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Worried about my mother and I don't know how to help :(

Posted by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 11:41 AM
  • 12 Replies

Okay I really don't know where to start with this. I'll try not to make it long.

My mother and my grandmother have NEVER had a good relationship, ever. My grandma isn't loving, shes rude and mean. However we always lived with her because my parents could never afford to buy a house of their own. Growing up I didn't like her very much either, always kicking you when your down, etc. She's not nice.

well as shes gotten older she lost sight in one eye completely and slowly lost it in the other. My mother has become her caregiver. Well she still has a small amount of sight in one eye. So she can see.. very little but she can. Over the years of my mom being her caregiver my mother has gotten VERY depressed, she can't leave my grandma alone in fear she'll fall or drop things. My grandma of course is very rude, hard headed and stubborn. Doesn't appriciate anything my mother does for her and always gives her such a hard time about everything. My mom HATES her now, but continues to take care of her - she has no choice.

what gets me is my grandmother has trashed her entire house (my parents converted the basement into an apartment which is where I grew up) dirty disgusting carpets from her old dogs, trash, spills, bodily fluids, etc. A nasty stained up couch, dirty bathroom and bed sheets. (staind with blood and feces) UGH! she NEVER tells my mother when she has accidents and my mother does clean for her but in two days its back to that mess! its so disgusting and its really tearing my mom apart because she can't afford a nursing home for her. My grandmother just doesn't care about her health or my mothers. My mom and I are both naturally skinny, I'm 110 pounds (healthy weight for my size) well shes close to 80 pounds.. skin and bones. Shes a drinker too.. I just dont know how to help my mom deal with this. I am so glad I no longer live there... does she have any options that we just don't know about?


sorry this is so long ... any feedback would be appriciated .. if you don't understand something I will answer questions in an update.

thanks...


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by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 11:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
GELiz
by Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 11:59 AM
1 mom liked this

Nursing home

calsmom62
by Bronze Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 12:10 PM
A nursing home. If she is without funds then Medicaid or Medicare will provide it, some states require that assets including the house would be used towards the expense...but your grandmother is incontinent , she is legally blinds. So she clearly is disabled. Does she receive disability money or services....
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KatieKramer94
by Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 12:28 PM

My mother had mentioned losing the house if they go that route, she is under medicare and recieves social security benefits.

now, the REAL problem is.. over the years my grandmother has taken out leans and loans on the house to where she owes 50,000$ still.. she was in major credit card debt and I have no idea how she could rack up 50,000$ worth of leans and loans. So once she passes or gets placed in a nursing home they will have to sell the home .. and judging from the amount she owes already PLUS nursing home costs my parents wont see a dime. Its really sad.. she wont even sign over the house to be in my mothers name.. even though my mom already has power of attorney..

its so ridiculous I can't even wrap my head around it. Not to mention with the house in the condition its in I can't see them getting very much for it. Its utterly disgusting inside.

Quoting calsmom62:

A nursing home. If she is without funds then Medicaid or Medicare will provide it, some states require that assets including the house would be used towards the expense...but your grandmother is incontinent , she is legally blinds. So she clearly is disabled. Does she receive disability money or services....


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calsmom62
by Bronze Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 12:41 PM
Let your mom make an appointment with the SHINE volunteer at the local Sr ctr. They are specially trained to advise seniors and caregivers about long term care, social security, Medicare, etc. The legal aid society could possibly help too. I will tell you that if the house conditions are poor and bad enough to be considered neglect, (your mother is probably overwhelmed), your grandmother would be taken to a hospital or nursing home, and a social worker would be assigned to yhecase, and they probably wouldn't let grandma home full the place was clean and repaired. And your parents would likely have to move out. If grandma is that far in debt, depending on the value of housing where she is, does the value exceed considerably her debt??? :if not then id probably let it go.....
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KatieKramer94
by Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 12:55 PM

I am just so worried I am going to lose my mother over all of this... shes so underweight, shes a smoker, too.. and she drinks more than she eats. If our house were big enough I would tell them to just place her in a home, pay off the debt , and come live with us..

me and my mom are very close and this is breaking my heart. It makes me so angry that her own mother put her in this situation. My grandmother thinks I'm the devil because I wont take DD over there to visit...

of course I wont! its a health hazard in her part of the house!!!

Quoting calsmom62:

Let your mom make an appointment with the SHINE volunteer at the local Sr ctr. They are specially trained to advise seniors and caregivers about long term care, social security, Medicare, etc. The legal aid society could possibly help too. I will tell you that if the house conditions are poor and bad enough to be considered neglect, (your mother is probably overwhelmed), your grandmother would be taken to a hospital or nursing home, and a social worker would be assigned to yhecase, and they probably wouldn't let grandma home full the place was clean and repaired. And your parents would likely have to move out. If grandma is that far in debt, depending on the value of housing where she is, does the value exceed considerably her debt??? :if not then id probably let it go.....


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calsmom62
by Bronze Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 1:01 PM
I'm so sorry. There are supports for people in your familys situation but you have to reach out. Is there a way you can talk to your mom and get her to call elder services or the Sr ctr to talk to a shine volunteer. I would try to avoid having your mom assume grandmas debt. Let the house proceeds absorb it after grandma is in the nursing home. How old is your mom?
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KatieKramer94
by Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 1:13 PM

she will turn 59 in august.

she would be willing to talk to someone, shes looking for a way out. I'll have her call around different centers and see what she can do about it. As far as them losing the house, if theres any money leftover they could probably afford a down payment on a new house or at least rent somewhere. It would be her, my sister and my dad all living together once they move out.

Quoting calsmom62:

I'm so sorry. There are supports for people in your familys situation but you have to reach out. Is there a way you can talk to your mom and get her to call elder services or the Sr ctr to talk to a shine volunteer. I would try to avoid having your mom assume grandmas debt. Let the house proceeds absorb it after grandma is in the nursing home. How old is your mom?


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cherylam
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 1:41 PM
1 mom liked this

first thing, get with your local county Agency on Aging.  They will assign a caseworker who will come out and assess the needs.  If your grandmother is that bad, they can make arrangements for a home health aide to come every day to cook and clean.  If she refuses to co-operate they will move her to a nursing home, and put her on Medicaid.  Your mom needs to get into Community Mental Health, and they can make calls to get her into therapy.  There are many resources out there if you know where to look, even in this economy.  Good luck!!

Kmakksmom
by Stefanie on Mar. 3, 2013 at 6:57 PM
You've gotten some great advice here. I don't have anything to add but best wishes and good luck :)
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YummyMummy288
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 8:08 AM

Mindfulness- it's given me the tools to deal with some extremely emotional and difficult situations over the years.  There's tonnes of free info about it on the web

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