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What is the Purpose of Cheating?

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:26 PM
  • 17 Replies

My stbx has sex addiction problems. but he has bipolar disorder. i dont attribute all of it to that. he came from a family where the men cheated on the women and they stayed with their Hs "for the children."  it was like an understood family tradtion.   For me, i know my stbx cheated to make me feel inadequate, like i wasnt a good enough wife. then when he left and found the "woman of his dreams" he came back and asked me if we should stay together.  at that point and time i agree to try and work things out. but then i realized he hadnt let her go.  so...he was cheating on her with me while he was cheating on me with her?!  Really???

I knew a friend who cheated on her H to get his attn.  she said it worked. i just dont think thats a healthy way to work things out. someone gets hurt in the end. at least one person. and when kids are involved it just splits entire families apart.  and even when it doesnt,  what does it teach the children?

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:26 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CAGsMama
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:43 PM
I'm mobile and can't type too much, but I always want to ask my husband, " Would you condone your behavior if it were our son doing it to his wife and child?" "would you be okay with our son cheating on his wife?"
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CAGsMama
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:47 PM
Well my stbx said I gave him no choice and that it was convenient. That's effing awesome! So you cheated on me, it's my fault and you're using the new girl. Winner winner chicken dinner!
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GraLauJon
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:55 PM

LOL - i see how my stbx was paranoid and jealous that i would leave him or do that to him. Ive heard it can be an insecurity thing on their part. he even admitted at one point that those feelings really put a wedge btwn us.  but honestly, my stbx told me outright that if I had done the things to him that he has done to me that he woulda dropped me like a hot potato.  Im wondering if there is a double standard.

EquestrianMom
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:05 PM

Ok, so I know a guy who is childless, has a wife who later in life (after 15 yrs of marriage) discovered she preffered women, and they are still married. They both "cheat" on eachother with monogomus partners. They are still together because they are freinds, their living arrangement is convenient, and they do love eachother, just not as "lovers". I can't ever decide if I approve of this or not, especially in his case, that means he has some other woman entangled in a dead end relationship (and it's not just sex, dates, sleepovers, camoing, cooking diner together, buying pets, it's a relationship) where he can never fully commit to her. It seems kinda wrong to me, but then again, it seems to work for all four of them!

 As for the normal cheaters, I know a number of reasons they do it. Most women I know who cheat do so because they are lonely, they need the companionship. Or to grab someone elses (usually SO's) attention, be it good or bad. Most women are already one foot out the door when they cheat. And if the affair goes well, or at least better then what they have to go home to, they are two feet, bags and kids out the door! Some young women with self-esteem issues will have strings of lovers, but sometimes don't cheat while they do this, they are just looking for someone to fill a need, to love them enough. 

 Men seem to cheat becaus they also need the attention, these men seem to find one woman and have a long term affair. They sometimes can't verbalize well (or hardly at all) what they got from mistress they didn't get from wife, but often it comes down to the way she care, loks at him, talks  to  him. Without his years of sorta hurting her, she's enamoured with him, puppy love, sappy sorta thing, that tends to fade after 6 years of "Please honey, Put the LID DOWN! I fell in the toilet AGAIN!"  You all know what I mean, at some point snoring stops being adorable, the way they pick their nose and watch tv becomes gross, you no longer start every request with "darling, handsome, love of my life?" it's not that you don't care, its that two kids, a dog, bills, dishes, making sure dinners cooked, is distracting you from applying your full attention to him 24/7. You do what you can, when you can, and it happens in the best of relationships.

 Serial cheaters I've talked with can't help it. They need that first flash of chemistry, that I don't know your buttons first time sex (and second and third). They need that reassurance that they still "have it" and can still pick up some girl. They often can't stop without counseling, there is an underlying issue they are fixing with a string of lovers they are emotionally detached from. Teen girls do this too, but we tend to stop either because we get knocked up, society pressure, or we realize this isn't fixing it. Serial cheaters are often like chain smokers, or stress eaters. They know they shouldn't, they know its wrong, they understand they are hurting people, and themselves. But when the opportunity presents itself, they have a compulsion to do it anyways.And they tend to walk out of affairs when emotions on their end start, (though they lie well til then) or when it gets boring, serious, or normal. Some men that do this keep a "base" woman, someone they know no matter what still oves them in some way, so that when a mistress gives them the boot, they still have a backup. Plus, they do all the not so fun stuff a mistress in a hotel room won't. Like laundry, and cooking, cleaning up kids snotty noses. Girlfreinds dont' do that stuff, and if they do, they aren't going to fit the "fantasy" anymore and he will lose interest. 

