Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Compartmentalize

Posted by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 6:35 AM
  • 3 Replies

I was thinking about how its really been beneficial for me to compartmentalize things in my life so that i can deal rationally with them:

My stbx and i were fighting over what percentage of custody to have the kids.  when he admitted it was just about the money to him i decided to offer the solution of just agreeing on set amts of support vs basing it on how much time we each get to have with the kids. let the time with our kids be a separate issue.  he agreed and as a result he is givine me 100% physical custody of the kids b/c that seems to be what works out best. he visits when he can (or wants to),  which is what he was doing anyways...regardless of the agreement set up originally.  he is also letting me have the house without me buying him out.  like instead of giving me lifelong alimony after a certain point. and i am okay with that.  he is giving me the family van.  that is paid in full.

when i have compartmentalized him talking about starting a new family i try not to let it set in and depress me. it upsets my dd, it hurts me.  but then i think "it hasnt even happened yet." and if i really break it down, it does make me sad that we are not a family with a dad anymore. but #1,  that doesnt mean i cant find another companion/dad who treats us right and better than he has.  #2,  in reality we cannot live with him so why cry about what cannot be?  and #3, we are much healthier living this way.  #4,  if he remarries, the new wife will have to deal with his stuff and maybe he will leave me alone and stop harrassing me consantly.

i just notice that what i THINK or FEAR what will happen, or what is actually happening at the moment,  controls me more than just dealing with it for what it is.  i hope to keep compartmentalizing whatever i can b/c it tones down the panic button for me.  it helps me make more constructive decisions.  and it helps me put my life back together, even if its piece by piece. but thats how its done.




by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 6:35 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-3):
brandnewSha
by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 1:34 PM
I haven't been online in a good long while, but it felt good this was one of the first messages I read coming back. I got so fed up with this divorce business, had to start meds for anxiety and an antidepressant that makes the migraines go way. Especially when I have to talk to the stbx...I am really proud of you for being able to think so clearly and make progress-- You go mama!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
GraLauJon
by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 1:50 PM


Quoting brandnewSha:

I haven't been online in a good long while, but it felt good this was one of the first messages I read coming back. I got so fed up with this divorce business, had to start meds for anxiety and an antidepressant that makes the migraines go way. Especially when I have to talk to the stbx...I am really proud of you for being able to think so clearly and make progress-- You go mama!

aw.  i feel for you b/c i have been thru the same. other moms told me not to have a nervous breakdown b/c of him. one lady at an outreach center said she got cancer and she knew it was from stressing out from being in  an abusive relationship for so long. then she told me, "dont let that happen to you."  well, i have been really sick since june so i hope i have not crossed that line. i am still waiting on a diagnosis.  I am sorry for all that you have had to go thru.  All we can do is our best. Instead of telling moms "stay safe" i have a tendency to tell moms to "stay saNe."   HUGS.

miss_AP
by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 4:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm with you, mama, I try to keep everything separate in order to get what I want and what my kids needs and what is best for everyone.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN