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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Really Struggling With What To Do (PIOG)

Posted by on Dec. 31, 2011 at 3:12 PM
  • 13 Replies

My ex and I separated almost 3yrs ago.  Our divorce has been final for a year.  He lost custody to our children because I caught him downloading child porn.  He is only allowed restricted visitation to the children that take place under MY supervision, and can only have three visits a month.  He has only seen the children three times in the past 2.5yrs.  
Well, his 21yr old GF is very pregnant and due beginning of Feb.  I have very good reason to doubt that this is his child.  First is that his entire family have told me they don't believe it is his kid.  My ex wants me to allow him to bring this baby to my home to visit my kids.  He wants me to allow him to take "happy family" photos of my kids with this kid.  He wants me to let him bring his GF to my house as well.  He lives 1400 miles away from us.  
I am really struggling with allowing him to bring a baby to my home and tell my children, "This is your brother!" when I have doubts this is my kids biological sibling.  I know my children are going to be hurt by him bringing the baby around.  The best case senario is that they fall in love with it but only get to see it maybe once or twice a year for 8hrs.  They are going to either be hurt by the fact that their bio-dad has another baby and will resent him for taking care of the baby when he has very little to do with them, or they will hurt because they love this baby and can't see the baby very often.  
My ex told me he refuses to get a DNA test to prove that the child is his.  I really don't want to subject my children to pain for no reason.  I don't trust his GF and have no way of knowing that she won't get pissed off one day and just decide to not allow her kid to be brought 1400 miles away to my home.  
My instict is to protect my children at all cost.  Because I really do feel this is only a 50/50 shot on this baby being my ex's kid, and the fact that he refuses to get a DNA test, I really want to tell him to keep the baby away until I know for a fact that him and his GF are going to stay together.  I don't want my kids to bond with a baby that may not be their sibling just to have it torn away in a year or two because he breaks up with his GF and his GF decides not to allow him to take her child to my home.  
Should I stick to my guns and not allow him to bring the baby around for a while until I know this child isn't going to be snatched away from my kids (and my ex becomes consistent with seeing them) since I don't know if it is their sibling, or should I allow him to bring the baby down immediately and just deal with the consequences?   

by on Dec. 31, 2011 at 3:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Stephd710
by Bronze Member on Dec. 31, 2011 at 4:33 PM
It's your house. You can do whatever you want. My ex also has a new baby with a girl. My twins are a year old. I don't allow her or the baby at my house. If he wants my girls to bond with the kid, then he can take them to their place to do it. He doesn't tho. He hasn't taken my girls since September. If I were you I would say no at this point to having the gf and her kid at your place. Seeing as they only see their dad sparingly, that time should be spent focusing on them.
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momofne
by on Dec. 31, 2011 at 4:40 PM

No! There would be no way.

ljp64
by on Dec. 31, 2011 at 5:08 PM

 no way would he bring gf and new baby to visit his other children that he hasn't seen i a long time...He is there to visit his children not bring more confusion to them.

If he were to bring new baby, your kids will start to feel rescentful because the baby gets to see dad all the time and they don't

it is your house and you get tomake the rules. If he doesn't like it..tuff....you do what you have to do to keep your kids from hurting more..

 

Chrismomto5
by on Dec. 31, 2011 at 5:19 PM

Thanks for your replies.  My ex keeps telling me how horrible I am and how I stole his kids from him, blah blah blah.  I remind him that he is lucky his ass isn't rotting in prison right now and restricted visitation is a small price to pay for his freedom!  He still doesn't get that this is about HIS kids, not him.  He has already destroyed their world once before by downloading child porn.  I refuse to let him to do it again.  

Quoting ljp64:

 no way would he bring gf and new baby to visit his other children that he hasn't seen i a long time...He is there to visit his children not bring more confusion to them.

If he were to bring new baby, your kids will start to feel rescentful because the baby gets to see dad all the time and they don't

it is your house and you get tomake the rules. If he doesn't like it..tuff....you do what you have to do to keep your kids from hurting more..

 


xtreemnorth
by on Jan. 1, 2012 at 1:43 AM

Why would you even entertain the idea of letting him in your home? any man who gets off sexualy by looking at naked children should shot. He is a disgraceful ugly human being and should not be allowed to be around any children, only unless he is being totaly watched. never ever alone with this peice of garbage. I am coming off irate because i am. Screw him, dont you dare even let him try to blame you or accuse you for anything. A loser will always blame someone else, he will try to shame you, make you feel guilty and all that other crap. Keep her away from your house also, otherwise your allowing drama to come in. you are responsible who comes into your home. does his so called girlfriend know he is a pervert? She better know, she needs to protect that baby. A man who gets involved with child porn will never change, the live a secret dark life, they lie, they deceive and lurk in the dark when no one is watching and get turned on by a child. Stay as far away as you can, protect your kids from this man. Your kids need to know truth about him. We dont protect a man loving child porn we protect the kids. Your allowing your mind to get all wrapped up into stuff that hasnt even happend. Make your life simple, keep his shit away from you and your kids. You owe him nothing. Why isnt he in jail?  Stop letting your ex tell you what to do and how you should think, period. I cant beleive your even considering what he is saying. seriously, get a back bone, and dont let him sneak back into your life by guilt.  Please dont allow this man to continue to rule your heart.

