 year waiting list.   Her fs benefits have already been cut because of the SSD increase. They cut her what her increase was and possibly a little more since she just renewed her fs.  

My family is not included on her fs application.  In fact we would probably get a whole lot more if we were, with 7 people in the house and only 2 incomes. 

But anyway, I was just wondering if you think its fair for her to pay half with what is expected of her once they move in together.  Her check being a little over 800 and her parents bringing in thru SSI and retirement checks over 3K between the 2 of them. 


Jebekarue
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:15 PM

She pays for groceries of course with fs, and she will help with the power/water if we need it. 

They will be renting the place they use to live in.  Not sure what the landlord will want for rent, she once said she offered her the place for 300, just to get someone back into it but its still too much for her (windows are not energy efficient) plus they keep the house freaking cold ALL the time so the power bill runs realllly high.  She thinks us keeping our house at 74 (only because I freeze at 73) is too hot and she dies of heat stroke.  She told me they use to keep the thermostat at 65. What irks me is that they will say they are hot/sweating but will be laying under a blanket!!!

The landlord is suppose to be fixing the house up so they may not get that 300 rent, she will probably bump it up to 600 what they paid before when they lived there together.

Not sure on the child support thing, she just removed him from her fs app, and thats why he didn't pay before.  Its a long complicated story a really F'd up story if you ask me, but I am sure since she just took him off they will send them to court to set up cs, not that he would probably pay it anyway.  So then her fs will get cut again, because of what he will told to pay and then not pay, so its still going to hurt her in the long run. 



Quoting lazyd:

Im sorry for your friend.  How much does she pay you for rent, utilities, etc?  If nothing...than you are the best friend in the world!  If you guys have the space, i would continue to let her live with you.  I would NOT pay half of the rent, utilities, etc....especially since she is going to be her parents caregiver.  She should charge them cuz being a caregiver is a job!  (even if it is family)  And than that should be deducted from the $600.  I could understand that the parents are going to have to get a house and have a mortgage, but with today's housing prices and interest rates, they would have a pretty cheap mortgage.  And I understand that maybe these parents want to save up so they have money to live when they are even older....but i wouldnt go live with my parents, especially since they are disabled and I was disabled and take care of them if they were going to charge me rent!  Maybe your friend needs to pay certain bills directly, like the energy/gas bill and for food, but she shouldnt be responsible for the mortgage, etc, especially not the cable if she's not the one who wants it, although i know her teenagers will!  I wouldnt just hand my parents cash, cuz even if they are "entitled" to it, god knows what they are truly doing with it and they could end up NOT payin bills and than become homeless or somethin.  Will your friend be gettin CS any time soon??       



sav820
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:17 PM
1 mom liked this

No its not a fair deal. First If the elderly parents are a stroke victim and blind it would cost them a fortune to have help, at the least 12-16  hr  up to 45.00 per hour.  Her caring for them should be her wage. as room and board realistically. Have your friend call around and find out what a full time care taker is paid and that should be considered into the RENT and BILLS.  Honestly  your disabled RA  friend should pay them NOTHING they should be paying her.  OF course she should pay her own food...That's the FAIR DEAL..and she will see that when she hunts around and finds out what the costs are,  who's Bright DUMB idea was this her "rich" sisters??

 Who's Idea is it to charge your  friend that type of money. I understand the elderly  can get a 2 bedroom so they would NEED more room and maybe she should pay the difference in rent from a 2  to 4 bedroom, BUT should't she be paid for her time and the care she gives..HELL YES.....That would be fair since she will be the care taker , cook, & maid. Driver, etc etc. Then she can get someone to clean once every 2 weeks and someone to watch Nana & Papa so she can get a break herself..

 #1 )  So if a 2 bedroom was 600 an a 4 bedroom  is 800  she should pay 200+ a small portion of  utilities. The teens will want TV so its fair to pay maybe 1/3  it depends on how each family uses electric etc.  wastes it or not..I know when our grandson stayed with us  our electric was 100.00 a month higher..so she MIGHT want to add a little towards electric since their income is so HIGH...

 #2 ) Really they should hand her at least 2500.00 Lowest amount just for their care as long as that includes their food, and care....room and board. and they will have 500 a month for their personal items ...which should be plenty. BUT if their income is say 3500 they should pay 3,000 leaving parents 500  private/personal cash a month. Even IF they lived in a private home those people only get to keep about 200 each a month the rest goes for their room board & care. and everythings provided.

