My boyfriend is worried about being a dad to my boys.
So I had a conversation with my boyfriend today. Good news is... he loves me. Deeply.
Bad news is... he's not sure he has the patience to step in and be a dad to my twin 3 year old boys.
He says a part of him really wants to be their dad (my ex is NOT in the picture AT ALL), but he's worried about starting all of that all over again. His kids are 13 and 15 years old...
We've been together since March. Our relationship has been on again/ off again. But for some reason we both seem drawn to one another.
I totally understand him. I understand that taking on two little ones is difficult. It's a huge deal and one anyone really needs to consider very strongly if they want to take this on.
His biggest issue is one of my boys is an angel, the other one is a devil. This is totally my fault because the devil has had some health issues and I've spoiled him rotten. But now I need to fix this. Not just to help my boyfriend, but because my son will end up being a terrible kid if I can't get this under control. It's really for his sake more than anything else.
I've asked my boyfriend for time. My boys are only 3 1/2 years old. They just started pre-school yesterday. They both have speech delays, so they act out when they can't get their points across. I know they will make huge strides this year, but I really want my boyfriend to stop worrying about raising them and being just my boyfriend. We don't have to rush into mashing our families together. He's wonderful and I adore him. He knows my kids are part of the package. He's just scared.
So any ideas on 1 - how do I help my kids be good little boys who people actually want to be around?
2 - How do I help my boyfriend understand that no matter what, the boys are my responsibility and I would never ask him to be more to them than he is willing to be?
3 - Sadly, do I dump this awesome man before I get really hurt (although it might be too late for that)because he might end up hurting me later on?
OH and... my boss for some reason keeps telling me that T and I are going to be together forever. During one of our "off" periods I did date other guys. None of them compared to T.
I have a 3 year old son and my current boyfriend is a little scared about being his dad figure but really wants too. My son loves him too. My only advice is take it slow. Good luck!! If he loves you'll hell stay around for your boys too.
You have only been together 5 months, and just off and on. Now is not the time to start thinking about him being a father to your kids. You two are still getting to know each other. My advice is take it slow and just enjoy being together. If he decides that he can't handle the fact that you have two children, then you can move on and find that man that will :)
slow down & date for a LONG time before either of you makes rash decisions.... work on your boys behavior by being consistent ..... then work slowly on the relationship between each others families.... here's something YOU may want to think about ... DO you want to be a step-mom to two teenagers? ..... see there is always a flip-side.... I agree with the other ladies slow down enjoy dating each other and growing the relationship slowly ....
From personal experience- my now ex H (Tim) & I started dating when I was 4 months pregnant by another guy. Tim broke up with me shortly before I had my DS because he was afraid of not knowing how to be a father, especially to a child that wasn't his. I was understandabley upset about it but decided it was for the best. Then when DS was born I called Tim's sister (we were close at that time) to let her know DS had been born. Tim ended up calling to tell me his sister was in Myrtle Beach for spring break BUT would I mind him coming over to see the baby. A few months go by & we are still unofficially seeing each other. Then he asked me to take him back. He said he realized I was the one he was meant to be with & if that meant taking on the responsibilty of being a father.
My point is that if it's meant to be it is meant to be. Talk to him about it. Try to understand what his is going through & where he is coming from. Take your time. Let things happen as they do. Good luck!
what worries me is that you are already "on again off again" which means things are...rocky??? they say that however a courtship is, that is how a marriage is. things dont magically transform into happily ever after once you sign a piece of paper. things actually get more strained.
He is telling you early on that he doesnt know if he can handle being a dad to young kids and helping raise them. my mom brought another man into the pic who became my step dad. you cant really do that and not have them be interactive with your kids just whenever they feel like it or however they feel like it. then its like forsaking your kids for the guy. and yanno what? you will get resentful about that after awhile.
and just b/c your boss makes comments about your situation, that does not qualify as a guarantee btwn you and your bf.
I think the other ladies have good advice to slow things down. i know its hard being a single parent and we need help with it, but getting someone to make a committment to you who is telling you he doesnt know if he can do this with you....? if your boys need you your bf could get resentful for tending to them and not him. it happens all the time
My advice is dont sell yourself short. dont settle for less. dont use your desire for companionship in a way that will really temper with your relaitonship with your boys. this guy is letting you know he has issues - i would hate for you to ignore the red flags. as women who have been done wrong by men we need to make sure we break that pattern so we end up with more functional ones.
IMO- just let things unfold as they unfold. My exH & I got together while I was still pregnant with my exF's son. ExH came to me closer to my due date (about a month before) & told me he was scared of being a father to somebody else's child. He wasn't sure he could do it. We ended up breaking up. I had my DS & called his sister (who I had become close to when we were dating) & asked if she wanted to come see the baby. He called me back saying his sister was in Myrtle Beach for spring break but he asked if he could come see us. It took 4 months (of being there but not being my bf) for him to come ask if he could be a part of our family.
Kind of a different situation...
- Peregrine
on Aug. 22, 2012 at 5:05 PM