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new. scared. need advice.

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:51 AM
  • 23 Replies

my dh and i are still together but are separating in a few mos. it was a planned separation bc im pg due in July and we PCS in Aug but its turned into a maybe we should file for divorce while we're apart type thing. we're in Germany right now but are from FL. we've been together off and on ten years, married almost five. we have two children ages 2.5 yrs and 9 mos. i just turned 24. im terrified. i dont think we've tried hard enough to fix our marriage but he thinks we should call it quits for the kids sake and part of me does too. but then he tells me he loves me and doesnt wanna lose me. so i get confused as to what he really wants. i ask if he wants to see other people while we're separated and he says no. hes still making all these plans for when we PCS. (buying a house, buying a car, etc) it just doesnt seem like hes done and i dont think i am. if we divorce it will turn my world upside down. im scared. when i talk to my mom she says i just need to come home. ive been cramped up in a house for three yrs and i need a break. my fil tells dh to just divorce me. dh has issues he needs to work on but my fil blames them all on me. idk how im to blame for his PTSD and anger issues but i know that i dont help when i see he needs me to back off. (im stubborn, i hate being pushed around) i know my kids deserve better but i feel like they also deserve us to work harder at being together. i want to give it one more year. i want to see if things get better when we're not overseas. but then things would be even more complicated with a new house, car, etc. my mom tells me if my gma could raise three kids on her own then i can. but my gma had three failed, abusive marriages before she met my gpa when i was six. shes not really some one i want to look to for inspiration. (love her dearly but i dont want that for myself or my children. my aunt married to get away from her spouses, my uncle got into drugs and left home and my mom left the state) i dont know what to do. i know its hard to give advice when you dont have all the facts and this is barely scraping the surface but i just needed some where to go. i tried turning to another group i was fond of but my dh was bashed and it didnt help me accomplish any thing. it just left me with more questions.

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
cara124
by Cara on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:59 AM
3 moms liked this

have you and your DH tryed therapy ? ..... sounds to me like both your parents are getting in the middle of your relationship ( which is never a good thing ) and that you need a neutral third party to help you sort out the issues..... if you need someone to vent to on occasion about your DH i would suggest the base Chaplin or counselor ( try hard not to bash your DH to mother ... if your wish the marriage to work ) .....

Cenedra64
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:08 AM
2 moms liked this

I like that idea of counceling and therapy.  Sounds like you got too much input coming from other people's experiences. Those aren't your life

BekaBug
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:11 AM

we went on leave before i had ds. i was gonna stay behind but dh asked me to come back and said we would go to counselling. but then he said that i have the issues and i need to go alone. so i went. and it didnt really fix any thing. he always has some sort of excuse as to why we cant go to couples therapy. we wont have a baby sitter or neither of our kids will take a bottle. things have gotten physical and he says theyll take my kids. which scares the hell out of me. i would never hurt my kids, id die if i lost them. he says that he'll go to anger management when we leave bc he'll have more time but he hasnt gone yet. i cant drive over here so i cant go talk to any one with out him taking me and even then we have no one to watch our kids. every one is PCS'ing. i try not to vent to my mom bc i dont want her to hate him so i am guilty of calling my mil when things get really bad. i know she wont take sides and shes great at calming me. the reason i want to wait til we get back to the states is bc i wont be stuck indoors all day with the kids. we'll be closer to home and i can get breaks from him when i need them. we'll have family around to watch the kids so we can seek help. but i feel like im being naive.

Quoting cara124:

have you and your DH tryed therapy ? ..... sounds to me like both your parents are getting in the middle of your relationship ( which is never a good thing ) and that you need a neutral third party to help you sort out the issues..... if you need someone to vent to on occasion about your DH i would suggest the base Chaplin or counselor ( try hard not to bash your DH to mother ... if your wish the marriage to work ) .....


BekaBug
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:13 AM

thank you. i think after things calm down i'll mention it and see where it goes. im not sure if things are still heated and every time we try and talk we get no where.

Quoting Cenedra64:

I like that idea of counceling and therapy.  Sounds like you got too much input coming from other people's experiences. Those aren't your life


cara124
by Cara on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:21 AM

can you and the kids just go back to the states ? maybe work on all of this when he comes home ? by the way what does PCS mean? ...... and the other issue I think your having is the isolation that being over there is causing...... are there not any support groups/womens groups ... heck play groups for your kids ? .....are you living on the base ? .....

