Straddling the fence....tired of balancing!

[betterfuture]

Ok the truth is i am weak, lost, confused, and really hating myself. I have been divorced since last April. My ex has been living with another woman in the home we built together since then. I have left and gone back more times than i can count in the 19 years we have been married. He is a drinker, cusses as everyday talk, has verbally downed me for years, been selfish and no help with our four children in everyday responsibilities. I have always described us as two spinning ball: one with him in his world and one with me and the kids, and we bump into each other occassionally. He has always felt all he had to do was work and come home and play with the kids. After four kids i needed help! Anyway the fighting would get bad and i would leave.....then i would miss him so bad i would pack up and go back home. We have been together since i was 12 and him 16. Got married at 18 and 23. He is all i have ever known. Well in the last year he has helped none...kids and i were evicted due to no money, i had to file bankruptcy, and my parents stepped in and built us a small house. Now he wants me to walk away from what i have and the stability my children have to "prove i still love him" and come home. I do still care for him even after everything and am not strong enough to tell him to leave me alone and move on! He says he will marry this girl he is living with if i dont come home now and it will be over forever. I feel i am sitting on a fence in the middle of two fields (two worlds) and am scared to devote 100% either way.....i feel like the 12 year old again unable to make up my mind........looking for insite please.

[GraLauJon]

he sounds like my winner of an stbx.  i say stay where you are for many reasons:

#1 - your parents have given you a way out

#2 - your stbx is playing games with you, iwent thru this exact same scenario! do not buy into it. he will just turn around and slam dunk you again

i know it is hard to cut your losses and move on when you feel so attached to him, but he is sucking you dry, honey. he is a leech, feeding off of women, its sick. no need to doubt the situation anymore. just stop doubting yourself. they keep us all confused and in a daze so that we dont know which way is up. b/c really, choosing them is a fatal mistake and they know that. if he were so great then he would be the man he is supposed to be for his wife and children, it is hard to get over, but you can do it.  this means your vitality and life. and your childrens, too.   i never thought i would see the day where i finally told my H good riddance. but it has finally clicked in my little brain that dealing with them is truly toxic and a death sentence.  You can only gain from here. SO go out and live your life. love your kids. enjoy your parents. meet new, healthy ppl....and maybe one day you will want one of those ppl to stick around and you may find yourself in a much better place.

[tottaxi]

If someone else had written your post, what would you say to them?

If you don't come back he will marry another woman.  He said this?  And you don't know how to respond?  Hellloooo!

Your parents have stepped up and helped you.  What will they think if you returned to this guy?  Are you willing to hurt them after all they have done?

IMO, you need to get your shit together and learn how to live and stand on your own two feet.  He doesn't want you or he wouldn't have another woman in his bed.  You shouldn't want to get back with him, you should want to put his eyes out!  Do you really want HIM or do just want someone to take care of you rather than establishing a life of your own with your children?  If you were a guy I would tell you to start thinking with your big head rather than your little one.  I guess for you I would just say stop putting your libido before logic.

[Wafah]

Hi there sweety! I really think you need to open your eyes and start smelling the coffee! Are you a doormat, a piece of nothing, and someone's yoyo? If in the 19 years you have gone back and forth so many times, why should anything be different now or have changed now? That alone should tell you that it didn't work, it's not working now and will never work in the future! If you go back to this bum, you will be allowing him once more to drown you, and make you miserable. Please STOP hurting yourself, you have done it long enough. He doesn't love you, has played havoc with your emotions and has no respect for you whatsoever! Why on earth would you still want him in your life? Let it go, get yourself together and be grateful for the fact that you still have your parents, and they have even gotten you a home. To threaten you with another woman is the lowest of the low, and you still think you could be happy with him? I can understand why you are finding this hard, it's because you have lived this pattern of going back and forth for 19 years. Well, it's about time you break that pattern, or allow yourself to be broken!

The choice is yours! But my advise is that you should close that chapter off your life and start moving on. It will not be easy, but you have people here to hold you through the process so you don't weaken, buckle under and go back to drown yourself in his drunkenness! You have supportive parents, and the world is full of loving and caring people, if only you'd stop and start looking ahead! Give yourself this opportunity, start loving yourself and ask yourself that are you so worthless that you feel you deserve to be with such an inconsiderate, kniving man, who has no morals and values? The only reason you would consider going back is if you regard yourself as being unworthy of a better and a more peaceful life, where you will be truly loved and supported.

