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ok posted in other groups but no response...maybe its because i havent been on here in forever...just need advice

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:52 PM
  • 22 Replies

So I have a 7 year old daughter and my SO has a 17 year old daughter. She lives with her mom in CA and we have mine at home full time pretty much. her dad see her about 2 times a week . We have been together for over two years and are planning to get married this fall. His daughter is planning on moving in here in with us after she graduates hs and is going to college here in Vegas. Here is the problem.... I love her like my own dont get me wrong..but she thinks she is ENTITLED to everything! We pay child support and alimony, and are planning on paying for college too. We arent rich by anymeans, but have a very comforatble life. Both me and So work full time. We just bought a new house in OCT and we love it. My youngest goes to private school,and SO just bought me a brand new car.( im not bragging witherjust trying to give u a prespective) The 17 year old has never had a job dosent want to get one and , dosent get good grades. She only calls when she needs something ( prom dress, vacation money, shoes etc) She was here visiting last week and I took her shopping for her prom dress, paid for a flight home etc. She then drove my car and had the nerve to tell me that she better be getting one just like it when she moves here for school ! I about crashed it! lol I guess what I am asking is how do I get this child to wake up and be a productive member of THIS family??? I dont want to cause problems with me and SO and it just seems like she appreciates nothing we do for her. ( on a side note her mother gets 3800 a month in alimony and child support from us and pays for nothing!) when is enough enough???? Thanks for listening ...damn i feel better already

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:52 PM
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by Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:18 PM
2 moms liked this

Hi love i hear this problem so many times by friends ,family  put  your foot down and say enough already set ground rules, chores,its  your house your money and let it be known kids are different today than when i was 17 im 36 now they all want but want everything handed  to them and act like animals sounds like shes probally like her mother its simple doll put your foot down and keep  your money  LOL WELCOME TO THE GROUP

by New Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:36 PM
Thank u!!!
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by Liz on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:52 PM
I wish I had some advice for you...but I really don't.
Does your husband agree with you on this, or does he baby her?
Try to both have some set ground rules before she moves in. Good luck!!
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by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:29 PM
4 moms liked this

I think you and your husband need to get on the same page first.  Discuss what your expectations are and make sure she is clear on them before she moves in.  Good luck!

by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:27 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree the first thing you need to do is talk with your SO. Set up a plan for her for responsibility and rules. I am assuming buy your coment that she will be turning 18 soon? I ask this because then child support should not have to be paid. Once child support is not longer paid to her mom I would set up a savings account for her and have her get a job. Tell her for every dollar she makes at her job and saves up you will match it. (use the ammount that would have been used for child support.)  Tell her that once she reaches a certian amount set by all of you then she can take it out and then get the car. This puts the responsibility to earn the car on her and how responsible she is. Hope that helps. Good luck.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 5:56 AM

Maybe I'm just feeling negative but I think you are in for trouble, you can't unspoil a child very easily. This is your fiances daughter, blood is thicker than water, he must have had a part in spoiling her too. I would get some counseling together, and also with her, and come up with rules and goals for living together. My kids are not allowed to be supported unless they do well at college and have part time jobs to buy their own food and gas. We pay tuition, rent, and books. They are all doing very well. BUT, they have been raised to work hard, clearly your so's daughter hasn't. Good luck. Also, remember that 18 is still VERY young, and her brain isn't done growing yet, and things could improve over time. Second marriages fail even more than first's because of these children issues so you do have to take it very seriously.

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 9:21 AM

wow i don't know what to say

by Bernadette on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:15 AM
I would talk to your husband and then have both of you sit down with the daughter and have a talk about how things are going to be.
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by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with the above replies.  You and your husband need to be on the same page and have ground rules set before she moves in.  Tell her the rules and that she will only be allowed to move in if she follows them.  If not, she will be sent back to her have to teach her she is not entitled to anything.  If she doesn't work for it, she doesn't get it

by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Let your husband deal with it. You keep smiling. Many people don't realize how bratty they were as teenagers until they are in their 30's. I bartend and hear it all the time, "I love my mom/stepmom. She put up with so much from me as a kid...I hated her then..." yada yada... I believe that it is not really the job of the non biological parent to "wake" any child up.  Relax, let her come into her own herself.  It is just money.  If she had said to me, "I better be getting a car just like this when I move in for school"  I would probably tell her how kind and generous and hardworking her father is, and that I was sure that her father would treat her in kind if he could afford it or thought it practical when the time comes and also note that you both like the same kind of vehicle.  She likes something you really like.  Turn your feelings of negativity into potential positives...sounds so  syrupy but it is the better option, just in my opinion of course. 

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