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Any advice?

Posted by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:38 AM
  • 15 Replies
Let me start out by saying I am fairly new to Cafe Mom. But have heard wonderful things about the site. I am desperate need of any input and advice.

A little background on myself... I am a 25 year old stay at home Mom to an amazing 18 month old little girl. My husband and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years.

Recently our marriage has been beginning to crumble. This began about six months ago when he borrowed about $1,500 from work to buy a second vehicle. Nothing fancy just something to get himself too and from work. After a few months had gone buy and still no vehicle I asked him about it and he threw around a different excuses. Another few weeks past and I had feeling the money was gone. So I asked him point blank. He told me he had spent it all. All of it went to paying bills. After a big argument he agreed not to keep things from me anymore. Fast forward a few months. He has been having back problems that have bothered him for years. His job can be physically demanding so it has made them worse. He currently doesn't have health insurance (he just started a new job and isn't off the probationary period). So he hadn't been able to get any of his medication. I come to find out that he has been buying various kinds of pills off if our neighbors as well as his co-workers. I became suspicious after he would make up the most odd reasons to have to leave the house. Get ready for it ladies... One morning while he was in the bathroom I went through his text messages. Was it wrong? Probably. So I confronted him. Didn't tell him how I found out. He tried turning it around on me. Saying he was scared I would "freak out". I never have freaked out. Ever. Considering when I began dating him he had just reached his one year mark if being clean. He used to be a heroin addict. I never judged him not once. I was upset because not only because of history with abusing drugs but because of the fact that it's illegal. After a long argument and him storming out. We had a conversation and he swore yet again that he wouldn't lie/hide things. And we found a way to get the funds together so he was able to see a Doctor and get medication. Things were going smoothly for a few weeks until again he began acting strange. So tonight yet again I read his text messages. As I expected I found more deceitful texts. From co-workers and our neighbors one saying they have pills he can buy and then sell. Others saying I'm home come by when you can.

My heart feels like it broken into a million tiny pieces. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel the trust in our marriage is gone. And I don't know if we can ever get it back. I treat him like a king. I wake up with him at 4am every morning and make his coffee and breakfast. Make sure to send him off with lunch. He comes home to home cooked meals. I take care of our daughter. While doing laundry and cleaning. All the while still trying to make myself attractive. I haven't confronted him yet about what I found tonight. My heart is still racing and my stomach is in knots. Whenever I an upset about something, anything really he always turns out around on me. Some how it's my fault. I am the one that ends up falling all over myself and apologizing.

This is where I am hoping to get some input and advice. How should I handel this? Please please please no bashing.
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by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sabrtooth1
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:51 AM

Once an addict, always an addict.  Get out.  Get an education if you don't have one.  Get a job.  Get out.  Get a lawyer, and get a restraining order so he cannot touch your child.  Ask family to put you up.  Get out.

Kim042269
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:32 AM
1 mom liked this

Get some help. Join Al-Anon. Sounds like he's having a relapse. Get tough, stop catering to him, and take a no B.S. approach to every thing he does. That's going to require a change in you, but you're gonna have to do it. He's getting away with a lot because you're letting him. For instance, going through his phone should be a given in your relationship, because there should be no reason not to...unless he's hiding something. Let him know in no uncertain terms that the b.s. stops or else. And then stand by your word.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 6:09 AM

I'm so sorry. He's an addict. My brother in law was too and managed to get clean, it can be done.

Texascandee
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Do you have somewhere for you and your daughter to go?  I wouldn't stay with an addict because it's only going to get worse and then he may start abusing either or both of you.  Don't apologize when he tries to turn things around.  You know you didn't do anything wrong so don't let him make you feel it's your fault.  Good luck sweety

gdsTX
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:33 AM

My cousin was married to an addict. They had two great boys together and she tried to hard to help him get out of it. It ended in divorce and she has since found a great man to spend the rest of her life with. Her ex is still an addict.


However, it is possible to get clean and stay that way, but when you're in pain it gets really difficult to keep off it. First, line up a few places you can stay in an emergency and don't be afraid to walk out if he gets too hot to handle. Sit him down in a neutral location (not home) and keep him calm. Talk about it rationally, if you can. Do NOT apologize for caring about his well-being. He turns it back at you because he feels threatened and guilty. Make it clear that he needs to get off the pills unless they are prescribed by HIS doctor. No exceptions. No drugs. If he starts struggling, suggest help. He'll balk, but make it clear that this is for all of you. You, him, and your daughter. It is not weakness to ask for help. If anything, it's a sign of knowing your own limits and trying to overcome them.

erikadi
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:19 PM

Unfortunately he has become an addict again and is displaying addict behavior. Hopefully he can get himself clean like the last time. 

Kodysmommy928
by Jennifer on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:41 PM

I am so sorry. 

emilyelephant
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:49 PM

I would never allow illegal activity in/around my house.  He's putting even YOUR custody of your daughter in jeoprody.  If police catch on to any activity or someone rats him out and you are in the house when they find drugs, your daughter will be gone and it'll be a long road to get her back.  It happened to my mom when I was 10, she had just moved back in with my dad (who was making/selling/doing drugs) and I. Our house was raided. We had supervised visits for 6 months while I was in foster care.  She had to testify against my dad to just to get her charges dropped, and even then she is on the child abuse registry, all because she let drugs stay in her home.

bigmama423
by Liz on Jan. 30, 2013 at 7:09 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm very sorry to hear. I'm hoping you can find a way for him to get some rehab. Or you need to stay on his a$$ until he's clean and in the clear again.
I wish you the best of luck, addiction is a hard thing to battle.
I saw someone state, once an addict always an addict. That is complete bullsh*t!! Good luck!!
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bigmama423
by Liz on Jan. 30, 2013 at 7:12 PM
I think this is great advice. .

Quoting gdsTX:

My cousin was married to an addict. They had two great boys together and she tried to hard to help him get out of it. It ended in divorce and she has since found a great man to spend the rest of her life with. Her ex is still an addict.


However, it is possible to get clean and stay that way, but when you're in pain it gets really difficult to keep off it. First, line up a few places you can stay in an emergency and don't be afraid to walk out if he gets too hot to handle. Sit him down in a neutral location (not home) and keep him calm. Talk about it rationally, if you can. Do NOT apologize for caring about his well-being. He turns it back at you because he feels threatened and guilty. Make it clear that he needs to get off the pills unless they are prescribed by HIS doctor. No exceptions. No drugs. If he starts struggling, suggest help. He'll balk, but make it clear that this is for all of you. You, him, and your daughter. It is not weakness to ask for help. If anything, it's a sign of knowing your own limits and trying to overcome them.

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