BekaBug
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:01 PM

PCS just means our time here is up and we have to leave. im going back in March but last night my best friend asked me to come home in Feb and dh kinda took it the wrong way. the kids and i are moving back in with my mom until what was suppose to be Aug when we'd move to GA with dh. there are play groups but theyve slimmed down bc every one is moving and the ones that are still here arent going as much. we dont live on base but we live in military leased German apartments.

dh and i just had another talk. we're gonna wait and see how things go when we get home. i didnt really talk to him about therapy but he said that i could start taking one day a week to go get "me time". i didnt wanna push any thing since we havent really been able to see eye to eye.

i cant thank you enough for talking all this out with me. i was geeking out earlier and now that ive started to logically think things out and read through some of the post im not so scared.

Quoting cara124:

can you and the kids just go back to the states ? maybe work on all of this when he comes home ? by the way what does PCS mean? ...... and the other issue I think your having is the isolation that being over there is causing...... are there not any support groups/womens groups ... heck play groups for your kids ? .....are you living on the base ? .....



i'm a book reading, thrill seeking, always traveling, can't sit still, stuck in my ways,  pierced and tattooed, co- sleeping,  anti-vaccinating, extended breast feeding, cloth diapering, home schooling, army wife., and mommy to an all natural little girl. and an intact little boy. who's madly in love with my husband and absolutely loves being a stay at home mommy and army wife kind of woman.

cara124
by Cara on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:07 PM
1 mom liked this

your welcome ..... glad we can help and i hope everything works out for you the way you hope it will.... remember there is always some around to talk / vent / ask questions of in this panel ....

Oceanis123
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:26 PM
2 moms liked this

Dear BB,

You are so young, so beautiful, and you're both so inexperienced. How old is he?

He obviously has family baggage that he has dragged along into your relationship. Being in a foreign country can be devastating, as you don't have your beloved ones around . Also, staying indoors with the kids in the cold German climate can get anyone crazy.

You need to do things for yourself, and become the exciting person you truly are. Instead, I feel you have put all your love and energy into your marriage and kids, and your dh doesn't seem to appreciate it all the time.

You will decide what you do next, but you DEFINITELY need to BE YOURSELF and get a life that pleases you.  

BekaBug
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:46 PM

thank you so much for these kind words.

dh is 25. we been together since HS but took a year "break", stayed friends but saw other people before we got married; a year later.

i do feel like ive lost myself. even my two best friends who i havent seen in a year or two say they hear it in my voice. i put so much into the kids that i dont take for myself and when i do i feel selfish. im hoping that when i get back to FL i'll find myself again. my mom says she'll watch the kids on occasion. she hasnt seen them in a year and my mil has already requested them for certain events (shes never met ds). i have so much to look forward to im just hoping i dont lose my dh in trying to find and better myself. hes a wonderful man but we both have so much growing up to do. i can only hope this time apart will allow us to get the personal help we need so we can come together and work on our relationship.

i keep trying to break every thing down and figure out where to start but again i feel like i shouldnt be putting myself first bc others are more important. but then i think that if i dont help myself then i cant fix the other things around me. and i really just want whats best for my kids.

Quoting Oceanis123:

Dear BB,

You are so young, so beautiful, and you're both so inexperienced. How old is he?

He obviously has family baggage that he has dragged along into your relationship. Being in a foreign country can be devastating, as you don't have your beloved ones around . Also, staying indoors with the kids in the cold German climate can get anyone crazy.

You need to do things for yourself, and become the exciting person you truly are. Instead, I feel you have put all your love and energy into your marriage and kids, and your dh doesn't seem to appreciate it all the time.

You will decide what you do next, but you DEFINITELY need to BE YOURSELF and get a life that pleases you.  



i'm a book reading, thrill seeking, always traveling, can't sit still, stuck in my ways,  pierced and tattooed, co- sleeping,  anti-vaccinating, extended breast feeding, cloth diapering, home schooling, army wife., and mommy to an all natural little girl. and an intact little boy. who's madly in love with my husband and absolutely loves being a stay at home mommy and army wife kind of woman.

stickyfingers
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 1:23 PM
1 mom liked this
i am twice divorced...dont let it be over until u are completely sure that u have done everything u possibly can...also both of u need to stop telling family about ur marriage. agood friend to vent to is ok but thats it...make sure its a friend of the same sex too...but try counseling. dont plan for a divorce plan to stay together...
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