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Hello! and Help!

Posted by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 2:52 AM
  • 8 Replies

I was glad to get the announcement that this group has been formed!  I divorced last year after 18 yrs of marriage. We were a nice relatively happy family until the combination of his depression  (resulting in job loss) and my discontent lead him to extramarital sex and highly imprudent behavior.

I now live 50 miles away from our family house in a rented house with my daughter, 15.  My son, 13, lives in an apartment with his dad (near our former home) except on Saturday nights when he (son) is at my house.  (Daughter doesn't visit dad).

I dated some over the past year, then in May met a man whose companionship is dear to me.  While my kids were away at camps and grandparents' over the summer, he and I spent most time together at each other's homes (thirty miles apart), knowing that our circumstances would change when school started again. 

(Sounds like a twist on "Grease!")  big smile mini

So now I am torn by wanting to be in his supportive company and wanting to be a good parent.  He and my kids get along very well - that's good, but he's not their dad so the dynamic is a bit awkward for me.

My questions:  How do I spend time alone with this man?   As a single parent, am I able sustain a romance AND be a good parent?  And, if so, how?

 

 

 

CoolChick1959 sunglasses mini


a.k.a.  Regan


Davis, CA

by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 2:52 AM
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Replies (1-8):
RLSMOM59
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 7:44 AM

That's easy, you have to carve out time just for him. My bf travels for work so when he returns it's a juggling act spending time with him. Fortunatly I don't have to be to work until late on Friday so we spend that time together. My daughter has activities on Sat so I get to spend time with him then. Then when I work on Sunday, he brings me lunch or breakfast, depending on what time he flies.  I make sure the child's needa are met first and the bf understands that. Just don't put the bf over the children.

easinpc
by Silver Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 11:08 AM

I agree with RLSMOM59, you just have to find time to do both.  There is a fine line in which you can balance still being a commited companion and a good parent.  Are there times in which your child is gone doing activities that you could spend time with him?  Just make sure that he is aware that you are a parent first and foremost and if he is ok with that than I'd continue taking advantage of any time I could with him.  When I'm seeing someone I try and spend time with them when my son is either with his dad or other times in which he is not home.

easinpc
by Silver Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 11:08 AM

Oh and welcome to the group!!

Im1superduperrn
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 11:38 AM

It can be a hard act to juggle, but it can be done. I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man that my daughter knows nothing about...and she won't until I'm sure that this is going to be something serious or not...I arrange to spend time with my guy on the nights that she is with her dad. Some women have no problem with their lives being a revolving door and a different man walking through every few months...I can't do that...won't do that, to myself or my child...her needs and well-being come first, always have, always will, until she reaches adulthood and is on her own and able to take care of herself. Till then, Mom is there...I'm lucky...my guy understands this...and when the time comes to introduce the two of them, he knows that I have to take care of my girl first...

CoolChick1959
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 6:44 PM

Thanks for the supportive replies.  I've tried carving out Friday nights for us - send my daughter to gramma's for the night, then I head to his place or he to mine.  But my mother is critical of this arrangement.  She thinks I'm setting a bad example for my daughter (15) by giving up a night with her to be with this man (overnight) who isn't my husband (I'm 52 and he's 56).  Is she right?  Am I wrong to abandon my daughter one night a week ?  Am I wrong to give my daughter time with her grandmother? 

I have my son on Saturday nights, so Friday is my only choice.

ferrellmt
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 8:30 PM

CoolChick,

Your mom is being hypercritical...really?? One night a week whenyou have dd all the time....um your balancing act is JUST FINE. If you were still married, and you and your dh wanted to have a date every Friday would she be so judgemental??

So, it  comes down to 2 things, I think:

1) at 52, how much does mom's disapproval matter to you?

2) if it does matter, what other arrangements can you make for dd?? If mom doesn't want to/won't/will but keeps criticising you.....

GraLauJon
by on Sep. 16, 2011 at 12:19 PM

does your dd know why she is being sent to grandma's?  my mom used to do that with me but when i was in grade school.  i say to talk about it with your dd.  she is coming of age and will start dating too. you cant really keep her from the happenings in the real world.  If this is your reality i say talk about it with her. i knew what my mom was doing in grade school, yet she kept it outside of our home.

CoolChick1959
by on Sep. 18, 2011 at 1:33 PM

Thank you for the additional responses.  What a great way to get perspective!

I do talk with my daughter about relationships and why adult choices differ from teenage choices.  We have a good relationship and she's a wise and sensitive girl.

As for my mother, well, yes even at 52 & 73 her opinion matters to me.  (You'll see! )

I will try to come up with alternatives to Friday's with Gramma.

Last night the bf came over to watch a movie with me and my kids.  We had a nice evening, the four of us eating popsicles on the futon to the music of "Into The Woods" (I highly recommend it!), then he went home.  'Seemed strange to me, but also right.

Thank you all and I look forward to additional conversations with this group!

CoolChick1959 sunglasses mini


a.k.a.  Regan


Davis, CA

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