You know it would be different if your friend was RICH I could understand her being in a position to care for them..BUT she is NOT and IF she didn't they would really be in MAJOR Trouble..I am going by a Income of 3000,00  now if their income is higher it should be more for the friend to pend on food  etc...so even at 2500.00 a month at the low end the parents pay towards rent & room & board care etc  they are getting a  DEAL !!!  And  Your friend with RA should KEEP her entire income for her children and herself..  HER RICH sister has some nerve...

Also St Paul Di Vincents  churches in FL will supply her with beds if needed  FREE  and anything else she needs

She should get her name on a bank account with the parents so she can pay the bills Should be dad first then mom, then her so its NOT considered her money..due to SS....from their account...And explain to them (parents) although she loves them, she is in NO position to Financially pay that amount & AFTER she gets the quotes on how much care costs, which I spoke about above/below  they should be grateful she is doing it with their MONEY....Amen.. The companies will send you estimates on how much care costs   in writing so the elders  dont think shes scamming them..believe me I know  I just recently helped a friend put her mom 89 yrs old in assisted living in Pasco co Florida..AUG 2012 she pays almost 4,000 for ONE bedroom ONE lady  that encludes her meals  , maid once a week and thats it...she pays her own phone....

IF they went into a nursing home or assisted living that would cost about 3500 low end-6.000++ high end a month EACH for mom OR dad, or maybe a little Less per person if they shared as a couple  so they should be grateful for the disabled daughter to care for them and do it all for them so cheap..THATS FAIR...BUT I think # 2 is the fairest way..The way your friends family is thinking is beyond WRONG !!

Love2BaMom77
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:21 PM

Sounds like a crap ass situation.  Can your friend get an at home job or a tutoring job or something that pays in cash.  Something where she doesn't have to do any heavy lifting.  I know RA can be hell especially if it's severe.  Sounds like her parents are taking her for a ride.  Possible there is back story we aren't getting as well.  I think she needs to talk to her parents and work things out better with them.  If she needs to pay part of the rent and water and electric it's one thing but her parents cable bill is a want not a need.  That should totally be on the parents if they want it.  Maybe she should swap cable bill payment for car upkeep so that she can use it for her needs as well.  The other question is what happens if things don't work out for her and her parents and they decide to leave her high and dry and go in to an assisted living facility.  They can take a shuttle service from point A to point B and where does that leave her.  Would they be willing if that happened to give her their car?  Just sounds like an all around crappy miserable situation.  I hope she can work something out with her parents that they can both agree on.  Best of luck to your friend. 

Jebekarue
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:22 PM

She is not a member of a church and probably wont, they had some bad experiences, her daughters fault, because she is bi and she got upset cause they told her she was going to go to hell. So they try to avoid churches at all costs even if it means getting some help from them.  Her daughter hasn't learned when and where is appropriate to talk about your sexuality and she gets slammed for it every time, she even quit band because the other teams band picked on her for it.  The funny thing is she is in ROTC now, heh  yes Don't ask don't tell is in effect but.....she still hasn't learned when to keep her mouth shut, and can't understand why people can't accept her for what she is and she gets her feelings hurt and quits whatever it is she is doing because of it.

I don't know, I hear all kinds of programs out there to help people but the only ones it seems to be helping are the ones who are milking the system.  Maybe she has tried before and was turned down for whatever reason or figured she would get turned down anyway so why try, I am not sure.

Just from what I have learned by her living here she wants help but doesn't/won't go out to try to get it.  She wants everyone to do for her. 

snowbear74
by New Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:32 PM

she can try again for these services. if she was living with her hubby back then when she applied that may be why she was denied.If that is the case.and if she expects everyone to do for her and her kids are lazy no offense but I would be finding ways for her to get her own apt or something I could not deal with that at all friend or not.You dont have to be a member of a church for them to help you out. If you do then they are not really helping others in need


Love2BaMom77
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:32 PM

Have to agree with this completely.  Cost of living for an assisted living environment is NOT cheap not cheap at all.  If the parents are having a rough enough time getting around on their own they won't have the kind of care/help they want from strangers in a care facility.  I really hope these parents get their head out of their behinds and count their blessings that their daughter will be living with them so they can have some measure of independence and enjoy what ever time they have left with their grandkids.  Speaking as an adult who only has one grandparent left and a father who is ill I can tell you it's not easy to care for ailing parents but at the same time you don't want to leave their care to some one else unless it's absolutely necessary. 

