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How Does This Arrangement Work...?

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:57 PM
  • 32 Replies

I know i have posted before on joint legal custody and my stbx wants 50-50 but he was allowed to veto my kids going to state funded domestic violence counseling and so some women here suggested i at least ask for 49/51 legal custody.  stbx is worried b/c if there is an emergency and if i cannot speak up on behalf of the kids then he wont get to if i get 1% more in that type of situation.  is that true??

One website does list factors, such as a history of phsycial abuse, etc. which would be our case, but i dont see how it could be split percentage-wise anywhere and what the ramifications of that are?


by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Stephd710
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 8:56 PM
That sounds weird. I thought it could just be 50/50 or 100%. I don't see how someone gets 51% right to make a decision.
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tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 13, 2012 at 8:13 AM

All you really need is final say.  He's not wanting the 50/50 for anything but elimnation of child support, so don't buy into that.

If you were dead or in a coma and could not make decisions for your kids, he would be allowed to make those decisions.  And what are the odds?  He's grasping at straws here.

What is your intended visitation schedule?  THAT determines the percentages, not just grabbing some number out of your ass.  Do the math.  Tell him the outcome.  Odds are it won't be exactly even.  He will have to pay CS.  And tell him to accept your terms or your will follow federal guidelines:  the parent that has 51% of overnights is allowed to claim the kids as dependents.

GraLauJon
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:54 AM


Quoting tottaxi:

All you really need is final say.  He's not wanting the 50/50 for anything but elimnation of child support, so don't buy into that.

If you were dead or in a coma and could not make decisions for your kids, he would be allowed to make those decisions.  And what are the odds?  He's grasping at straws here.

What is your intended visitation schedule?  THAT determines the percentages, not just grabbing some number out of your ass.  Do the math.  Tell him the outcome.  Odds are it won't be exactly even.  He will have to pay CS.  And tell him to accept your terms or your will follow federal guidelines:  the parent that has 51% of overnights is allowed to claim the kids as dependents.

totaxi i think you are mixing up physical custody with legal.  he is willing to give me 100% physical custody but he wants a say in anything they do.   its the physical custody that determines cs.

GraLauJon
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:55 AM


Quoting Stephd710:

That sounds weird. I thought it could just be 50/50 or 100%. I don't see how someone gets 51% right to make a decision.

other women have said they get a percentage more b/c of the B.S they have had to go thru of getting medical things done for the kids,e tc and the ex messing with them....which is my situation

GraLauJon
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 1:13 PM

I JUST EMAILED A FEMALE ATTY WHO DOES MEDIATION AND HELPS PPL FILE THEIR OWN DIVORCES THRU MY COUNTY. SHE IS USED TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CASES TOO....I HOPE I CAN GET SOME ANSWERS THRU HER AND GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD!

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 13, 2012 at 4:16 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting GraLauJon:

 

Quoting tottaxi:

All you really need is final say.  He's not wanting the 50/50 for anything but elimnation of child support, so don't buy into that.

If you were dead or in a coma and could not make decisions for your kids, he would be allowed to make those decisions.  And what are the odds?  He's grasping at straws here.

What is your intended visitation schedule?  THAT determines the percentages, not just grabbing some number out of your ass.  Do the math.  Tell him the outcome.  Odds are it won't be exactly even.  He will have to pay CS.  And tell him to accept your terms or your will follow federal guidelines:  the parent that has 51% of overnights is allowed to claim the kids as dependents.

totaxi i think you are mixing up physical custody with legal.  he is willing to give me 100% physical custody but he wants a say in anything they do.   its the physical custody that determines cs.

You said that your stbx wants 50-50.  That means fifty percent custody...legal AND physical.  His use of the 50-50 thing may be a miscommunication on both your parts. 

What I am understanding that your stbx wants EQUAL say in major decisions.  Or maybe he wants the final say in major decisions.  If he wants equal say, then when the two of you do not agree (like the dv counseling), you would have to go to a mediator and possibly to a hearing for a judge to decide if no agreement can be reached.  If he wants the final say, he would be just that.  He would be "the decider".

What the hell does it mean that he will give you 100% physical custody?  Is he saying that he will no longer see the children?  Because 100% is just that ....ALL the time.  If that is the case, why would he think he would even be able to know what is in their best interests?  That makes NO sense.

The two of you need to use the correct language...that used by the court of your State.  There is no such thing as "50-50".  That is where the confusion is coming from.  What does he want?  Sole  custody, shared custody or joint custody?  Tell us that and we will be able to understand what you need to request.

The percentage of visitation time (overnights) is for tax purposes and determining who pays who support.  Those percentages do NOT have anything to do with decision making of major decisions (medical, educational, and religious).  The CP can always make small decisions for the day to day stuff, but medical treatment, dealings with a school and choice of the child's religion would be for both parents to agree upon.

