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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

He's behaving strangely and making threats...*update*

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:17 AM
  • 17 Replies

*update* -- This morning, he called after he left for work, to tell me that he will be shutting off the internet and my phone and that he refuses to pay for anything for me and our daughter anymore. I told him he HAS to pay for certain things and he is saying he doesn't have to because he pays the bills. He says that is enough. But when he came home from work, he acted like everything was fine. I still don't know if the internet and phone will be shut off...so far, it's still on, but that doesn't mean anything. He has done this before and sometimes he goes through with it and sometimes he doesn't. He's very impulsive and erratic, especially when in a manic phase. He's now saying that we can continue to live here, but he's still saying that him paying for rent and food and utilities is way more than enough and that he will not be paying for anything extra for our daughter and me. This is how he works, and this is common for people with his disorder (to go back and forth on things). 

So I am trying to decide if I should just cut all ties NOW and start looking for shelters to get out of here now...or if I should hang out a bit more so I can get a job and keep her in the same school she's in, etc. I'm thinking it's time for us to go...I don't want to be subjected to his crap anymore. And to be honest, if I don't find a job within the next week or two at most, I will be screwed (I have medications for diseases I have that I need, not to mention that Sky will need many things as well). And I really don't see me finding a job within a week when I've been looking for one all this time and still don't have one. 

Hopefully I can find a place to take us in. I just hate the idea of leaving everything we own behind. But I need to make a move...there's no sense in me staying here in suspended animation. 

But I have friends telling me that I should NOT file for divorce first (they say that if he files first, he will have to pay for it and lawyers for both of us) and they are telling me to NOT leave the apartment. At this point, I feel like a restraining order seems silly because he has now calmed down and I was never physically harmed. I don't want to be vindictive like he is and create more drama where I don't need to. 


My stbx and I separated months ago, but had yet to file fo divorce and we have continued to live together because I can't afford to live on my own. We were planning on keeping things this way till the end of the schoolyear (June) so that our daughter could finish the grade all in one school and to give me more time to get a job and save some money. stbx has mental instability, is an alcoholic, constant weed-smoker, is almost never here, etc. He's not a stable person in any way. 

But things have been tolerable, livable, and civil. Even really nice, at times. But he had slipped into a manic mood cycle and that made it difficult recently...he was erratic with money, elated moods in an almost fake way, drinking more, etc. 

He came home from work in an elated/happy mood and everything was all good until after dinner. We got into a disagreement and he said some things that were verbally abusive, so I couldn't let it go and had to stick up for myself. He then told me that he would lie and do whatever it takes to take our daughter away from me and that I would never see her again. He kept laughing and telling me that he can and will do everything he can to make my life miserable. Of course, I know that no judge in their right mind would give custody to him, I know he was saying scare tactics....but he began acting very weird after that and started to call the cops, saying he was going to tell them that I was out of control and had been hitting our daughter and him! HUGE lie! I told him to go ahead and call the cops, that I would just tell them everything he said...so he hung up the phone and left that alone.  

I don't really know what to do. I am filing for divorce in the morning, but then what? I have nowhere to live, I have been asking friends and family and no one can help...everyone I know is struggling also. Is there anything I should know about filing? How can I protect myself and my daughter???

by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KeriAZ
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:44 AM

Why do you have to leave? Pack up his S*it and put it outside. If you feel truly threatened then I would advise you get a restraining order against his ass. Write everything down that he does so you have the evidence. When I filed for divorce I did all the paperwork online and printed it out. I dont no if you would be able to do that in your hometown. Here in Maricopa county, AZ I did it online. Then when I printed it off I went down to the courthouse and filed. I didnt have the money so I got a deferment. When I went home I packed up his crap and set it outside. When he came home from work I served him. I told him "You have been served!" He looked at it and cried. He asked where he was to go and I told him I didnt give a damn but he wasnt coming back in my house. We have now been divorced for 3.5 years now. Good Luck.

Meg_the_Mermaid
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:50 AM

I don't think it's possible for me to stay living here. We rent an apartment...he pays ALL the bills (I'm a SAHM). So how could I put him out of the place he pays for? And I could NEVER make enough money to live here on my own, not even with child support. Who would pay my rent if I put him out? I'd have no way to pay for the rent, therefore I'd have to leave within the month. Am I right? Or am I missing something here. 

