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Am I being selfish?

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:24 PM
  • 23 Replies

I will start with background. My daughter is 6. Her father and I split up when she was a baby because he cheated on me when I was pregnant. I found out about it after I had her. He has not made much of an effort to be a father. When she was very small I would make the trip (about 45 miles each way) for him to get to see her. He would see her for an hour or so and then say he had things to do. After about a year of that, making all the effort and him helping a tiny bit financially I got tired of it and stopped putting forth all the effort and using all of my gas money for him to see her for such a short time. He has come and gone, sometimes not seeing her for months and months at a time, but blames me and says I "wont let him be a parent." I met another man when Malayah was 2, we dated, and married almost three years ago. My ex sent me a message on facebook (I have had the same phone number for almost 4 years) and told me I need to "let go and start doing right by me and her." My husband would go ape shit if I let her go, and I'm not sure I'm 100% comfortable with her going. But at the same time I dont want her to grow up not really knowing her father very well and feel like I caused that. Im more inclined not to send her...

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:41 PM

Is he asking for visitation?  Is there a court order at all?

britmichele
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:43 PM
1 mom liked this
I would not send my 6 year old an hour away to visit with a man she hardly knows... Is that what you're asking? Tell him to come by you
TheDoctorsWife
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this

 Let her go? If he wants to start having visitation, my advice would be to go through the courts

luvmybug
by Amanda on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:04 PM
I would get a lawyer.
Malayahsmom06
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:36 PM

We had a visitation arrangement through the attorney general when she was a baby. The agreement was that he would start with two hour visits every other saturday six times, then go to four hour visits six times, you get the picture. He never stuck to the agreement. He has only actually watched her about ten times her whole life.

Malayahsmom06
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:38 PM

He has moved three hours away now. That makes me lean even more towards saying no. 


Quoting britmichele:

I would not send my 6 year old an hour away to visit with a man she hardly knows... Is that what you're asking? Tell him to come by you


 

dingysfamily
by Bronze Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:49 PM
1 mom liked this

I would try to come to some sort of agreement with him where he comes to where you are, maybe right to your home, or at the very least a public place, for awhile first.  If you can't come to an agreement, then I'd get a lawyer and go that route.  She does have the right to get to know her father and if you try and refuse her that it very well may come back to bite you in the butt later.  People can change.  Put yourself in his place and think how you would feel.  If he has never physically given you any reason to not consider giving him a chance, why not give it to him?

Malayahsmom06
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:54 PM

The only thing he has physically done that made me really question him was that he drove her around with no carseat when she was about 18 months old. I had offered to leave the carseat (he was watching her for a few hours) and he said he wouldnt need it because they would be staying put. Went to pick her up and he was out driving around to buy some dang chicken, with her, in no carseat. He had the option to stay home, because his girlfriend was there and could have gone to get it. Other than that and being so inconsistent and being a compulsive liar, nothing much else to say about him. 


Quoting dingysfamily:

I would try to come to some sort of agreement with him where he comes to where you are, maybe right to your home, or at the very least a public place, for awhile first.  If you can't come to an agreement, then I'd get a lawyer and go that route.  She does have the right to get to know her father and if you try and refuse her that it very well may come back to bite you in the butt later.  People can change.  Put yourself in his place and think how you would feel.  If he has never physically given you any reason to not consider giving him a chance, why not give it to him?


 

kellylong78
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 12:25 AM
2 moms liked this

 I would do something with supervised visitation until your dd got use to him and felt comfortable around him. I would make a visitation schedule and if he kept his word for 3- 4 months then I would let him have more time, ALot of people assume they have the right to do what they want when they want, because they create a child. Its easy to make one, Its alot harder to raise one. I did this and my ex found it to difficult to make the effort. You protect your daughter , and theres more hurt than just physical, theres emotional. I would state plainly if I give you this chance and you dont step up and do the work. Then dont contact me with your sad boo who story wanting to be a dad. I'll say it honestly , if she was a main prioritey in his life , then there is no way beside hiding out, that you could of kept her from him, because he could of used the court system if it came down to that .think about it , if he had her would you not make sure , you seen her no matter what.Thats what a parent does. 

EarlGrayHot
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 10:01 AM
2 moms liked this

This is NOT your fault!  Nor should you have had to take her to him-HE should have come to her.  Plus, he should be paying support whether he sees her (or wants to see her)  or not.  Tell him he can ante up with back support and that he can come to where she is rather than you sending her off with a man she hardly knows.  Good luck!

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