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Advice about husband Please

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:01 PM
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Hello,


I am new to Cafe mom. I joined because I needed to get this out and discuss my situation without a bias opinion. I have been with my husband since I was 14. We married at 17 and 19 and had 3 children. we divorced because he cheated once (that I knew about) I did love him, but I couldn't take the hurt and the other small issues going on at the time and I was young as well and didn't know or think about separation. I moved to another state with my 3 kids and we were doing well. I "grew" up and started becoming a woman. 6 months later he stated he wanted back with me. He moves to the new state and we try again. I have another child. It doesn't work out. (i was just always irritated with him, he can't do anything right etc... not really understanding why I don't like him and our sex was just not good, because I wasn't in to him) So we broke up and he moved back to his home stated. Well we don't really talk for 1 year or a little more except for discussing our children. Well he is begging me to come back over the year here and there and asking why don't I want him and etc... I just don't want him but I do love him. I am dating etc.... and so is he. Well I don't know why, but I take him back and he moves here and we get married. BOOM, JUST LIKE THAT!!!! (I do love the man dearly) Well issues start coming out again, and now that I am older and wiser, I understand everything clearly. (hindsight is 20/20) He is not mature far as his mind set is concerned. he does not make great decisions, he is always angry and I am a very outgoing persons. he complains about any and everybody ALL the time. It's just no fun being around him. I never hear him say anything positive at all. No positive feed back. We have nothing in common at all, I am a Christian and he is too, but he isn't trying to grow and be a better person. It's like he likes being upset and angry and irritated. He won't communicate with me. I don't want to force him to change, he has to want that his self.  He doesn't think he needs change. I've gone to counseling to help me deal with bieng around him and he won't come. My kids hear us argue, we haven't had sex in almost 6 months. THe thought just discusses me. He wants it (of course) I don't. I feel partly it's my fault for jumping in this relationship so quickly again. But my religion played a big role in that decision as well. I am so hurt and not happy at all and I don't know what to do . It's been over 10 years of this, But i am just know realizing WHY i left him each time. Now that it has dawned on me (a little too late now) what do I do? I don't want to hurt my boys again by their father not being here. and I don't want to raise 4 boys alone.  It's just a big mess. Sorry so long

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:01 PM
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Replies (1-5):
Cenedra64
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 6:25 AM

As one Christian to another I'll talk to you about this. I've seen so many women suffer thru an unhappy marriage because they believe the bible tells them to. However the bible does allow for divorce under marital infidility and unfaithfulness.  Also it does state that a man is to care and love for his wife as Christ cared and loved the church.   We are also not bound to non believers. 

You just about described my marriage and trying to reconcile. I gave my ex several chances but his ways colided big time with my beliefs and how I wanted to raise my children.  My ex was depressed misearable and enjoyed his misery and keeping company with it

SEJ
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 8:18 AM

 The religion thing is a big factor for my STBX not accepting divorce.  He was brought up Catholic and I Episcopal.  His Aunt is a Nun so figure this is where the main pressure is coming from not to divorce.  He was not a practicing Catholic when we met.  We were married in a different church than our own (I was also a pregnant bride).  Just wrong from the beginning.  I think it's very important to have the same religious values.  Over the 22 years we have grown apart and don't see eye to eye on religion.  (Or politics.  LOL)  I always say God wants us to be happy and certainly would not support an abusive marriage.  I also am sad that my boys didn't have a more religious upbringing.  We could never agree where to go to church.  We alternated between the 2 for major holidays but could never join.  I would not become Catholic and the boys were Christened Episcopal.  FTR I have nothing against Catholics.  It's just not the religion for me.  Sorry to go off topic a bit here.  My point is that for a strong marriage there has to be a core foundation.  Yes opposites can attract but the core values have to be there.

cara124
by Cara on Feb. 9, 2012 at 9:49 AM
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think of it this way .... is it better for the boys to see/hear you fighting all the time... or would it be better for the boys if your apart from dad and way happier ? .......

diskoveringme
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 8:09 PM

Thanks Ladies. I agree with you. It is very difficult. I am on my way to an appt to see a Counselor now. Each day is getting worse. I stay in prayer. I think I may separate and wait for proof of infedlity so I can divorce him. I don't want to do this but I am not happy and neither are my children. Cenendra24 What church do you belong to? Church of Christ???

Cenedra64
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 9:14 AM


Quoting diskoveringme:

Thanks Ladies. I agree with you. It is very difficult. I am on my way to an appt to see a Counselor now. Each day is getting worse. I stay in prayer. I think I may separate and wait for proof of infedlity so I can divorce him. I don't want to do this but I am not happy and neither are my children. Cenendra24 What church do you belong to? Church of Christ???

I belong to a Presbyterian church.  We jokingly call ourselves "catholic lite" It's a branch of the Church of Scotland

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