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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Am I being petty & getting pissed about nothing?

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 Another night that the ex had the kids. I was told to pick them up at 8:30pm because he has to be at work at 10am the next day. I had to drop the 16yo DS off to mow grandma's yard & the kids had mentioned they hadn't eaten dinner yet (it was only 6pm so I wasn't concerned). I said I would see them when I picked them up later.

Arrive at 8:30pm & 3 of the kids were still eating dinner. Infact- I found out it was 3rds for one of them. Another had her hand in a bag of Doritos. The toddler was begging me for a Twizzler & when I said "no" he throws a huge screaming fit (typical of him though). Then EX says the other kids already had one! So I ask why they had one when they weren't done with dinner yet & he said they were- they were just working on 2nds & 3rds. So I yelled at him about putting a limit on what they eat because I was told to be there at a certain time & yet they weren't ready. His reply? "I'm sorry but mom started dinner late." MOM???? His MOTHER fixed them dinner. Not him! I said it doesn't matter because the same thing happened last week- I told him I would be there at 8pm & yet it was 9:30pm by the time we got home & 10:30 by the time they were asleep! I also told him they need to be ready when I get there from now on.

I'm furious about this yet one of my friends says I need to stop because I'm going to drive myself crazy about what goes on there. It has nothing to do with what is going on- it's the fact that he doesn't have them ready when HE wanted me to pick them up! I'm sure if I had been the one late (whether it was picking them up or having them ready for him to pick up) he would be mad!

by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 9:19 PM
Replies (11-19):
teesoloca
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 1:38 PM
Agree 100%

Quoting RLSMOM59:

Personally you are wasting too much enegry in trying to control what "HE" does. So what his mother fixed dinner, at least the were fed. Ok they weren't ready. just go back out to the car and wait, things happen. You were able to get home at a good time anf the children were in bed before midnight.

I'm not trying to be mean, rude or unsuportive but go back and read youjr posts to find out what you are complaining about; fisrt he doesn't feed them and you're mad; now he is feeding them and you're mad; he won't give you his work schedule and you're mad' he gives you his work schedule and you're mad;

I get you did not think this is where you would be in life but you may want to find other ways to channel that anger, maybe seek counseling.

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PhoenixG
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this

I get that you're mad but for your own sanity...You have to pick your battles. Don't let everything that he does get to you or you will end up being just an unhappy person. Just know he's going to always do something that's going to get under your skin. Brush the small stuff off your shoulder. One thing i'm learning about life is just pick your battles.

Wafah
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 12:39 PM
1 mom liked this
Hi there, I think you are still carrying tons of anger towards your ex and he still has power over you in the sense that he upsets you so much. Don't allow him that privilege and realize that you cannot control what happens when the children are with him. Let it go, you are wasting too much energy on HIM! As much as you want him to change, he doesn't want to, so walk past him and let him be! Either get him to drop off the kids, or take a book with you next time you need to pick them up. If they are late, you just remain cool, relax in your car, read your book and wait. That way he will know he is not getting to you and you may even be surprised: next time you arrive they will be waiting and ready, all fed and still. Good luck!
tottaxi
by Gold Member on May. 1, 2012 at 10:57 AM

What the heck DOES your custody agreement say about visitations?  Are there NO specifics as to time, etc?  Do you just wing it from moment to moment?

GraLauJon
by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:08 PM

no not crazy about the time frames, but i wouldnt nitpick about the fact that at least they are eating dinner there. orders should be in place for the times you d.o and p.u.   that is different. i used to have to drive 1-1/2 hrs to get home.  so, no, they cant play that lingering game.

CampClan
by Bronze Member on May. 1, 2012 at 6:52 PM

 

Quoting tottaxi:

What the heck DOES your custody agreement say about visitations?  Are there NO specifics as to time, etc?  Do you just wing it from moment to moment?

 yes we have set times per the local rule, but I have to make reasonable accomadations for his work schedule (in other words he is suppose to let me know what his days off are so I can plan on the kids being with him on those days). Usually if he is off he gets the kids from 2pm (that's picking the youngest up from daycare at 2pm to the older 2 getting home from school at 3pm) to 8pm on a school day. If it's a Sunday then after church (12:30ish) to 6pm (we did 8pm last Sunday he had off & it was not a good idea because he didn't have them ready to leave til 9!). And Saturdays is usually 9pm so they can get a bath/shower & into bed for church the next morning.