Chrismomto5
by on Jan. 1, 2012 at 1:04 PM

I let him come to my home for visits because it is easier to watch him if he is sitting on my couch than if we are out in public somewhere.  He does have court ordered visits, but they are restricted, can only occur in my presence and he can not be alone with the children for even a minute.  He is allowed no phone conversations unless I allow it, ect.  The reason he is not in jail is a long story (one that involved a discussion with a detective.)  Basically, I talked with a detective a week after it happened and he told me my best option at the moment was to take my kids and run. I had no legal obligation to turn him in since I was his spouse and since he had broken the laptop, if he damaged it enough where they couldn't pull anything off of it, I wouldn't be allowed to testify.  I told my ex that I was moving back home (1400 miles away back to Texas) and that he had two choices; he could either let the children and I go without a fight and would never be allowed to see them again without supervision, or I could take the computer and drive down to the police station and see what they thought of the whole thing.  He let us go.  I took his rights away in the divorce.  
 I do like your attitude though.  I've been worried that I am doing the wrong thing by telling him NO you can not bring that kid to my house.  I do owe him nothing at all.  He owes me his freedom! 

Quoting xtreemnorth:

Why would you even entertain the idea of letting him in your home? any man who gets off sexualy by looking at naked children should shot. He is a disgraceful ugly human being and should not be allowed to be around any children, only unless he is being totaly watched. never ever alone with this peice of garbage. I am coming off irate because i am. Screw him, dont you dare even let him try to blame you or accuse you for anything. A loser will always blame someone else, he will try to shame you, make you feel guilty and all that other crap. Keep her away from your house also, otherwise your allowing drama to come in. you are responsible who comes into your home. does his so called girlfriend know he is a pervert? She better know, she needs to protect that baby. A man who gets involved with child porn will never change, the live a secret dark life, they lie, they deceive and lurk in the dark when no one is watching and get turned on by a child. Stay as far away as you can, protect your kids from this man. Your kids need to know truth about him. We dont protect a man loving child porn we protect the kids. Your allowing your mind to get all wrapped up into stuff that hasnt even happend. Make your life simple, keep his shit away from you and your kids. You owe him nothing. Why isnt he in jail?  Stop letting your ex tell you what to do and how you should think, period. I cant beleive your even considering what he is saying. seriously, get a back bone, and dont let him sneak back into your life by guilt.  Please dont allow this man to continue to rule your heart.


Chrismomto5
by on Jan. 1, 2012 at 1:05 PM

Oh, and yes his GF Knows why I left him and so does her mom.  They told me "People Change" and I need to get over it. 

Quoting xtreemnorth:

Why would you even entertain the idea of letting him in your home? any man who gets off sexualy by looking at naked children should shot. He is a disgraceful ugly human being and should not be allowed to be around any children, only unless he is being totaly watched. never ever alone with this peice of garbage. I am coming off irate because i am. Screw him, dont you dare even let him try to blame you or accuse you for anything. A loser will always blame someone else, he will try to shame you, make you feel guilty and all that other crap. Keep her away from your house also, otherwise your allowing drama to come in. you are responsible who comes into your home. does his so called girlfriend know he is a pervert? She better know, she needs to protect that baby. A man who gets involved with child porn will never change, the live a secret dark life, they lie, they deceive and lurk in the dark when no one is watching and get turned on by a child. Stay as far away as you can, protect your kids from this man. Your kids need to know truth about him. We dont protect a man loving child porn we protect the kids. Your allowing your mind to get all wrapped up into stuff that hasnt even happend. Make your life simple, keep his shit away from you and your kids. You owe him nothing. Why isnt he in jail?  Stop letting your ex tell you what to do and how you should think, period. I cant beleive your even considering what he is saying. seriously, get a back bone, and dont let him sneak back into your life by guilt.  Please dont allow this man to continue to rule your heart.


kajunmomma
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 7:09 AM
1 mom liked this

Are you serious?? I would definitely not let her or the new baby at my house if it were me. Not anything against the new child, but for someone to be as dumb to say that people change when the man that got her preggers was watching child porn & for her mom not to be alarmed either is just plain dumb. You are doing nothing any of us wouldnt do ourselves.

Chrismomto5
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 7:27 AM

I talked with my mom.  She told me he's just trying to piss me off and gain control over a situation he has no control over.  Going by her advice, I've decided that I'm not going to even discuss this child coming over to meet my kids until it is at least a year old.  I don't owe him anything, and while my kids do have a right to know a child that is biologically their sibling, meeting it once when it is an infant is not going to do that.  Also, if he brings a baby over, there is no way he is going to be able to interact with my children since he will be too busy taking care of an infant.  Of course, if I want to be a real bitch, I can let him bring the baby without her; this will entail me being stuck taking care of the baby for a little bit while he plays with my kids.  I'm sure that would piss the GF off to no ends when she finds out I've actually touched her kid, lol  

Quoting kajunmomma:

Are you serious?? I would definitely not let her or the new baby at my house if it were me. Not anything against the new child, but for someone to be as dumb to say that people change when the man that got her preggers was watching child porn & for her mom not to be alarmed either is just plain dumb. You are doing nothing any of us wouldnt do ourselves.


Browneyed
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 8:51 AM
Why didn't you still take the labtop to the police??? You shouldnt have gave him a choice
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