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How Do We Face Ourselves?

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 12:11 PM
  • 12 Replies

I know Oprah always says what i think rings true that the hardest thing we can ever do is face ourselves.  it is so easy to point to our kids or our partners and tell them what THEY need to work on.  but focusing inward to reflect on what WE need to do can seem overwhelming and too strenuous.  I know many woman from domestic violence like me who had nervous breakdowns.  others would tell me not to allow myself to get there. i am so glad they did b/c i think i would have!

My stbx always wanted me to keep my mouth shut when we went to marriage counseling so that he could complain about me and tell the therapist what was wrong with ME. "then," he said, "she can tell you how to fix it."  lol.  so i asked him yesterday when we went to lunch why he wanted so much control that it overshadowed  our lives. why did we always leave when it came to HIM being addressed, or when it came to us doing our "homework?"  He honestly didnt know how to answer that and became dumbfounded.

My resolve has been to spend the energy i have hurdling my own obstacles in myself.  my #1 objective right now is to focus on becoming self sufficient so that i can put food on the table. and i wouldnt be at this point if my stbx didnt leave me. yet, i know i should have come to this resolve long ago when i hadnt yet formed a family.  but better late than never i guess. LOL!  

by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 12:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Akeso
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2012 at 3:11 PM

Yes agree re the control thing - mine also has complete control, and the goal of being self-sufficient. I was, until I was with him.

And am I the only one who initially (and continually) sounds out stbx as "sh*tbox"?!!!

beenthere3
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:13 PM
2 moms liked this

Yes, better late than never, definitely!!! Good for you.  You can do it! women have an innate strength none of us are aware of until we need to dig deep and find it! you are strong! 

Took me 16 years to leave a man I would have never been with if I'd been thinking straight about me and loving myself.  Thank God I finally do!

Lovingmyland
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:25 PM
Good for u! One step at a time. Women have an ability to dig deep within themselves and be stronger than any man could possibly be. We have the ability to smile when we are hurting. We are able to nurture each others and our loved ones when we are barely keeping our head above water. We are strong! We are courageous! We are women!
steviechick
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 3:45 PM

I have come to realize that the next time there are red flags in any relationship to quell them instead of having them continue to build.  Like in my previous marriage I allowed things to build.  I covered-up for my ex's many issues.  I never told a soul about our financial problems.  Not about the times we were evicted and what things my ex did that were simply out of control.  It was like a cleansing for me to open up to my friends and family about the many secrets I kept involving my marriage.  I was the 'good' one in our marriage.  Always putting up with BS and turning a blind eye to it.  Instead of actually doing something about the many problems my ex had I simply went along with them and accepted them.  I can beat-up myself over this but have learned those things weren't my fault.  They were someone else's faults.  I'm not perfect by any means.  But, I at least know to be a decent and honorable person.   I have to lead by example from now on.

Cenedra64
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 3:55 PM
1 mom liked this

we are strong...we give birth!!  LOL   Seriously.  I'm glad you reached some positive ideals for your life.   I used to kick myself thinking why didn't I go further my degree and be self supportive? ...why'd I marry him and not stay in the military until retirement?.  All these what-if's are not productive.   I learned I had to focus on what is necessary.   Providing for and loving  my kids. 

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Mar. 5, 2012 at 4:34 PM

Yes and don't men just HATE that we can nurture and give life and have this bond with children? They are the most resentful and envious of that, in my experience, even doctors. I guess that's why there's even a name for it (misogyny).

GraLauJon
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 4:58 PM


Quoting Akeso:

Yes and don't men just HATE that we can nurture and give life and have this bond with children? They are the most resentful and envious of that, in my experience, even doctors. I guess that's why there's even a name for it (misogyny).

funny, b/c who uses that word?  yet women are pegged all the time for "emasculating" their men.  And how many times do men really not step up to the plate and admit that THAT is the real issue?!  and why isnt there a term for a man de-feminizing a woman?!  pffft

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Mar. 5, 2012 at 5:17 PM

Oh I'm not plugged in at all, but my impression is that even the courts in the US are really heavy-handed when it comes to women. They put them in jail long-term for offences that don't warrant it. I just think the judges are women-haters. A term for man de-feminizing a woman? A misogynist too. Oh the stories I could tell you...

GraLauJon
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 6:07 PM


Quoting Akeso:

Oh I'm not plugged in at all, but my impression is that even the courts in the US are really heavy-handed when it comes to women. They put them in jail long-term for offences that don't warrant it. I just think the judges are women-haters. A term for man de-feminizing a woman? A misogynist too. Oh the stories I could tell you...

oh ya, i have heard stories that curled my toenails.  it is why i backed off the system here. the courtroom was a total circus. they at least replaced the male judge with a female one. we still have a scary GAL here but my goal is to just get the divorce finished off btwn us. i may seek more legal counsel before making the final draft and handing it into court, but my stbx's eyes brightened up when i told him we didnt need to step foot inside the courthouse to finalize.  he doesnt want all the stuff i put in the divorce papers to be seen. lol

steviechick
by on Mar. 6, 2012 at 9:06 AM

My ex wanted me to change the separation date back when he was active duty. Did he actually think I would do this so he could prove to his new wife that we were 'separated' the entire time he was with her? I'm sure he's told his boss and co-workers that our marriage was all but over and that we've been living separate lives ever since he was active duty. The only thing about this nonsense is that we've been seen all over town in PUBLIC places.  Plus, our friends have seen us together the entire time he was with his bimbo.  I stood my ground and said H to the LL NO!  on the seperation date being switched from August 28, 2011 to Jan. 2009.   My ex is such a scumbag.

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