I live in Orange County, CA...so who knows, I will look online and see if I can file the paperwork from the internet. 

Quoting KeriAZ:

Why do you have to leave? Pack up his S*it and put it outside. If you feel truly threatened then I would advise you get a restraining order against his ass. Write everything down that he does so you have the evidence. When I filed for divorce I did all the paperwork online and printed it out. I dont no if you would be able to do that in your hometown. Here in Maricopa county, AZ I did it online. Then when I printed it off I went down to the courthouse and filed. I didnt have the money so I got a deferment. When I went home I packed up his crap and set it outside. When he came home from work I served him. I told him "You have been served!" He looked at it and cried. He asked where he was to go and I told him I didnt give a damn but he wasnt coming back in my house. We have now been divorced for 3.5 years now. Good Luck.


KeriAZ
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 3:02 AM

Do you have any family that you can live with?? How about friends?

Go to this website for divorce.. www.occcourts.org/self-help/familylaw/endingmarriage.html

Once you file you can request an emergency child support hearing to get money for your kids. Since you are a SAHM go for Alimony. Also tomorrow get your own checking account seperate from his and put some money in it. Im sure you can get a deferrment for the filing fees.

May help if you are able to get a part time job somewhere and stash the money.

If I can help ya let me know.

Quoting Meg_the_Mermaid:

I don't think it's possible for me to stay living here. We rent an apartment...he pays ALL the bills (I'm a SAHM). So how could I put him out of the place he pays for? And I could NEVER make enough money to live here on my own, not even with child support. Who would pay my rent if I put him out? I'd have no way to pay for the rent, therefore I'd have to leave within the month. Am I right? Or am I missing something here. 

I live in Orange County, CA...so who knows, I will look online and see if I can file the paperwork from the internet. 

Quoting KeriAZ:

Why do you have to leave? Pack up his S*it and put it outside. If you feel truly threatened then I would advise you get a restraining order against his ass. Write everything down that he does so you have the evidence. When I filed for divorce I did all the paperwork online and printed it out. I dont no if you would be able to do that in your hometown. Here in Maricopa county, AZ I did it online. Then when I printed it off I went down to the courthouse and filed. I didnt have the money so I got a deferment. When I went home I packed up his crap and set it outside. When he came home from work I served him. I told him "You have been served!" He looked at it and cried. He asked where he was to go and I told him I didnt give a damn but he wasnt coming back in my house. We have now been divorced for 3.5 years now. Good Luck.



Scout Jan 1,2003 - Dec 14,2011. Miss you terribly my baby boy!

Meg_the_Mermaid
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 4:21 AM

Most of my good friends moved out of state...and the ones that are here can't help me. The only family that I have that may possibly be able to help me, they all live hours away from here and in small towns with little or no prospect of getting a life together. I have gone over and over and over everyone I know...I have asked those I felt comfortable enough living with and asking....pretty much, most people I know are having some struggles and rough times too and can't really help me out. The ones that COULD possibly help seem like they just don't really want to have a mother and her child live with them (it's hard, I know...and I know that people get nervous about having others live with them and how long they may possibly be there, etc). There's a homeless shelter a couple hours away that I may end up going to as a last resort (if they still have room), but I'd really rather not go that far. 

I'm not just sitting here doing nothing...I've been thinking about all of this for a couple years now. It's just not as easy as it seems to be for others. Some of us find it difficult. 

Thanks for the link to the website, I'll check that out right now, since I can't sleep at all. 

I do have a separate secret account from him, but it has like $20 in it. He wipes out our joint bank account as soon as we get money in it. He does that so that I CAN'T take any money from him. As soon as he gets paid, he just goes and takes the money out immediately. And we're ALWAYS negative in that account anyway because of his insane spending habits, poor money management, and just general control over it. 

I've been looking for a part-time job for a while now. But I haven't found anything that can work with the schedule I need yet. I do temp work like once a month, but that definitely isn't enough. I ended up selling most of my jewelry as well...and I used to crochet and sew things and sell those for money, but I ran out of materials and have no money to buy more, so I had to put all that on hold. 

Quoting KeriAZ:

Do you have any family that you can live with?? How about friends?

Go to this website for divorce.. www.occcourts.org/self-help/familylaw/endingmarriage.html

Once you file you can request an emergency child support hearing to get money for your kids. Since you are a SAHM go for Alimony. Also tomorrow get your own checking account seperate from his and put some money in it. Im sure you can get a deferrment for the filing fees.

