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Let me start out by saying I am fairly new to Cafe Mom. But have heard wonderful things about the site. I am desperate need of any input and advice.

A little background on myself... I am a 25 year old stay at home Mom to an amazing 18 month old little girl. My husband and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years.

Recently our marriage has been beginning to crumble. This began about six months ago when he borrowed about $1,500 from work to buy a second vehicle. Nothing fancy just something to get himself too and from work. After a few months had gone buy and still no vehicle I asked him about it and he threw around a different excuses. Another few weeks past and I had feeling the money was gone. So I asked him point blank. He told me he had spent it all. All of it went to paying bills. After a big argument he agreed not to keep things from me anymore. Fast forward a few months. He has been having back problems that have bothered him for years. His job can be physically demanding so it has made them worse. He currently doesn't have health insurance (he just started a new job and isn't off the probationary period). So he hadn't been able to get any of his medication. I come to find out that he has been buying various kinds of pills off if our neighbors as well as his co-workers. I became suspicious after he would make up the most odd reasons to have to leave the house. Get ready for it ladies... One morning while he was in the bathroom I went through his text messages. Was it wrong? Probably. So I confronted him. Didn't tell him how I found out. He tried turning it around on me. Saying he was scared I would "freak out". I never have freaked out. Ever. Considering when I began dating him he had just reached his one year mark if being clean. He used to be a heroin addict. I never judged him not once. I was upset because not only because of history with abusing drugs but because of the fact that it's illegal. After a long argument and him storming out. We had a conversation and he swore yet again that he wouldn't lie/hide things. And we found a way to get the funds together so he was able to see a Doctor and get medication. Things were going smoothly for a few weeks until again he began acting strange. So tonight yet again I read his text messages. As I expected I found more deceitful texts. From co-workers and our neighbors one saying they have pills he can buy and then sell. Others saying I'm home come by when you can.

My heart feels like it broken into a million tiny pieces. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel the trust in our marriage is gone. And I don't know if we can ever get it back. I treat him like a king. I wake up with him at 4am every morning and make his coffee and breakfast. Make sure to send him off with lunch. He comes home to home cooked meals. I take care of our daughter. While doing laundry and cleaning. All the while still trying to make myself attractive. I haven't confronted him yet about what I found tonight. My heart is still racing and my stomach is in knots. Whenever I an upset about something, anything really he always turns out around on me. Some how it's my fault. I am the one that ends up falling all over myself and apologizing.

This is where I am hoping to get some input and advice. How should I handel this? Please please please no bashing.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:38 AM
Replies (11-15):
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 8:00 PM

First, it is not your fault. It is not your fault- he is trying to make it your fault- that is not living up to his obligations. So you need to get to an alchohol anonymous group and they can help you figure out what to do. Do get a lawyer immediately.

by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:51 AM
I agree with you it's not once an addict always and addict!!! I had an addiction that I beat and I know I am strong enough to never return, and it can be done!!

To OP stay strong for your daughter is the first thing I can say!!! He needs rehab and a lot of support and love but he needs people to be firm and I guess u could say up his ass all the time!!! Good luck Hun and DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

Quoting bigmama423:

I'm very sorry to hear. I'm hoping you can find a way for him to get some rehab. Or you need to stay on his a$$ until he's clean and in the clear again.

I wish you the best of luck, addiction is a hard thing to battle.

I saw someone state, once an addict always an addict. That is complete bullsh*t!! Good luck!!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:46 PM

They will take your daughter away if they find drugs in the house.  Someone could get mad at your DH and call the police.  Leave NOW.  Im not saying divorce - at least not yet.  Send your dh away or if you dont have family than you need to go to an emergency homeless shelter for woman n kids and they will help you.  Your dh will keep on relapsing until he gets professional help.  And nothing is your fault.  Tell him to "shove it up his ass" next time he wants to blame you! 

by New Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 5:16 PM

Sweetie, let me tell you from experience.... I am a recovering heroin addict... It's damn hard on him and even worse on you because of the personalization you incorporate into the whole scenario... Please first believe he is not doing any of it to hurt you intentionally. Addiction is a disease, ratified in 1955 by the AMA. I do not say this as any kind of excuse or rationalization... But until he deals with his addiction whether it be heroin or pills thiings will remain the same. I understand it sounds like he has a medical need for pain relief but if not handled properly it can spin out of control quickly. I know it hurts, the lies, the sneaking around, etc. but I believe it's more out of the desire to not hurt you by disappointing you because he knows it's become a problem. I think it's admirable that you have you have stuck by him and I feel like it's going to take some serious conversation and checking into some resources as to helping with insurance to pain management to control of all of the above. He's surely not a bad person, you love him and thats what matters. But realize nothing changes if nothing changes... Please get in touch with me if you care to chat more.... I believe you can do this.... taking suggestions is a great start!!!! best of luck love!!!

by Representative on Feb. 1, 2013 at 9:29 PM

Addiction is a dark, evil thing...

He needs to get help - or you need to get out.  :(

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