I agree with totaxxi and second her opinion!

If you need support and someone to talk to during this process, feel free to message me anytime. Please don't go back! Love yourself enough to say: THATS ENOUGH! NO MORE! Pull yourself together and make the right choices for yourself and your children.

Love and Hugs!

[GraLauJon]

it is normally hard on women when this happens, but for you you have been with him so long and you were a child when you met him and he is all you know. i tell my kids the same thing about us b/c my son cannot imagine if i were to remarry. the kids have actually asked me to! as a parallel example,  i remember wanting to have kids and thinking how i couldnt even imagine what that would be like. then when they arrive you cant imagine your life without them.  i get like that re: letting go of something bad and going onto something new.  But the world is your oyster, my dear.  I am happy for you that you have your parents. some of us dont.  Hang onto the good stuff.....dont be afraid of discarding what is unhealthy for you.  he doesnt respect you enough to really love you.  or that other girl he is dangling in front of you.

[newbie1198]

I understand where you are coming from I had dated my exh since I was 15. Even after all he has done somewhere deep down I am still that 15yr old girl in love with him. But just like you he and I are from two different worlds and as much as we want things sometimes they just aren't meant to be. Be brave your parents have given you a way out, chance at a fresh start take that leap of faith don't look back. Crazy is defined as repeating the same thing over and over hoping for different result. Good Luck! I wish you the best!!!

[betterfuture]

Thank you all so much for ur support! U show me the rational side of things! Old habits die hard, but i think its time for this one to be put to rest pemanently. One day at a time i will continue to move forward.....

[RLSMOM59]

I didn't read the hwhole post - stopped at he wants me to leave what I have to prove I love him. You have to prove NOTHING to him. Stay where you are! He is out for himself and to alwyas undermine what you have accomplished. Stay YOUR course!

[michiganmom5150]

Sweetie, after he told me he'd marry her if you didn't come back, I'd have hit the road...that proves he doesn't want you, he just wants control you. That's not love. It's so hard to leave and move on, but sounds like your parents are supportive, so you have them to help you. They have helped you provide and you need to stay where you are, for your sake and your kids. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? They are unbiased and I found it very helpful when I was divorcing. A lot of them accept insurance or are income based. Good luck mama and stay strong!

[GraLauJon]

Quoting newbie1198:

I understand where you are coming from I had dated my exh since I was 15. Even after all he has done somewhere deep down I am still that 15yr old girl in love with him. But just like you he and I are from two different worlds and as much as we want things sometimes they just aren't meant to be. Be brave your parents have given you a way out, chance at a fresh start take that leap of faith don't look back. Crazy is defined as repeating the same thing over and over hoping for different result. Good Luck! I wish you the best!!!

LOL - so that's why i felt crazy for so long! and crazy is the ex playing the same mind games over and over thinking the other person wont clue in and get it at some point!

[betterfuture]

Thank you all for "listening" and giving clear advice. I was reminded of some of the reasons i left last night. I received text messages that began at 4am yesterday. First ones were how he is so sorry for the past, then how i needed to fix our situation, then an ultimatum that i have one week to fix things or he is gone forever, then rude comments of how i ruined his life and took his money, then finally at ten pm the end of the day with telling me fu. Common theme thruoughout of how everything is my fault as usual and i need to fix it......and of course he has a way of getting in my head and making me feel guilty.

So i realize everytime i have any contact with him i dive into a state of depression and guilt. We have 4 children together. How can i totally disconnect from him so i can try to break this manipulation cycle? He is still drinking more than ever, still talks to me like im a dog, cusses me, blames me, lives with another woman (the one he has been involved with during our marriage for years). But he knows he has a power over me....threatening to marry this girl if i dont run home in the next week. Of course im scared he will "change" for her and be the husband i wanted him to be. I tell myself he will never change but still wonder. I just want to feel better! Want to feel like a whole person and stop thinking about him and what should have been. Full of regrets!