Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How Have You Overcome Things Your Ex Has Pulled in Divorce?

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:17 PM
  • 42 Replies

I am just wondering what some women have gone thru in divorce. my stbx pulls alot of annoying tricks. my atty at the time just laffed at this one:. my stbx wanted to charge me rent for living in the house.  my atty said, "i know what he means but in your case he wont get away with it."   I was thinking that if anyone met an obstacle they got resolved in their divorce that it would help others who may be caught up in the same situation.

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:17 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:05 PM
4 moms liked this

My ex demanded his last name back… apparently when you marry your mistress in another state It is still bigamy, he thought he’d prove we were divorced by demanding the return of the last name. A) I didn’t steal this name B) it’s my legal name and C) my name could be Peter Pan Cherry On Top and marrying two people is still against the law… how I resolved this, offered to change the name for $100,000 for each year we were married (13 years) to be paid up front in one lump sum of $1,300,000.00. That didn’t fly over so well so I just sent it all to the attorney and disengaged from the ex.

He’s also not paying child support, again offered to work it out with him, his fake wife doesn’t like this so he quit paying. How I resolved it, sent the support order to support enforcement and continued to disengage.  Every month file contempt charges. Figure eventually this will all come to a head and none of it is my problem, issue, nor fault. He can no longer blame me for his bad decisions in life and I am NOT responsible for picking up his mess.  

The hardest one has been his willful act of NOT seeing the children and telling them he doesn’t want them because they don’t respect him.  He introduced his fake wife to the kids before we separated, our oldest remembers two previous women he left the family for, he convinced the children to hide his relationship, engagement and new baby on the way causing heart ache and stress for the kids, he would tell me to my face in front of the kids the he was broke and couldn’t pay child support or buy them new school shoes then turn around and in front of the kids spend all this money on the new girl and baby on the way. How I have handled this, I am a huge believer in not talking smack about the other parent; however, all three of my kids understand that their parents are humans too. That it’s not their place to judge me or their father, that their father and I love them and that no one is lacking anything.  All three kids are in outside activities, have been to counseling, and are thriving despite their asshat fathers antics and actions.

I’ve worked really hard to clear my karma and not be spiteful, even though he makes it easy to be so. I refuse to get down on his level and act so immature and, well, retarded. Then again he did leave me for this solo reason: I’m TOO Responsible…  I live in my own three bedroom place with the children, 100% support myself and them. Him, he lives at his mom’s 1 bedroom apartment with his mom, his step-dad and his pregnant wife. I’m happy I’m me :)  

The best thing I have done to help myself through all of this is LOVE ME. I make sure I love me and treat me good too. Oh and I’ve changed my reactions to his antics, when he acts naughty I get a present! I go out and buy myself a little something, never over 5 bucks but it is my treat for his crappy behavior and its helped to reshape how I react.


by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:20 PM

I had a great attorney; my ex burned through 3; he changed every time he didn't get his way. My ex lied in court filings, tried 3 times to pull support, wanted to charge me for depreciation for the time DD and I lived in the house (even though it was falling apart because he refused to pay to fix things while we were married; the appraisal came in 25K below market value because it was in such a state of disrepair). He claimed that the 25 bags of leaves that I raked were a sign that I had let things go. Excuse me. I raked; I didn't leave them lying on the lawn. I also had to borrow money to replace the furnace in the middle of winter. He knew it had a cracked heat exchange and put his family in jeapardy by refusing to repair or replace it; it was a blessing the control panel went out before the whole thing blew up. We had to go to mediation (and pay a lot to do so), but he refused to compromise on anything, so it was a waste of time and money: 6 hours at $250/hour each plus attorney fees! He waived the mandatory co-parenting class, and he refused to settle. He took everything to trial after holding things up a year, lost on all counts (including the split of assets and future retirement earnings), and THEN filed for reconsideration, nearly costing me the opportunity to buy a house on which I made an offer so DD and I would have a decent and stable place to live.He lost that too.

I still have a lot of emotional baggage to work through, but here's how I overcame his nasty tricks. I am HAPPY. I have primary custody of our youngest daughter, our oldest daughter moved in with me to save money until she finished college because her dad wouldn't give her her inheritance from his father that was left FOR COLLEGE. I have a good relationship with my big kids ON THEIR TERMS (they were upset at first when I filed, but I let them come around without forcing things). I have full educational decision making for our youngest daughter. I bought a cozy house in a nice neighborhood and I don't have to beg (to no avail) to change or fix things or beg for every dime, even for gas and groceries; I never knew how much that man made; I thought we were always living on the edge; we all did. Our son bought his own lunches in high school because his dad wouldn't give him lunch money. And I asked the judge to please let my ex have the house we owned together because he's the one who let it fall into ruin (I could tell you horror stories!). He complied and the court ordered him to pay me half of its value (which, as I said, was a lot less because it was such a wreck).

