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Emotional Abuse...

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:06 PM
  • 6 Replies
1 mom liked this

 

Abuse is by no means just males against females, it actually happens to men at a alarming rate as well but they are far less likely to seek help or admit to it.  So the first thing to realize is that abuse [all types] effects everyone, in all ages, classes, race, and cultures. 

Abuse, by no means, has to be physical, leave bruises, break bones, or leave any obvious type of indicator.  Abuse is almost never just one type and almost always a mix of various levels and types with one form that is across the board present and the hardest type to break free from.

Emotional.  Yes, the emotional abuse is not only the common denominator in all abusive situations, its also often the hardest to spot from friends and even hardest to admit to.  

It starts quite undetectable at times, masking itself as 'protective', ie: 'He/She is so protective of me around others, He/She loves me so much can spot someone trying who is bad news for me, etc etc.  As time goes forward it gets more and more possessive, you start noticing less and less that you have outside friends and relationships from your own and those that you have are generally His/Her circle that only they 'approve' of. The subtle disappointing looks, shake of the head, sighs get more and more intense, but the moment you shift away from doing or befriending a person that started that look He/She looks at you like you're the world again, often  following with sentiments of love and how wonderful you are. 

Yes, it sounds so obvious so easy to poopoo and think it couldn't happen to you, you are intelligent, you would spot it and know something wasn't right and not get drawn into this deeper and deeper ...... you would be wrong.  It does happen all too often.  Its not long before you are cut off from friends, family, and even outside resources to a point that once you do realize, or the physical abuse starts, or depression hits  or any other way that brings the realization you need out presents itself.... You truly feel helpless, you feel like there is no where to go, no one to reach out to, and when you do manage to leave that first time the gifts, promises, platitudes start and you see your other half like you did in the very beginning and they are once more superman/woman.  Things will be good again................for a few days, week, maybe a month or more, then it starts again and this time its not just friends, but you find they take more control.  For example;  ‘I just want you not to stress/worry as much ‘ and its always bout how they love and are taking care of you and pretty soon... heres the grocery money, oh my debit card/cc was compromised so we are getting new cards and ... yours never comes or you find a different account made and the one you have access to is for household  bills only.

Its manipulation at its finest, It is the strongest and most difficult to break free from and initially realize that its happening to you.  You feel shame, disbelief, mortified, and want to just deny it further because all of those feelings are just as bad as what is happening as well.

 

So how do you break that cycle, how do you remove those chains that have you so imprisoned in your mind you question your sanity at times?  Its not easy, it does not happen overnight, but it is able to be done with help, support groups, and resources of all kinds locally and nationally. 

Its been years since I broke the cycle of abuse I was living in and to this day I need the support and grounding at times.  One thing that has helped me is that I write a journal, not daily, heck I sometimes just jot a entry once a month, sometimes just when I feel down or like I am spiraling, and just as importantly, I write an entry when I succeed in overcoming something. 

It is nothing to be ashamed of to admit or to ask questions.  If you think you might be in trouble, or think you are starting to be cut off from outside friends and such talk to someone!.  Heck post anonymously this and this is happening and you are feeling  a certain way and could it be a warning sign.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE

-As always- anyone that wishes to private message me for questions or an ear or just to vent, feel free.  I wont judge you --


by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:06 PM
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Replies (1-6):
Monsita
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:05 PM

WOW!  this post have me now WONDERING......?

Blsdmommyof6
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 12:38 PM

I just ended a 17 year relationship because of this type of abuse. We started dating in high school and I should have seen the signs then, but I was naive. I slowly began losing close friendships and eventually my family too. I just recently saw my mom and siblings after 10 years of not talking or seeing them. I have gained back 2 very important friends that I had "lost" in these past years also. I have so much emotional baggage I have to work on. I learned to watch the clock for so many years (not taking too long at the store, or too long to get home from work)... little things in life that I had began to think of as "normal"- I have a long road ahead of me, but am thankful I got out when I did.. Thank you for this post, glad to know I am NOT alone.

Mudget
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:48 PM

{{hugs}} no,  you are not alone... 

bjane01
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2012 at 1:03 AM

It is amazing to me that a man whom can appear to be the most wonderful loving romantic thoughtful caring creature on earth and the "dream" man can turn into the biggest nightmare of your life. It happens slowly in such a terrible manipulative way that it is hard to detect.

Before you know it he is doing the most terrible things to you and somehow it feels as if it is all your fault. He insists that he called you a piece of shit ,telling you he hates you, can't stand you, degrades you, ignores your feelings, blames you for everything, chokes you, throws you on the ground, rapes you because you caused him to do it. And you believe it. You feel ashamed and guilty and determined to be a better wife to him. You just try harder but the fear grows. The pain grows.

