Tried to introduce boyfriend to son - FAIL! UGH! (have been divorced over 2 yrs)
Hi,
I have been divorced for almost 2 1/2 yrs and have been dating someone for over a year and STILL have not been able to introduce him to my kids. My 17 yr old daughter says I shouldnt date - I should just be alone forever and my son has not really said a lot on the matter. I have tried to bring it up several times and my daughter blows up. I usually have only gone out with him while the kids are with their dad (we have joint custody and switch off week to week). She sometimes contacts me and asks where I am while she is with her dad and I do tell her now that I'm with XXXX and she says "you are terrible." I did not start dating until over 6 months after the divorce was final. I reconnected at a reunion with someone I knew in high school (and even dated a bit) and things have been wonderful. Anyways, I tried to introduce him to my kids months ago when I was attending a wedding and was taking him as a guest and they both wouldnt do it. Well, since my daughter was working last night, I thought I'd try again with introducing him to my son (age 13) so I was going to have XXXX come over to help with a repair project and have dinner so before he was going to come, I brought it up to my son that XXXX was going to come over and help with a repair and eat with us and my son got up and started walking out. I asked where he was going and he said to his dad's (he lives very close by). I said I would like you to meet XXXX and he said "nope." He didnt return for 3 hours (and texts and a call to my ex were ignored and my son didnt have his cell with him). I did NOT anticipate this type of reaction and I am so frustrated. I have told my kids previously that I would never get back with their dad. I am finally happy in a relationship yet I need for XXXX (who has been incredibly understanding and patient) to meet my kids. I just don't know what to do at this point. I am not going to let my kids dictate whether or not I should date. They just think I should remain alone apparently. XXXX is such a good guy and has met all of my siblings , their families, my parents....and I have done things many times with his daughter (he's also divorced) and his family. It just seems natural to introduce him to my kids but they are being VERY negative and combative against it. Does anyone else have a similar experience or suggestions? I do not have a good relationship with my ex so discussing anything with him is out of the question. I've tried to get my daughter into counseling and that did not work - she went once and refused to go again. My ex did not support having her go to counseling - he didnt want her to go in spite of other issues she has as well...so there is no way that he'd have my son go.
Quoting JuliaAlexander:
bump
Sounds like your daughter is a spoiled brat who doesn't give a shit about your happiness -- and your son is following in her footsteps. Sit them both down -- together -- and make it VERY clear that they need to start accepting your new relationship, or you will make their worlds END. No more cell phones, no more computer time -- when they're at your house, they're under house arrest until they can learn to respect you. YOU'RE the only adult in the picture -- their father is obviously a manipulative jackass.
Thank you for the suggestions. Yes, my daughter is immature and I place a lot of blame on myself for her bratty behavior towards me - too many years of being a doormat (thank goodness I am no longer married to the manipulative and controlling jerk) and I have no idea on what crap he feeds them while they are with him. Thank goodness she is a great student and has no troubles at school or with sports - just with her "horrible" mom. My son and I usually have a great relationship - he doesn't mouth off to me or act in a disrepectful fashion - although then he did walk out when I told him I wanted him to meet my boyfriend (at least he didnt shout or stomp around like my daughter would have done). This is really the first headbutt I've had from my son so it was really hard to take. Yesterday was a crazy day - after work I was on the run, taking my son to school's open house, quick dinner, on to baseball, go to grocery store after dropping him back at home...so I did not get a chance to sit down with him and try to discuss Monday night with him. At least he acted like his normal self with me on Tues...talking and laughing as normal. I need to discuss this with him about him walking out like he did and explain to him about my right to have a relationship. Then, need to move on to my daughter. She is a whole 'nother case - will be much more difficult, but it has to be done.
sit your kids down and explain that your relationship with your EX is over and your never going back there... then explain while they don't have to like it that your dating XXXXX they do have to be respectful of him & your relationship with him... let them keep leaving & going to dad's ... show them that they are not going to manipulate you the same way their father did... and yep thats what they are trying to do... YOUR the adult they don't like it to bad ...
I'm going to try to talk to my son tonight. It is so true on how they are trying to manipulate me - my daughter is much worse... and she will try to do the same kind of crap or try to make demands like my ex did. I have been working on trying to be more "tough" and sometimes I'm successful and sometimes not.
Unfortunately, the discussion did not go as planned. My daughter was carrying on about something else and I said something about how she wouldnt talk to her dad like this and she said "well, I respect dad and dont respect you" and then she said that ds was going to live with his dad full time after she goes away to college next year so that i could be with my boyfriend whenever i want. I tried to ask ds if that was the truth and at first he just said 'don't get me in the middle of you two" and then I tried to pursue a conversation further and he got upset and ran to his room. I went in to try to talk further and he was crying and said something to the effect that "you don't love us" and "dad said he'd never do that to us" so I have a feeling that they have told their dad I am dating someone and my ex is feeding the fire with saying that I shouldnt be doing that and that HE'D never to do that to him (just to make himself look good). I kept trying to talk to my ds and he kept trying to get away from me to another part of the house and I left him alone. He basically ignored me the rest of the night but then on Saturday and rest of weekend was fine with me and even went for a run with me on Sunda (first time he has done that). It was very stressful for me and I know I cannot "ignore the elephant in the room" and will need to try to continue this after they return (they're back at their dad's until Thurs). Thanks to everyone for your input so far.
I think your ex is the problem and is feeding them information about how they should feel so they turn against you. Your daughter sounds like she's fallen for everything he says and is completely against you, but to me it sounds like your son feels very torn... on the one hand he loves you very much and wants to be a part of your life, but on the other hand his dad is probably telling him you are a horrible person for doing this and that you don't love him and a bunch of other bull, and now your son feels caught in the middle and very conflicted. I would put all of your effort into your son for now instead of your daughter. He needs a lot of reassurance, and it sounds like he could really benefit from a counselor... but make it very clear that he should go but if he doesn't connect after a few times with the counselor he is with he can try out a different one... it will give him a choice, and if he can find one he is most comfortable with he will get the most out of the help they try to provide. For now, I would worry less about trying to get them to meet your bf and more on trying to improve your relationship with your son. I'm so sorry... it really isn't fair of them to try to deny you happiness, but they will never accept him unless they are happy as well.
Finally!!!
- jrm99
on Aug. 28, 2012 at 11:55 AM