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This Is Why You Never Turn Your Back on Your Kids

Posted by on Apr. 14, 2014 at 10:46 AM
  • 9 Replies

This Is Why You Never Turn Your Back on Your Kids

by The Stir Bloggers

naked barbiesOnce you are a parent -- or, really, once you have even just conceived -- the advice starts rolling in. "Don't leave the baby on the changing table unattended." "Use ‘natural consequences' to discipline your children." "Don't tell your child that he will go blind if he touches himself."

Well, I could probably write a blog post about any of those, but I'm here to say that those don't really matter. I'll tell you what matters. I'll tell you the one thing you need to know about parenting.

NEVER, and I mean NEVER turn your back on those little bastards.

If you are already a parent, you just nodded gravely. Or maybe you suddenly realized that you've been on Facebook too long, and it's strangely quiet in the house. But if you are not a parent, I will explain myself.

Young children have a lot of energy. They store it up. They eat approximately the same number of calories each day as your average lumberjack. They sleep for 11 to 18 hours, depending on their age. And you know what they need all this energy for?

They need it to WEAR YOU DOWN. They work their fingers to the bone to exhaust you. When they are babies, they play the old "I'm teething so I must keep you up all night" routine. When they are toddlers, they play "Even though you are 5'4″ and I am 2'8″, I can outrun you in a parking lot."

Why do they want to wear you down? I will tell you why. It's so that you will space out, maybe lie down on the couch and doze off, maybe go check a couple of emails. And because you are in this perpetual state of fight or flight, you get a little off your game. Your brain, it gets forgetful. It (perhaps willfully) forgets that you have these little people you are trying to keep alive in the other room.

Then the children can DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. Oh, and they will. The other day, I did this exact thing. I answered some work emails, and I thought really hard about work, and I forgot that ... the children were there. How? I know, right? But usually, when they are home, they are a) screaming, b) crying, c) fighting, d) asking for food, or e) asking me to play Hot Wheels. So when they're not, my brain tells me they are gone and I can relax.

When I wised up, I went into the children's bathroom and discovered that Noah had taken about eight rolls of toilet paper off the shelf. Thankfully he was making it an art project instead of a destructive event. He had torn quite a lot of toilet paper off of each roll, and he was busily, happily stuffing it into the center of the rolls.

I won't tell you every single thing I have spaced out and let my kids do. What I will do is show you some pictures of the kind of stuff that happens when I am not looking.

You have been warned. But it won't stop you from flaking out and letting children destroy your life, your house, and each other. Even if you don't have any children and children only visit your home. Because they have their master strategy: store energy, exhaust the adults, and get really quiet. I have no advice. I just wish you the best of luck with that.

What's the strangest thing YOUR child has done when your back was turned?

by on Apr. 14, 2014 at 10:46 AM
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Replies (1-9):
by Chesty La Rue on Apr. 14, 2014 at 11:39 AM

I can't find it righht now but I have a picture of 18 month old dd covered in flour from the fridge. She looked like a ghost,lol.

by Amy on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:31 PM
1 mom liked this


When my daughter was about 2 and my niece was a year old they snuck into the bathroom and covered themselves in make up.  It was too funny to not laugh while I scolded them.

When my older son was about 2 he snuck into the bathroom and covered himself in "bandaids", unfortunately they were really maxi-pads!  ROFL!

by Chrissy on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:34 PM
Lol! Yes silence is scary.
by Suzzanne on Apr. 15, 2014 at 9:09 AM

I don't remember how old he was, but I took a shower and my eldest was watching TV as a distraction so I could 'hose off' quickly. (lol) 

When I came downstairs, the refrigerator door was open. He had 2 matchbox cars rolled in butter, to which he'd added orange juice. 

by Kathleen on Apr. 15, 2014 at 11:15 AM
Thankfully, my kid is still a baby, so nothing scary has happened yet. I used to get into a lot of stuff when I was little, though. Packs of gum, makeup, even a bottle of Tylenol (had to go to the ER for that one). Kids can be such sneaks!
by Member on Apr. 15, 2014 at 12:17 PM
1 mom liked this

When my youngest was 2, he opened a brand new jar of peanut butter and schmeared it over most our our dining room table and from his hair to his waist.  

It took 4 shampoos to get it out of his hair, and I swear he sneezed peanut butter for nearly a week! 

My only regret was that I didn't take any pictures before cleaning up him or the mess.

by New Member on Apr. 15, 2014 at 5:36 PM

I left my kids in their playroom behind a baby gate while I watered the less than 5 minutes, they escaped the baby gate, got into the bathroom, and got ahold of the Tylenol PM. We spent 2 days in the children's hospital for that. I still do not know how they got the Tylenol open.

by Silver Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 2:29 AM

Ds is eight and a couple months ago while I was doing dishes he was playing wround in the kitchen. I turned around and ds had all the bag clips in his hair

by on Apr. 17, 2014 at 11:55 PM

Each of my girls has cut one of her sister's hair.  I have 4 daughters, so you can imagine the tears that flowed over lost hair. (From me.)

Daddy wasn't paying attention, each time they did that, I was at work.

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