 These are my observations on cheating, based on the folks I've spoken with, and I talk a lot about relationships to anyone who will! As for the what is the point? That I don't know. I have never seen cheating be a positive thing, I have seen some good outcomes despite cheating. Now, was the cheating necessary? I doubt it. I don't understand the need to cheat, although I now have a  much better understanding of why. I personally wouldn't cheat, if I was at a point to where it crossed my mind as a viable thing to do, for whatever reason, it'd tell me my feelings for my spouse were gone, and then I would be too. Just like I left my last one (ps, he cheated when we were younger. stopped as we got a little older. So did the porn, strip clubs, ect. Not sure why, but wasn't related to me. I just stayed and hoped it'd get better, or knew I'd left when he'd hurt me too much doing it) 

 Not sure if that helps at all, but theres my unorganized thoughts!

Peregrine
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:16 PM
2 moms liked this

 Is there a purpose? I can't answer this honestly. To me it boils down to a selfish act that is completely centered on one thing.  Make themselves feel good.  The pain and guilt of what happens afterwards doesn't really matter to them at the time.

GraLauJon
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:03 PM


Quoting EquestrianMom:

Ok, so I know a guy who is childless, has a wife who later in life (after 15 yrs of marriage) discovered she preffered women, and they are still married. They both "cheat" on eachother with monogomus partners. They are still together because they are freinds, their living arrangement is convenient, and they do love eachother, just not as "lovers". I can't ever decide if I approve of this or not, especially in his case, that means he has some other woman entangled in a dead end relationship (and it's not just sex, dates, sleepovers, camoing, cooking diner together, buying pets, it's a relationship) where he can never fully commit to her. It seems kinda wrong to me, but then again, it seems to work for all four of them!

 As for the normal cheaters, I know a number of reasons they do it. Most women I know who cheat do so because they are lonely, they need the companionship. Or to grab someone elses (usually SO's) attention, be it good or bad. Most women are already one foot out the door when they cheat. And if the affair goes well, or at least better then what they have to go home to, they are two feet, bags and kids out the door! Some young women with self-esteem issues will have strings of lovers, but sometimes don't cheat while they do this, they are just looking for someone to fill a need, to love them enough. 

 Men seem to cheat becaus they also need the attention, these men seem to find one woman and have a long term affair. They sometimes can't verbalize well (or hardly at all) what they got from mistress they didn't get from wife, but often it comes down to the way she care, loks at him, talks  to  him. Without his years of sorta hurting her, she's enamoured with him, puppy love, sappy sorta thing, that tends to fade after 6 years of "Please honey, Put the LID DOWN! I fell in the toilet AGAIN!"  You all know what I mean, at some point snoring stops being adorable, the way they pick their nose and watch tv becomes gross, you no longer start every request with "darling, handsome, love of my life?" it's not that you don't care, its that two kids, a dog, bills, dishes, making sure dinners cooked, is distracting you from applying your full attention to him 24/7. You do what you can, when you can, and it happens in the best of relationships.

 Serial cheaters I've talked with can't help it. They need that first flash of chemistry, that I don't know your buttons first time sex (and second and third). They need that reassurance that they still "have it" and can still pick up some girl. They often can't stop without counseling, there is an underlying issue they are fixing with a string of lovers they are emotionally detached from. Teen girls do this too, but we tend to stop either because we get knocked up, society pressure, or we realize this isn't fixing it. Serial cheaters are often like chain smokers, or stress eaters. They know they shouldn't, they know its wrong, they understand they are hurting people, and themselves. But when the opportunity presents itself, they have a compulsion to do it anyways.And they tend to walk out of affairs when emotions on their end start, (though they lie well til then) or when it gets boring, serious, or normal. Some men that do this keep a "base" woman, someone they know no matter what still oves them in some way, so that when a mistress gives them the boot, they still have a backup. Plus, they do all the not so fun stuff a mistress in a hotel room won't. Like laundry, and cooking, cleaning up kids snotty noses. Girlfreinds dont' do that stuff, and if they do, they aren't going to fit the "fantasy" anymore and he will lose interest. 

