I'm sure most of us have dealt with our ex's 'mind games'. My 'mind games' came after my ex told me of his affair.
The day after my ex told me about his disgusting three year affair, I found out that he secretly took our daughter to his unit to get her military ID card renewed - something he should have done over a year ago as it had expired. I was furious knowing that he took her without even telling me and knowing that I needed to get my ID card renewed. When I called him on the phone and asked why he decided to get her ID card renewed he said "You are a big girl. Come get your ID done by yourself". Jerk doesn't describe my reaction after he said this.
My ex sent me several "I'm sorry" e-mails. Then when he read that I wanted all of those peronal loans and the car loan I had to take out and I wanted paid back in full on the settlement agreement he started to send nasty e-mails and text messages. He didn't like the fact that I demanded him repay me for those personal loans I gave him while he was living with the gf. He sent me back several nasty e-mails after that, too. Telling me he didn't want to 'get f'd' since he wanted his precious pool table that was in the basement. I told him he couldn't have it since he already gave our furniture to his gf - well over two years ago I might add. Then he told me it was "all about things and money" after he inquired about the one cradenza in the home office.
He also wanted me to change the separation date from way back when he was active duty - pushing the 'separation date' to Jan. 09 instead of the date he actually told me of his affair - August 21st. I told him to go jump in a lake.
Before my ex opened up and told me about his disgusting affair he was the nicest guy ever. A very loving, tender and wonderful guy. Everything a husband would be to his wife. He was literally Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.
i TOLD my stbx when we walked thru the front door returning from our honeymoon that something seemed "off" about him. i told him i wasnt trying to be mean but that he had the personality of two different ppl, ie dr jekyl and mr hyde. he said, "i know. i can feel it. like in my blood." um....well, the rest is history. total crazy making. i have seen him tell police officers off and get away with it. he told me of times when he did the same (I just wasnt there). One police officer called our house b/c my stbx left him a hostile msg. the guy asked me what my H's problem was. i said, "i wish i knew, we are newly married and i am trying to figure it out myself." things just got worse from there. all thru the years my H would tell me, "you konw what your problem is? you just dont know how to play ppl. you need to be more like me. i can get ppl to do things without them even realizing it." yep, he has always taken pride in himself. he loves to get revenge too, and of course that put me on edge. i used to comment on it. he finally got irate and yelled at me, "stop saying that. i dont get revenge." i asked him, "then what do you call it?" he said, "i like to make sure that things are....even." I asked, "well, what do you think getting even means?" He said, "shut up." and turned around and walked away. we never said shut up to each other in our family. the thigs i adjusted to in my marriage makes me feel disappointed in myself. now its time to rebuild.
I have a similar situation in the Jeckyl & Hyde personality. Before my stbx left me I had friends begging for me to have him teach their husbands how to take such good care of their wives. When he left he became a total ass to me but put on this I'm still such a great guy act to everyone else. Made me sick!!! Well some of the shit he pulled on me came back to bite him. Our DD got caught up in some of it and she flipped her lid on him and called him on it in public. His Mr. Good Guy image came crashing down.
So sorry you are going through this! You are not alone!!!
My x was not volatile. Just a SMOOTH operator. He could manipulate people without saying a word. He played my parents, our children, me, his parents. It is chilling. I never saw Dr. Jekyll; he came off as all Mr. Hyde. I guess that is why it took 30 years all tolled for me to figure it out.
Trust will be difficult for me in the future. But I will trust myself; that is certain.
Quoting bighead:I just joinded this group and it sounds like we are all married to the same man :)
I'm stupd enough to think sex = love, it's done nothing but make me feel cheap and used.
well, you have learned and now you know. its even harder when its your H/stbx/ex playing you that way!! but we all do what we can with the knowlege and info we have at that time. and when we know better, we do better. the best thing to come out of these scenarios is that we learn to treat OURSELVES better. and to respect ourselves more. welcome to the group. self-work is very rewarding b/c we know we can learn to be true to ourselves. and THAT is something we CAN count on.
My husband is very passive/aggressive.....which causes a lot of problems.
No woman is stupid to have hope that things can work out; or to fall back into bed with their x. It just takes time to realize what is happening and then to make it stop. It is all a part of the process.
Let's see there is grief, bargaining, anger, depression, shock, waking up to the truth, tears, the emotional roller coaster and zombieland ...And all of it bounces back and forth from moment to moment. The good news is acceptance does come and life does get better if we let it. I am not there by any stroke of the imagination, but I am beginning to have more and more moments of clarity; and I am no longer blaming myself.
And I can honestly say, and this is a biggie, my love for my x has all but faded to black. I still get emotional and the pangs of loneliness disguise themselves as a desire to have him back. But I recognize what is happening and feel liberated that at last I can see.
It takes time for words of wisdom to become a part of our belief systems and ultimately change us. I think that is what is happening to me; and you great ladies are a part of the change; your words. I thank you.
Quoting M4LG5:My husband is very passive/aggressive.....which causes a lot of problems.
oooh. that is so infuriating! my stbx is totally like that!! it really keeps anyone from moving forward. then he would tell me i was keeping him from that so he took it upon himself to do it anyway. i laffed and said," you havent moved forward. you just movedin a different direction. that doesnt mean you have made progress." he is still pulling all his garbage. it is obvious to me. i just snicker now, at all he pulls with me. "i love you. i hate you." whatever. glad thats going on his head and not mine. im not confused anymore. just disgusted.
Quoting t-jill:I just wish mine would stop being that way. passive aggressive, Mr Hyde (it actually started on our wedding day), and sadistic. All the affection he had for me has somehow been transferred to my daughter, but he doesn't have emotions (except for himself) so who knows, maybe this is all an act as well.
yeah its creepy. that is when i say to go ahead and find another woman. its not appropriate to treat your dd like she is your wife. my stbx tries really hard to be the victim. the DA told me once that abusive men actually believe they are even when they are abusing others. like i said, creepy.
sick of the insanity!
When do you consider the anniversary of your divorce?
- steviechick
on Feb. 14, 2012 at 3:47 PM