May help if you are able to get a part time job somewhere and stash the money.

If I can help ya let me know.

Quoting Meg_the_Mermaid:

I don't think it's possible for me to stay living here. We rent an apartment...he pays ALL the bills (I'm a SAHM). So how could I put him out of the place he pays for? And I could NEVER make enough money to live here on my own, not even with child support. Who would pay my rent if I put him out? I'd have no way to pay for the rent, therefore I'd have to leave within the month. Am I right? Or am I missing something here. 

I live in Orange County, CA...so who knows, I will look online and see if I can file the paperwork from the internet. 

Quoting KeriAZ:

Why do you have to leave? Pack up his S*it and put it outside. If you feel truly threatened then I would advise you get a restraining order against his ass. Write everything down that he does so you have the evidence. When I filed for divorce I did all the paperwork online and printed it out. I dont no if you would be able to do that in your hometown. Here in Maricopa county, AZ I did it online. Then when I printed it off I went down to the courthouse and filed. I didnt have the money so I got a deferment. When I went home I packed up his crap and set it outside. When he came home from work I served him. I told him "You have been served!" He looked at it and cried. He asked where he was to go and I told him I didnt give a damn but he wasnt coming back in my house. We have now been divorced for 3.5 years now. Good Luck.




HIJKLM
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 4:31 AM
I know this is an unpopular opinion but I would go to the welfare office first. Explain your situation and ask for emergency assistance. They can help you find a shelter or pay for a hotel, get you immediate money for food, they can even help you find legal help. Good luck
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Meg_the_Mermaid
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 4:38 AM

I would rather do it on my own, of course, BUT at this point I may not have a choice. I may have to use some assistance for a little while till I can get back on my feet. Thanks for the advice.

Quoting HIJKLM:

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I would go to the welfare office first. Explain your situation and ask for emergency assistance. They can help you find a shelter or pay for a hotel, get you immediate money for food, they can even help you find legal help. Good luck


HIJKLM
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 4:40 AM
This is what the system is for. Don't put yourself in danger out of pride.

Quoting Meg_the_Mermaid:

I would rather do it on my own, of course, BUT at this point I may not have a choice. I may have to use some assistance for a little while till I can get back on my feet. Thanks for the advice.

Quoting HIJKLM:

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I would go to the welfare office first. Explain your situation and ask for emergency assistance. They can help you find a shelter or pay for a hotel, get you immediate money for food, they can even help you find legal help. Good luck


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MereMcM
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 12:10 PM

If this is really what you want to do, then you need to be aggressive about it.  Go down, like the others said, and file for emergency assistance.  There are stay at home moms that get divorced, and until they get on their feet, they have to have alimony and child support because that is what the situation you were in during the marriage.  If you do it fast, they will draw up an arrangement that he has to comply to...and if you tell them about his instability and illegal behavior, they're only going to side with you more and your need to get out of the situation.  Even if for a few weeks, you need to go to that small town...you never know...it could be a breath of fresh air and a change of scenery that you and your daughter.  

GraLauJon
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:31 PM

he is abusive and sounds bipolar but whatever the reason, if you dont own a home and feel you should move out you can go to a woman's shelter with your dd.  get a dv advocate assigned to you. apply for assistance like the other ladies here said to.  if you go to dept of social svcs they can get cs ordered from him even if you dont have court orders yet.   and if nothing is set up in paperwork you can take your dd anywhere you want!   my BIL tried to say his stbx kidnapped his girls and she spoke to the police and told them he was a convicted felon (got caught driving around with drugs in his car). so they laffed and told her to go wherever she wanted with them.

GraLauJon
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:35 PM

PS. - do not trust him. he is trying to scare you but these guys often do follow thru on their threats. so i agree to file a restraining order against him. you need to start setting things up.  you know he does illegal things, be careful about how you report it if you allowed your dd to be around him when he was doing it (if it was in your apt, etc).  be very careful, but tell them you had to remove her and yourself from your home b/c of it.   also, read "why does he do that?" by lundy bancroft.  that is a typical dv (domestic violence) move, to call the cops on you and claim you abused him. get out now. steer clear away from him.  i have heard horror stories b/c men are being favored right now in the court system.  do not give him a chance to get to you or your child anymore.  filling the R.O will prove you are trying to keep him away from you.  GL  HUGS

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