So yeah- we pretty much wing it because he never knows his days off til 2 or 3 days before his work week starts.

tottaxi
by Gold Member on May. 1, 2012 at 6:59 PM


Quoting CampClan:

 

Quoting tottaxi:

What the heck DOES your custody agreement say about visitations?  Are there NO specifics as to time, etc?  Do you just wing it from moment to moment?

 yes we have set times per the local rule, but I have to make reasonable accomadations for his work schedule (in other words he is suppose to let me know what his days off are so I can plan on the kids being with him on those days). Usually if he is off he gets the kids from 2pm (that's picking the youngest up from daycare at 2pm to the older 2 getting home from school at 3pm) to 8pm on a school day. If it's a Sunday then after church (12:30ish) to 6pm (we did 8pm last Sunday he had off & it was not a good idea because he didn't have them ready to leave til 9!). And Saturdays is usually 9pm so they can get a bath/shower & into bed for church the next morning.

So yeah- we pretty much wing it because he never knows his days off til 2 or 3 days before his work week starts.

Yes?  Huh?

You have set times according to local rule...what does that mean?  Do you have A REAL court order or not?  What the heck is "local rule"?

When you divorce you should not be worrying about his schedule.  You need to have a "normal" visitation schedule.  How he deals with his odd hours is no longer your problem, so stop accommodating his jacked up schedule unless you are LEGALLY ORDERED to.

GraLauJon
by on May. 1, 2012 at 7:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I am glad i am hearing all of this. i need to call someone who spoke to an atty for free and he told her over the phone what to ask for in divorce. my stbx doesnt wanna work with attys so he can get away with "modifications" and generalized ideas, etc. down the road once things are all signed.  i am learning how important it is to get things set in stone! 

tottaxi
by Gold Member on May. 1, 2012 at 8:46 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting GraLauJon:

I am glad i am hearing all of this. i need to call someone who spoke to an atty for free and he told her over the phone what to ask for in divorce. my stbx doesnt wanna work with attys so he can get away with "modifications" and generalized ideas, etc. down the road once things are all signed.  i am learning how important it is to get things set in stone! 

GLJ, details are very important.  When hiring an attorney you are basically hiring a mouthpiece.  He does what YOU ask him to do unless it is illegal :)

So...even before going to an attorney you need to have your entire parenting plan prepared the way YOU want it.  An attorney doesn't piss away their time going over what would be the best time for pick ups, returns, what the best night of the week for a visitation should be and should it last three hours or four.  It is about what you want IDEALLY.  That is what you ask for and then you negotiate (grudgingly) from there.  Custody is like selling a house...you may only want $100,000 for the house, but you ask $115,000 so that you can eventually come up with what you truly want while making the buyer think they have bargained you down and gotten a real deal.

You have to think of every possible scenario that will occur in your children's lives until they are eighteen.  Do you want to have to deal with your ex showing up and disrupting a performance by seeing the child before they go on stage?  Or would you prefer that your ex take a few minutes afterwards?  That is just one example.  Read through posts and take notes on the issues that occur in all the members' custody arrangements.  While we are all different, many of our needs are just the same.  If someone's ex has found a loophole, we can take it as a warning and make sure that loophole doesn't exist in our own.

Do you want sole custody or joint custody and do you know the difference?  Once you decide that then there are safe guards that can be built in to help avoid future confusion in regards to all sorts of things.

Best thing to do...post it and let us revise and edit.  Your attorney will then know exactly what you want and will help you achieve that goal.  If you don't do the legwork beforehand you will have to deal with problems later that will cost a lot more $$$$.

And it is the same with the financial aspects of divorce.  Know what you want and put it in writing.  Make sure you are happy with it and also be sure to build in a few things that you can "give up" in order to get what you really want.  It should at least appear that you are willing to give as well as take.

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