 These are my observations on cheating, based on the folks I've spoken with, and I talk a lot about relationships to anyone who will! As for the what is the point? That I don't know. I have never seen cheating be a positive thing, I have seen some good outcomes despite cheating. Now, was the cheating necessary? I doubt it. I don't understand the need to cheat, although I now have a  much better understanding of why. I personally wouldn't cheat, if I was at a point to where it crossed my mind as a viable thing to do, for whatever reason, it'd tell me my feelings for my spouse were gone, and then I would be too. Just like I left my last one (ps, he cheated when we were younger. stopped as we got a little older. So did the porn, strip clubs, ect. Not sure why, but wasn't related to me. I just stayed and hoped it'd get better, or knew I'd left when he'd hurt me too much doing it) 

 Not sure if that helps at all, but theres my unorganized thoughts!

did the porn and cheating and strip clubs stop for good?!   Just askin cuz ive had to deal with the same in my stbx. i just figured its not something i need to keep hanging around for hoping to get better.  and i know i cant do that for him. and what if he doesnt want it to?  thanks for all the info. it helps

1likeme
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:18 PM
My ex cheated on me more than I can count. He boosted his ego through having random partners and trying to prove he was a sex god. In reality he was shitty in bed because 1. He could not last longer than a few minutes most times it was just a few pumps 2. He was self absorbed. He wouldn't know what a lady orgasm looked like if it smacked him in the face. In fact I often excuse his GF's anger because I know she has a shitty sex life.
CAGsMama
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:18 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting EquestrianMom:

Ok, so I know a guy who is childless, has a wife who later in life (after 15 yrs of marriage) discovered she preffered women, and they are still married. They both "cheat" on eachother with monogomus partners. They are still together because they are freinds, their living arrangement is convenient, and they do love eachother, just not as "lovers". I can't ever decide if I approve of this or not, especially in his case, that means he has some other woman entangled in a dead end relationship (and it's not just sex, dates, sleepovers, camoing, cooking diner together, buying pets, it's a relationship) where he can never fully commit to her. It seems kinda wrong to me, but then again, it seems to work for all four of them!

 As for the normal cheaters, I know a number of reasons they do it. Most women I know who cheat do so because they are lonely, they need the companionship. Or to grab someone elses (usually SO's) attention, be it good or bad. Most women are already one foot out the door when they cheat. And if the affair goes well, or at least better then what they have to go home to, they are two feet, bags and kids out the door! Some young women with self-esteem issues will have strings of lovers, but sometimes don't cheat while they do this, they are just looking for someone to fill a need, to love them enough. 

 Men seem to cheat becaus they also need the attention, these men seem to find one woman and have a long term affair. They sometimes can't verbalize well (or hardly at all) what they got from mistress they didn't get from wife, but often it comes down to the way she care, loks at him, talks  to  him. Without his years of sorta hurting her, she's enamoured with him, puppy love, sappy sorta thing, that tends to fade after 6 years of "Please honey, Put the LID DOWN! I fell in the toilet AGAIN!"  You all know what I mean, at some point snoring stops being adorable, the way they pick their nose and watch tv becomes gross, you no longer start every request with "darling, handsome, love of my life?" it's not that you don't care, its that two kids, a dog, bills, dishes, making sure dinners cooked, is distracting you from applying your full attention to him 24/7. You do what you can, when you can, and it happens in the best of relationships.

 Serial cheaters I've talked with can't help it. They need that first flash of chemistry, that I don't know your buttons first time sex (and second and third). They need that reassurance that they still "have it" and can still pick up some girl. They often can't stop without counseling, there is an underlying issue they are fixing with a string of lovers they are emotionally detached from. Teen girls do this too, but we tend to stop either because we get knocked up, society pressure, or we realize this isn't fixing it. Serial cheaters are often like chain smokers, or stress eaters. They know they shouldn't, they know its wrong, they understand they are hurting people, and themselves. But when the opportunity presents itself, they have a compulsion to do it anyways.And they tend to walk out of affairs when emotions on their end start, (though they lie well til then) or when it gets boring, serious, or normal. Some men that do this keep a "base" woman, someone they know no matter what still oves them in some way, so that when a mistress gives them the boot, they still have a backup. Plus, they do all the not so fun stuff a mistress in a hotel room won't. Like laundry, and cooking, cleaning up kids snotty noses. Girlfreinds dont' do that stuff, and if they do, they aren't going to fit the "fantasy" anymore and he will lose interest. 

 These are my observations on cheating, based on the folks I've spoken with, and I talk a lot about relationships to anyone who will! As for the what is the point? That I don't know. I have never seen cheating be a positive thing, I have seen some good outcomes despite cheating. Now, was the cheating necessary? I doubt it. I don't understand the need to cheat, although I now have a  much better understanding of why. I personally wouldn't cheat, if I was at a point to where it crossed my mind as a viable thing to do, for whatever reason, it'd tell me my feelings for my spouse were gone, and then I would be too. Just like I left my last one (ps, he cheated when we were younger. stopped as we got a little older. So did the porn, strip clubs, ect. Not sure why, but wasn't related to me. I just stayed and hoped it'd get better, or knew I'd left when he'd hurt me too much doing it) 

 Not sure if that helps at all, but theres my unorganized thoughts!