Quoting sav820:

No its not a fair deal. First If the elderly parents are a stroke victim and blind it would cost them a fortune to have help, at the least 12-16  hr  up to 45.00 per hour.  Her caring for them should be her wage. as room and board realistically. Have your friend call around and find out what a full time care taker is paid and that should be considered into the RENT and BILLS.  Honestly  your disabled RA  friend should pay them NOTHING they should be paying her.  OF course she should pay her own food...That's the FAIR DEAL..and she will see that when she hunts around and finds out what the costs are,  who's Bright DUMB idea was this her "rich" sisters??

 Who's Idea is it to charge your  friend that type of money. I understand the elderly  can get a 2 bedroom so they would NEED more room and maybe she should pay the difference in rent from a 2  to 4 bedroom, BUT should't she be paid for her time and the care she gives..HELL YES.....That would be fair since she will be the care taker , cook, & maid. Driver, etc etc. Then she can get someone to clean once every 2 weeks and someone to watch Nana & Papa so she can get a break herself..

 #1 )  So if a 2 bedroom was 600 an a 4 bedroom  is 800  she should pay 200+ a small portion of  utilities. The teens will want TV so its fair to pay maybe 1/3  it depends on how each family uses electric etc.  wastes it or not..I know when our grandson stayed with us  our electric was 100.00 a month higher..so she MIGHT want to add a little towards electric since their income is so HIGH...

 #2 ) Really they should hand her at least 2500.00 Lowest amount just for their care as long as that includes their food, and care....room and board. and they will have 500 a month for their personal items ...which should be plenty. BUT if their income is say 3500 they should pay 3,000 leaving parents 500  private/personal cash a month. Even IF they lived in a private home those people only get to keep about 200 each a month the rest goes for their room board & care. and everythings provided.

You know it would be different if your friend was RICH I could understand her being in a position to care for them..BUT she is NOT and IF she didn't they would really be in MAJOR Trouble..I am going by a Income of 3000,00  now if their income is higher it should be more for the friend to pend on food  etc...so even at 2500.00 a month at the low end the parents pay towards rent & room & board care etc  they are getting a  DEAL !!!  And  Your friend with RA should KEEP her entire income for her children and herself..  HER RICH sister has some nerve...

Also St Paul Di Vincents  churches in FL will supply her with beds if needed  FREE  and anything else she needs

She should get her name on a bank account with the parents so she can pay the bills Should be dad first then mom, then her so its NOT considered her money..due to SS....from their account...And explain to them (parents) although she loves them, she is in NO position to Financially pay that amount & AFTER she gets the quotes on how much care costs, which I spoke about above/below  they should be grateful she is doing it with their MONEY....Amen.. The companies will send you estimates on how much care costs   in writing so the elders  dont think shes scamming them..believe me I know  I just recently helped a friend put her mom 89 yrs old in assisted living in Pasco co Florida..AUG 2012 she pays almost 4,000 for ONE bedroom ONE lady  that encludes her meals  , maid once a week and thats it...she pays her own phone....

IF they went into a nursing home or assisted living that would cost about 3500 low end-6.000++ high end a month EACH for mom OR dad, or maybe a little Less per person if they shared as a couple  so they should be grateful for the disabled daughter to care for them and do it all for them so cheap..THATS FAIR...BUT I think # 2 is the fairest way..The way your friends family is thinking is beyond WRONG !!

 

EireLass
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:44 PM

I am disabled. All my health care and meds are free. I don't have any underage kids, but if I did, I would be recieving an additional amount for them. If $800 is her income, she most likely qualifies for SSI as well. If she's recieving food stamps, she probably qualifies for more programs also. SSI is not based on what you've paid in, but rather what your current income is.

Quoting cherylam:
Quoting EireLass:

Either she has not read and understood the SSDI system, or she's not telling you the truth. She get's what she gets. Her children will also be getting money each month. They should all be recieving health insurance, free. All her meds should be free. She should also be recieving SSI in addition to her SSDI. She also qualifies for in-home care because of her health.

Um, I have RA. I can barely walk and have had both knees replaced twice and am now looking at hip replacement.  I do get SSD & Medicare, if that's what you're talking about, but there is no 'in home health care ' that Medicare provides.  I've asked.  I pay for my medications through private insurance and thus dodge the dreaded 'doughnut hole'.  The amount you can draw is directly related to how much you've paid in.  My son-in-law, who is severely disabled with Parkinsons, has my grandkids SSI included with his, and it's not much, because he bacame disabled at a young age.  It also is directly related to how much he paid in. He tried to draw more for my grand daughter, and they just divided his sons SSI in half to cover both kids.  The kids are on Medicaid, or here in Michigan, more commonly known as MIchild.


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