Now I work from home, so I don't have to pay for transportation or use him as backup childcare. And I have a lovely man in my life who treats me with respect;  all 3 of our kids like him too. I no longer wake up dreading each day; I was scared out of my mind throughout the entire divorce process. My ex used intimidation and scare tactics thinking I'd back down. I cried. I shook with fear; I was so used to his emotional abuse and everyone on the outside believing his lies that I figured the court would too (and so did he). But I didn't back down.  He even had to pay most of the attorney fees because he was the one who dragged things out. I only communicate with him via text message and email and then only regarding our daughter and her schedule.

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:26 PM

well, i am still terrified. i can tell my stbx is worried too, but i cannot afford another atty.  he keeps talking about taking it to trial.  i am glad to hear everyone's experiences b/c it helps me figure out where i need to go from where i am standing and it gives me some idea of how to do that.  thanks ladies.

by Cara on Nov. 9, 2011 at 10:48 PM
2 moms liked this

my has been final for over 2yrs... and everytime i dont agree with something he finds another reason to take me to court.... so far its backfired every time..... so i just sit back and watch him pay lawyer fees and basicly make an ass of himself

by Member on Nov. 10, 2011 at 10:17 AM

The only obstacles I had were taking him at his word and my own ignorance. Big mistake. We both were financially hurting (post-divorce). We had some debt in both our names. I tried to be nice and give him time to financially get back on his feet by not holding him in contempt of our divorce papers when he couldn't refinance a truck out of my name. Big mistake. He filed bankrupt. I can still file contempt charges but at this point it wouldn't do much. When the bank that held the note for the truck found out he was filing BK, truck got repo'd and I got sued!! 

Looking back I should have insisted that truck be sold and not allowed him to have the chance to screw up. I should have known that his finances wouldn't allow him to refinance it. Also, bring up everything you can think of. My lawyer  for my custody modification informed me that anything relevant pre-divorce cannot be brought up post-divorce. In other words, if you didn't bring it up then, you can't bring it up later (i.e. references to previous verbal abuse or depression or worrisome medical diagnosis).

My divorce lawyer was useless. I basicly paid her to do the paperwork. She offered no advice what so ever. Another thing I didn't know and I don't know if this could be applied to your situation is the Right of First Refusal. In some states it's actually a legal provision, in others it's just a term. It just means that when one parent can't care for the kid(s) like when that parent has to work and there no school, he/she has to give the other parent first option to care for the kid(s) before that parent can call a baby-sitter, step-parent, or grandma.

Also, don't be nice! Do what you need to do. I was so miserable and just wanted out so bad I gave up a lot when I should have stood my ground just so I could be done. Don't let yourself get pushed around be it the ex or your attorney.

In any custody issues or financial support issues, start at the top even if you don't think you will need that. That way you have more room to negotiate without losing anything you really want.

Read and reread any documents put in front of you. The wording can be very tricky. Ask to take it home to read (I had my attorney send documents to me via e-mail) if you can before you sign it.

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 11:14 AM

Ok, so I love the advice on how to get through the tricks and stuff exes pull!

 I'm curious, how do you get over the hurt from it? I can't even get past what he did while we were still married, never mind what he pulls as my ex. Swear it makes me so mad my head will pop! I kicked my ex out of the house the other day over an issue while he was here dropping off my son (I was very "polite" so my son wouldn't be upset by it, and took ex outside) but my SO now said I looked about two hairs from going bobett on him! LMAO! And I may have been! I was peeved.

 How do you move past the emotional end of things?

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 11:23 AM
That takes times
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 2:10 PM

Let it go to court so the judge can determine who gets what. My story has been posted several times about how my ex hid assets and never turned over the fiancial documents and other things. He was contributing to the welfare of the children but got mad and stop sending fiancial support. He now has arrears that he will be paying for 5-years. Going to court or sitting in front of a judge is nerve-wrecking but the judgs are trained to see through all the bull. Just stay strong and don't sweat thte small stuff. Oh I was also awarded the house and have been able to get it sold before foreclosure, as is. GL

Quoting GraLauJon:

well, i am still terrified. i can tell my stbx is worried too, but i cannot afford another atty.  he keeps talking about taking it to trial.  i am glad to hear everyone's experiences b/c it helps me figure out where i need to go from where i am standing and it gives me some idea of how to do that.  thanks ladies.

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 2:18 PM

MIne's just a talker!  He likes to threaten with insane things to upset or scare me.  It used to bother me, but now I just laugh.

Let's see, last time I pissed him off, he said he was going to file the divorce in his state, even though I've never been there and our divorce is currently being handled here, where we both lived.  He also told me he is going to put the house we both own on the market, while I'm (and his daughter) are still living here.

Just silly stuff!  He has no money and no lawyer.  Poor guy has screwed himself.  I pity him, really.

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 2:29 PM
1 mom liked this
you'll need a really good therapist, and quit caring about what the ex does or doesn't do, just document everything in a matter of fact, emotionally detached manner.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)