Then one day you wake up a shell of the person you used to be. Feeling worthless and unworthy of being loved, your self esteem is completely gone, you feel so isolated and alone because you haven't told a soul, and there is nothing left to give. You listen to him yell the words and you barely hear him anymore. You float away as if you aren't there anymore. You plan to kill yourself because you are sure that eveyone is better off without you. Maybe you try to kill yourself but you chicken out.

Then you look in your little girls eyes and realize you can't leave her. So instead you leave. It isn't easy. But you reclaim yourself more and more each day. You ache inside for allowing this man to do the things he did. You find a way. And you smile one day and you feel safe and sane again. Slowly unraveling what he did to you.

Maybe the first time you leave you go back because he becomes prince charming again and you think he's changed. Maybe you go back more than once.

But eventually you have had enough and even his charm makes you sick. His very being makes you sick. One day you leave for good. Maybe no one else really understand the extent of the pain. Maybe they don't understand your anger at him now after all these years. Maybe you can't quite come to say it out loud because you aren't sure anyone will believe you.

But you know. And you walk away a tad jaded but alive.

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2012 at 3:06 AM

A tad jaded is an understatement! LOL! Okay yes give thanks for still being alive because I have been there too. I thought I'd be a little happier though in my life than just thankful to be alive! LOL. I wonder how long it takes to get out of the cycle. I ache for my husband but am so sad if I end up alone the rest of my life. I guess I just have to trust in the good Lord and see what happens.

steviechick
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 3:26 PM

 

Quoting bjane01:

It is amazing to me that a man whom can appear to be the most wonderful loving romantic thoughtful caring creature on earth and the "dream" man can turn into the biggest nightmare of your life. It happens slowly in such a terrible manipulative way that it is hard to detect.

Before you know it he is doing the most terrible things to you and somehow it feels as if it is all your fault. He insists that he called you a piece of shit ,telling you he hates you, can't stand you, degrades you, ignores your feelings, blames you for everything, chokes you, throws you on the ground, rapes you because you caused him to do it. And you believe it. You feel ashamed and guilty and determined to be a better wife to him. You just try harder but the fear grows. The pain grows.

Then one day you wake up a shell of the person you used to be. Feeling worthless and unworthy of being loved, your self esteem is completely gone, you feel so isolated and alone because you haven't told a soul, and there is nothing left to give. You listen to him yell the words and you barely hear him anymore. You float away as if you aren't there anymore. You plan to kill yourself because you are sure that eveyone is better off without you. Maybe you try to kill yourself but you chicken out.

Then you look in your little girls eyes and realize you can't leave her. So instead you leave. It isn't easy. But you reclaim yourself more and more each day. You ache inside for allowing this man to do the things he did. You find a way. And you smile one day and you feel safe and sane again. Slowly unraveling what he did to you.

Maybe the first time you leave you go back because he becomes prince charming again and you think he's changed. Maybe you go back more than once.

But eventually you have had enough and even his charm makes you sick. His very being makes you sick. One day you leave for good. Maybe no one else really understand the extent of the pain. Maybe they don't understand your anger at him now after all these years. Maybe you can't quite come to say it out loud because you aren't sure anyone will believe you.

But you know. And you walk away a tad jaded but alive.

When I met my ex nearly 27 years ago he was so different then what I ended up with.  My ex never degraded me like yours did.  Instead I had to deal with anger, financial problems and later on sexual issues.  It all started out so good - fun times and they were spontaneous moments, too.  That was in the first two years of our relationship.  Then once we were together from that point on I had to deal with the lies he told me about our finances (evictions, borrowed money from family, lost jobs, always switching jobs and careers to ultimately being a lousy provider and financial deadbeat).  The anger management issues were there but not as prelivant until after we were together for about six years.  Then I started to see the other side of my ex shortly after he gave up on a career and spiraled out of control with money and being financially irresponsible.  Stolen property and the many lies that were told me to shortly after that.  The mistress came next which caused even more mental problems with my ex. 

I remember the pain my ex put me through.  The many times I covered up for the reasons why we kept moving all the time and why we never seemed to get ahead in life.  Covered-up for many years the mental abuse that I was suffering from even after our own daughter was old enough to understand what was truly going on with her own father.  He dragged her into his financial problems.  I should have either forced my ex into therapy or had left him years ago.  But, I took my martial vows seriously as well as a commitment to a marriage and a relationship with someone I once loved for a very long time.  

I walked away from my marriage the victor.  Slightly torn from the mental anguish he put me through but much stronger to take on just about anything in my life.  But, then again, I was the stronger one.  I didn't have the financial problems nor the need to have a sexual relationship outside of my marriage.  My ex is a weak and very pathetic human being.

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