I am an educated 42 year old woman from a privileged background, but I feel I have achieved so little. I have stayed home with my kids while my peers have juggled work and family, and now I feel I have fallen so far behind that I am completely discouraged. People always tell me how lucky I am to have been able to stay home when the kids were young, but the grass is always greener...
Now I have a teenage girl and a tween boy, and they aren't very nice to me. We fight all the time, and I actually hate being a mom. I am afraid to tell people, but if I had it to do over - I don't think I would have kids. I really don't know what I want at his point, but I am SO BORED!! To combat it I drink a lot, and my husband and I have group sex with other couples, but there are always dramas and debacles, and I just end up feeling empty inside.
I used to have dreams and be excited about things, but now I don't even know what I am interested in. I just want to have fun. I am so scared of getting old and loosing my looks. I honestly feel more afraid of getting old than I do of dying. I wish I could care more about the future of my children, but I am so mad at them for the way they treat me, I wish they could just go to boarding school and get out of my hair. It is so sad and hard to admit this.
Furthermore, I don't have any female friends to speak of. I used to have a few, but now no one seems to have time for me. I guess they think I am a drunk, or insane for having a semi open marriage, or maybe just not that interesting (since I don't actually do much more than housework and putting up with kids that treat me like crap). When I see my "friends" in the street they always say how we just must get coffee or lunch soon, but they never find the time.
Now I don't even know where to start, or what to do to feel better. Maybe getting over the flu will help, but I am wondering - is there anyone out there that feels like me? Is there anyone that experiences mothering as this thankless and isolating?
Thanks for reading.