This is it to a T in my stbx case, "Men seem to cheat becaus they also need the attention, these men seem to find one woman and have a long term affair. They sometimes can't verbalize well (or hardly at all) what they got from mistress they didn't get from wife, but often it comes down to the way she care, loks at him, talks  to  him. Without his years of sorta hurting her, she's enamoured with him, puppy love, sappy sorta thing, that tends to fade after 6 years of "Please honey, Put the LID DOWN! I fell in the toilet AGAIN!"  You all know what I mean, at some point snoring stops being adorable, the way they pick their nose and watch tv becomes gross, you no longer start every request with "darling, handsome, love of my life?" it's not that you don't care, its that two kids, a dog, bills, dishes, making sure dinners cooked, is distracting you from applying your full attention to him 24/7. You do what you can, when you can, and it happens in the best of relationships."

I've thought about this so many times!!!! Even before my stbx actually cheated, it was almost like I knew it would happen. I have written letter after letter to my stbx (in my head, haha) and I always say "you are honeymooning it with her now because she does not hold you responsible for anything. You can do whatever you want and she will not step on your toes. You are a free man with her because she does not hold you accountable for anything. She is blinded by her feelings for you so much that nothing can bother her and if it does, she will not speak up. She thinks everything you do is a quirk or is cute and probably praises you for it. But, I promise you, down the road she will start to care about your ISSUES. Because eventually she will not want a partier, a man with no drive to take care of where he lives, a man who will always choose Coors Lite over her and a man is a manipulative, cheating, depressed person who is content just "living"  a menial life." This woman, like he has said, was out of convenience and the fact that she'll hump him in a heart beat, is perfect for him. He is a man of instant gratification and with her, he's getting it. He has everything he wants with her.  

He actually told me one time "you've replaced me with our son", "you walked right by me to give our son a kiss first after work", "I wish I could breastfeed our son". The jealousy toward our son became more and more apparent because I could no longer give him 100% of my attention. After our son was born, stbx naturally became #2 where our son became #1 to me. It didn't mean I loved him any less at all! BUT, to him, he was just a "sperm donor".

My stbx cheated because he was no longer #1 in our home and because me and our son needed him to be a husband and father. This girl instantly gratified the needs he was desperate for and she makes him feel good daily because she does not require anything of him. She "pulled him off the streets" (such bullshit), housed him, fed him, Lord knows what else, and he's #1 again.


 

~CAGsMama


"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."  ~Sophia Loren




 

GraLauJon
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:18 PM

CAGs, that is all really typical and you stated it perfectly. my H got jealous of our son. not really our girls, but our son. weird.  but also what you said our marriage counselor said...that you cannot compare a 13 yr marriage with 3 kids to a 3 month fling (which he had had at the time).  why not? b/c like you said, there is no responsibility when someone acts like a teenager. my H resented me and told me "i dont like things being asked of me."  No more. who wants a little boy when you need a man? That is why they got jealous of our sons , b/c they werent being spoon fed and burped anymore. they had to grow up and refused to. I told my stbx, "i have 3 kids. I dont need another one. I need a Husband." 

CAGsMama
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:32 PM
1 mom liked this

EXACTLY! I do not want to take care of an adult child as well as a real child. If I asked my husband to do something, he'd say, I'll do it later then never do it. So I'd ask again. SO, If me asking you to do something for the thousandth time on the tenth day stretch makes me a nag, it ultimately makes you a lazy son of a bitch! As good mother's and wives (I think) we don't have the option of being lazy sob's. And when my husband and I moved in together as bf and gf years ago, THAT's where I ultimately made my committment to be a dedicated woman to him in all regards. When we married, THAT's when I vowed to be the best wife ever. When I got pregnant, THAT'S when I vowed to be the best mom ever AND still the best wife to my husband. I stayed on the train that progessed in life and changed accordingly, he rode the train and jumped off when life demanded more responsibility and adult based responsibility. One day he'll wake up and realize he effed up. He's having a blast now, but when he's 50 or 60 and his ailments from drinking really catch up to him (he has some issues caused by drinking) he'll think, my ex-wife was right, she did love me and I should have listened to her and stopped being such a child AND I was an manipulative dick, I belittled her and she didn't deserve any of that including me cheating on her. (more things I tell myself to stay on the up due to all of this ;) )

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