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Ex bringing gf around our kids before divorce is final

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 8:49 AM
  • 12 Replies
My husband filed for divorce when i was pregnant with our second child. Now my younger son's a month old but divorce is still pending.

My friend saw my husband, my older son (he is not yet two years old) and my husband's gf on the train. I feel angry and hurt. I have been trying to ask him to go to marriage counseling for the kids sake. He said no but he told me he doesnt have a gf. He said lets get the divorce over and we cam start fresh and maybe get back later.

Ha... Now i think i have been through the loneliest 10 month (my pregnancy) alone. Do i really want him back? I probably deserve someone better. My kids will do better if their mommy's happy too.

I dont think i will have the courage to have a boyfriend anytime soon. I just wish my husband doesnt bring girls around my sons. But he wont listen to me anyway.
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by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 8:49 AM
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by Cara on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:29 AM

hugsi'm so sorry this is happening to you & your boys.... I don't have any advice about this I was told that they EX was allowed to have a life so I couldn't control who he had around the children unless they were harmful in someway .... the only thing I was able to put in the custody papers was that the kids where NEVER to be left alone with " GF " ( he's had many so I put the word girlfriend/wife not the name of the current one in the papers ) ...

by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:35 AM
I total understand that feeling. I am having a no third party contact order put IN the papers. For both myself and dd. I am trying to get long term order so even if later on the third party won't be able to effect my child in a negative way. Stbx has had a paramour for a while. Ha somebest friend she turned out to be right. Anyway he does the same things but our dd is 9 and intelligent she has told him that's is wrong and lying is wrong. He tells her that not saying is not lying. Some father is he and then has the gall to say that I am abad mother because she went to bed later than her normal time because we were still going over homework and didnt brush her teeth.
By the way the paramour and were friends so I thought. So can you imagine knowing some has a family allowing the to confid in you to only use them. Gold digging .......*****
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by Bronze Member on Aug. 26, 2012 at 11:47 AM
I know it sucks, I have been there. But you guys aren't together, no matter what he is telling you. His actions say he is done and from the sounds of it, you are better off without him. As long as the gfs aren't dangerous criminals, I would advise against putting a clause in your divorce saying the kids can't be around them. This might bite you in the rear when you decide to date one day. I mean, you don't want to keep your boyfriend away from your kid and not be able to see how they interact until you are married...then its too late if they don't mesh well. I almost put one in mine and I'm so glad I didn't. At the time I was angry and wanted to make it hard on the ex, but it would have been a mistake.
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by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 1:02 PM
I thought about that but. It is for a reason the paramour does things to be whatever cuz she has issues. Even the therapist psychologist stated that with everything she has done. She follows me home text pics videos has stuff mailed to my house ie baby books etc c/ her first initial and my last name etc. it goes on. I never reply although when she followed me home on Valentin's day I did confronted her and have had to file complaints. The cops have even told her to stay away. I just do not want her to play mind games with my child like she does with her own. My dd safety both physically and mentally is most important to me. The lawyer is writing up for her. But right now I can say that in the event that I do find someone I might be interested in that would be something to think about. But right now just starting the filing process is a big step for me. Fear anger resentment loneliness sadness and stress with trying to be strong for her leaves no room to think or even consider talking to someone. One day after I work on myself and I am able to be ME. The person I once was. Fun loving crazy laughing not a shell scared to make the wrong move or feel like I am always walking on eggshells because he going to be mad that me. Then maybe
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by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2012 at 10:20 AM
My heart breaks for you. When we went to court during our divorce in the temporary orders it was put that my kids would not be subjected to my exh's paramour. So I kept my kids from his gf for 6mths.
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 12:15 PM
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Forget marriage counceling, get yourself to a counselor. It sounds like you need you need your own self esteem raised. Why in the world would you want to get back with a man who left you while you were regnant. You deserve much better than that.

Check with your lawyer, I don't know what the rules are in your state. In mine, I was not allowed to say my son couldn't be aorund the ex's GF. However, my son was also a teenager, so age may play a part.

Before the divorce was final, my son told the ex not to bring the GF to school or other functions where his friends would be. The ex did not listen and there was nothing I could do. It just caused problems with the relationship my ex has with his son. It showed us that the GF is more important than his son's wishes.

I wash able to send a letter to the school and tell them that the GF was not to be admitted to meetings about the son. She is not his mother and has no reason to be part of any meetings about his schooling. The school told me they would honor that letter from me. (They have experience with the ex and don't like him at all, which makes it easier for me.)

It's probably too soon for you to think about dating again. Get yourself to a therapist so you can get on with your life and cope with the crap your ex is putting you through. And by no means do not get back with your ex.

by on Aug. 28, 2012 at 7:50 AM
Thank you so much for all of your advices. I was hoping we could stay together not because i still want him but because i thought my kids need a "complete" home. But now i have gone through the loneliest time of my life without him, i really have no desire to be with a guy like that anymore.

I have been trying to get him to hurry up on the divorce, but he is now dragging his feet. Fortunately we have temporary order in place so i am getting child support. But still, i really want to just get the divorce over with and move on.

I think his gf and him do deserve each other. What woman would want to date a guy when his wife was pregnant anyway?
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by on Aug. 28, 2012 at 8:10 PM
You know that saying when life brings you lemons, then make lemonade. Well it is true what better way to live then let the stbx or ex make more lemons. If I live in a much happier moment and to think he will not be my problem anymore and I am free to find me again WOW!
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by on Sep. 28, 2012 at 1:29 PM

i feel for you. i wen thru the same with my stbx. we are finally finalizing divorce now.  they just wanna have their cake and eat it too.   they arent promising anything.  like one person told me, "your H has shown you who he is.  you ought to believe him."   You just sound so unhappy.  i am finally learning to value myself enough to not take that kind of treatment anymore.  You deserve better than that. even if you are on your own you will at least have peace of mind!   HUGS.   

by on Sep. 28, 2012 at 1:35 PM
I told my ex if that were to ever happen and I found out he'd never see them again. Plain and simple.,
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