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What would you do...need advice

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:44 PM
  • 7 Replies

My BFF and I are both divorced, she for about 6 or so years, and me for almost a year. She didn't date for a while because she thought  her husband would come back to her (whole other story). When she started dating, she had fun going out with different guys, but nothing really serious. Now she is with this guy, and next month it will be 2 years dating him. Here's my dilemma: I despise him! Here's why: for my birthday every year, my friends and I would go to Vegas. After marriage and babies, we kinda stopped for a while. So, 2 years ago, we all decided to go again. I was so excited to have "girlfriend" time, away from being a mommy. Well, my BFF's boyfriend was going to take his teenage daughter "that same weekend" (what a coincidence, right?), so she wanted us to meet him. Fine. Long story short, here's my first impression after knowing him for a total of 10 minutes...we are walking down the street, and these two 20-something year old guys check out his 14 year old daughter (who was wearing daisy duke shorts, btw). She runs back to tell him, and he kinda make a little joke about it, then she says "and they were BLACK!" All of a sudden, he pumps his fist into his hand and acts like he wants to kick their butts (he's Italian, btw). So, right there..a racist, right? Then, that same year, at a Halloween party, he gets stupid drunk and, while I am trying to still get to know him for my bff's sake, he gets totally rude with me, and his only excuse to my bff the next day, was that I "was trying to tell him what to do" and it reminded him of his ex-wife. All I asked him was if he'd ever be interested in going out on a double date with me and my boyfriend. That was it. And to this day, even after I have told my bff at least a few times, he has not apologized to me for that day. Most recently, I reminded her about it last month before her sister's birthday party, and she said "he never apologized to you? Well, he never really sees you a lot." Um, first of all, if that was me, after he apologized to me for acting like an idiot, I would make sure my bff got an apology too. Secondly, I've seen him at least a handful of times since then. Third, no apology was made at the sister's party...and he was talking to me one on one at one point. Here's my question...Do I ever tell my friend that I just don't like him (even if he apologizes, which means nothing now because he's a douche in my eyes for not being a man and doing it on his own that next day. Plus, I can't get over the racist part, which my bff blew off as "a joke")? They will probably get married, and I know she should know by now, but she's kinda aireheaded sometimes! Or do I just try to avoid him when I'm at any function that he's at?

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:44 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Akeso
by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:02 PM

Try to avoid him if he really bothers you but don't wait for an apology, you aren't gonna get it. Blow it off for her sake and yours. He could be very jealous of you as her best friend.

RLSMOM59
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 4:45 PM

Not my problem. If she wants to marry him I would wish her happiness and luck.

GraLauJon
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 5:13 PM

really he sounds abusive but i am very sensitive to certain red flags and i would be worried about the BFF.  but  all you can do is tell her your impressions.  she most likely wont listen to you, so choose your battles wisely, yanno?


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Apr. 19, 2012 at 7:32 PM

If you say something to her you risk losing your friendship.  And you KNOW that she is gonna need your friendship one of these days with a loser like that.

Consider this:  He may be trying to bait you into saying something to her in hopes that it ends your friendship.  Abusers like to isolate their victims.  With you out of her life she is more vulnerable.

I recommend you remember that advice not asked for is not wanted.  Keep your opinions to yourself UNLESS SHE ASKS and you can tell she really wants the truth, not just what she wants to hear.  If she asks, let her know your honest feelings and let the chips fall where they may.

Try to let this go.  Fuck his apology.  At this point even if he did it would not mean jack.

dodgerfan71
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 12:06 PM

Thanks for all your advice. I haven't said anything so far, and because I don't want to ruin our friendship (of over 30 years), I most likely won't. The reason I was going to tell her, was not to make her change her mind about him, but rather to open her eyes a little wider to who he is, and how others, like myself see him. Like I said, she says he treats her well, but what about when they go out to dinner one night and he drinks too much? Like GraLauJon & tottaxi said....I do believe he is abusive. I am just hoping that she figures it out sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone! :)

Jenny_Penny89
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 2:32 PM

 This.

Quoting Akeso:

Try to avoid him if he really bothers you but don't wait for an apology, you aren't gonna get it. Blow it off for her sake and yours. He could be very jealous of you as her best friend.

 

Jen: Mother to Ethan! Girlfriend to Charles! Love my Boys!

KCayea
by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 10:17 PM

honestly. my ex hubs was a douche. all my friends totaly saw that. not one said a dang thing, now when i see that i look at them and say as a friend to you.. he is a loser. you need to drop him. i mean pick your words a little better lol i'd rather lose a friend trying to warn them then watch them get hurt so badly while i did nothing. besides she will be back to you when they split

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