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Red Flags - They DO Matter

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:30 PM
  • 22 Replies

How many of us had red flags when we first met our ex's or stbx's?  I had them AND plenty.

My ex was married before he met me.  He was in the US Army and was married for only three years.  Ironic thing is that his ex left him for another military man (or so my ex tells everyone).  As far as anyone else knows she could have walked out on him due to his money problems - as he had plenty of them back then.  At any rate, she left him.  Shortly after the divorce became final the ex-wife moved away with this military man and took my ex's three year old daughter.  My ex decided it was best to just forget about his daughter.  Not once did he even try and look her up.  He was able to as it was easy to find out where the ex was living and the fact that she moved away with another man in the military it was easy to find her.  How can a man just simply walk away from his own child?  To this day, my ex still hasn't looked up his daughter.  She will be turning 31 in July.   My ex has already proven he can just simply walk out of someone's life.

More red flags - my ex's lies and cover-ups.  There were plenty of times when my found himself in financial mix-ups.  He never told me the truth about any of them and always had a way to cover-up the mess he was in (we were in) and find a way out without even having to talk to me about them (late rent, bought a horse without telling me, left his job to start a failed business without even having clients, re-joined the military when he was too old to, never told me that he was having financial problems again and had two repos in two years).  These are just a few problems that should have been red flags that should have led me to leave him. 

I will never again stay with another man that has red flags.  I've certainly learned my lesson the hard way.

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
M4LG5
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:39 PM

There were plenty but, unfortunately, either ignored or wasn't confident enough to stand up to it.

#1 - his drinking - drinks way too much and is quite irresponsible; he has gotten better but it's been a big thorn in our marriage

#2 - I identified him as someone that is either overly (almost unlreastically) confident OR completely negative.  I didn't put much thought into it and, really, it's hard to deal with someone like this because he really believes in something and doesn't want to see it any other way.

#3 - His friends suck ass!  There is 1 (sorta 2) friends that I like.  All the other ones suck and they are horrible, womanizing men.

SEJ
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:45 PM

 Yes red flags galore!  The big one is his persistence.  He is always right.  His friends were the most important (all full of themselves).  Very controlling.  I was 20 when we met.  Looking back and how it turned out ~ I'm now 42 ~ I was too young and naive to see them.  I should mention he is 7 yrs older than me.

steviechick
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:24 PM

Good lessons learned, ladies.

KRIZZ25
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:27 PM

 love is blind ..so u didn't see the red flags ..

GraLauJon
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:33 PM

yep. but i say that love isnt blind - enfatuation is.   i saw red flags. i knew something was "off" about my stbx...i just couldnt put my finger on what it was. then AFTER we said our vows ppl started talking.  he and i would even talk and he would admit things. it just got worse from there.

steviechick
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:49 PM

My own boss told me back in 1987 that I shouldn't be thinking of marrying my ex.  He heard of all the red flags I was talking about to co-workers.   One of them came up to him and told him about all the red flags.  Suffice it to say, I should have listened to my boss.  Love is like a magnet it pulls you towards it.

Yes, love is blind, and love certainly was hovering all around me. 

diskoveringme
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:19 PM

I agree with #2 completely. My husband is very negative. I'm in the midst of trying to figure out if this is reason enough to leave him. Or worth sticking out, though he won't listen or try to change. (his idea of trying is a week or 2 to say he did try) and then back to his old ways again. (we have 4 boys who see's this)

Quoting M4LG5:

There were plenty but, unfortunately, either ignored or wasn't confident enough to stand up to it.

#1 - his drinking - drinks way too much and is quite irresponsible; he has gotten better but it's been a big thorn in our marriage

#2 - I identified him as someone that is either overly (almost unlreastically) confident OR completely negative.  I didn't put much thought into it and, really, it's hard to deal with someone like this because he really believes in something and doesn't want to see it any other way.

#3 - His friends suck ass!  There is 1 (sorta 2) friends that I like.  All the other ones suck and they are horrible, womanizing men.


M4LG5
by Silver Member on Feb. 9, 2012 at 12:08 PM

The arguments we got into were ridiculous.  When he would go hang out with his friends and tell me, "i'm going to be home in an hour" and then he wasn't and didn't answer his phone for another 2 hours, he would come home and say, "I didn't do anything wrong.  All my friends that are married don't have this problem like I have with you."  That would piss me me off!!

He finally conceded to the fact that one of his best friends, Johnny, isn't someone he should hang out with and isn't a good influence.  I will ALWAYS worry when he is with him.

Quoting SuddenlySAHM:

#3... his friends suck ass.

His friends are cheaters. Serial cheaters, newlywed cheaters, cheaters. He is friends with them. Doesn't stick up for them but doesn't show any signs of feeling what they are doing is wrong.

This should have been a huge red flag smacking me in the face. Birds of a feather and so on...


Montreatgrad
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 1:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 Oh yeah.  The biggest ones were concerns my parents had.  Stupid on my part not to listen or at least slow down and look really hard at what they were talking about.

steviechick
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 2:37 PM


Quoting Montreatgrad:

 Oh yeah.  The biggest ones were concerns my parents had.  Stupid on my part not to listen or at least slow down and look really hard at what they were talking about.


I can SO relate to this, too, Gretchen.  My parents had many concerns about why my ex never stuck to one job.  He was too busy trying to find himself which led to never settling down to one job and an actual career.  I stayed the nurturing mother, wife and kept to one job for many years.  I was the stable one.  My mom worried all the time about our finances and actually helped me out and sent $ a few times.  She stopped herself a lot and tried not to say many negative things about the deadbeat I was married to.  My dad referred to my ex as 'that guy you are married to'.  My dad knew a total loser/deadbeat when he met one.  My ex never impressed my parents.  I never told my ex the money was sent.  1.  I was too ashamed to tell him 2.  I knew it would hurt him to know that my parents had to bail us out of our financial problems. 3.  I was too afraid to tell him in fear that he would use it for his many financial needs.  Thank God I'm more savy with money and know how to stretch a dollar.

I never actually looked at the full picture of my life and just how much my ex was setting up our marriage to fail.  You simply can't have a strong marriage when only one of you is actually trying to save it.  

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