What do you want as an outcome?  Tell us that and we can help you get there...at least as far as knowing what to ask for!

katfeemom
by Member on Dec. 13, 2012 at 4:25 PM
1 mom liked this

If there was an issue of D/M that your kids experienced or were exposed to, why would you consider any split of custody or even unsupervised custody?

GraLauJon
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 5:44 PM


Quoting tottaxi:


Quoting GraLauJon:


Quoting tottaxi:

All you really need is final say.  He's not wanting the 50/50 for anything but elimnation of child support, so don't buy into that.

If you were dead or in a coma and could not make decisions for your kids, he would be allowed to make those decisions.  And what are the odds?  He's grasping at straws here.

What is your intended visitation schedule?  THAT determines the percentages, not just grabbing some number out of your ass.  Do the math.  Tell him the outcome.  Odds are it won't be exactly even.  He will have to pay CS.  And tell him to accept your terms or your will follow federal guidelines:  the parent that has 51% of overnights is allowed to claim the kids as dependents.

totaxi i think you are mixing up physical custody with legal.  he is willing to give me 100% physical custody but he wants a say in anything they do.   its the physical custody that determines cs.

You said that your stbx wants 50-50.  That means fifty percent custody...legal AND physical.  His use of the 50-50 thing may be a miscommunication on both your parts. 

What I am understanding that your stbx wants EQUAL say in major decisions.  Or maybe he wants the final say in major decisions.  If he wants equal say, then when the two of you do not agree (like the dv counseling), you would have to go to a mediator and possibly to a hearing for a judge to decide if no agreement can be reached.  If he wants the final say, he would be just that.  He would be "the decider".

What the hell does it mean that he will give you 100% physical custody?  Is he saying that he will no longer see the children?  Because 100% is just that ....ALL the time.  If that is the case, why would he think he would even be able to know what is in their best interests?  That makes NO sense.

The two of you need to use the correct language...that used by the court of your State.  There is no such thing as "50-50".  That is where the confusion is coming from.  What does he want?  Sole  custody, shared custody or joint custody?  Tell us that and we will be able to understand what you need to request.

The percentage of visitation time (overnights) is for tax purposes and determining who pays who support.  Those percentages do NOT have anything to do with decision making of major decisions (medical, educational, and religious).  The CP can always make small decisions for the day to day stuff, but medical treatment, dealings with a school and choice of the child's religion would be for both parents to agree upon.

What do you want as an outcome?  Tell us that and we can help you get there...at least as far as knowing what to ask for!

we do know the correct terminology. there is physical custody and legal custody. originally, my atty said i could go for sole physical  but legal is usually 50-50 where we both get equal say, so i dunno how to solve that. the atty today only half answered my Q and i am not great at researching the web, alhtough i have been on it all day.  i just want the power to take my kids to doctor appts or counseling wihtout him saying i cant go to a particular place or get a specific type of counseling.  ie, he didnt want domestic violence counseling b/c he was the perpetrator and it makes him look bad. HE wants to decide who to go to, he wants to sit in , etc.  

And no, he is not saying he doesnt want to have anything to do with the kids.  he just wants his freedom to be around when he feels like it - and really to NOT be around b/c he wants to set up house with someone else and start a new family and he wants his time for that. So... there is physical custody (which can be split on a % rate) and visitation.  he's opting to take visitation at everyone's discretion..the kids included.  my son never opts to see him, but the girls do.

My question is, can we split legal custody on a % rate like it can be done with physical custody so we dont have to be controlled by him?  he is worried about emergencies, etc.  but i know him and how he tries to manipulate me to do things his way. i cannot find any breakdowns of legal custody on the web...  this isnt about the money...its just about decisions we both get to make re: the kids.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 13, 2012 at 5:56 PM

Sole custody means sole physical and legal.  As the parent with sole custody, your role would be to keep him informed of appointments, etc.  But he has NO say.  NO input.  You just would say, for example, "I've decided that little Joey and Suzy are going to TinyTot Preschool.   You will owe $220 per month due on the first of each month.  I will send you the school calendar via email."

Joint custody is where you both get equal say.  For example, you want Joey and Suzy to have counseling.  He says "No way".  You can not agree.  You call your attorney or you call for a mediator to mediate the problem.  The mediator can not bring you to an agreement.  A hearing is called and a judge decides that Joey and Suzy are going to be able to see a counselor.

If he is opting to take visitation at everyone's discretion, he is going to be the non-custodial parent.  That means that you will have them the majority of overnights.  That means that YOU can can claim them as tax deductions.  HE CAN NOT UNLESS YOU GIVE HIM THAT RIGHT.  Just because he pays support does not mean that he gets to claim them...not even every other year.  You have to GIVE UP that right in order for him to do so.  He can claim them only if you agree to that in your court order.

Do you want him to have equal say?

GraLauJon
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 5:59 PM
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Quoting katfeemom:

If there was an issue of D/M that your kids experienced or were exposed to, why would you consider any split of custody or even unsupervised custody?

b/c where i live they dont care. everything is "fair" for both parents. its not about the kids here, they dont care if the guy was in jail, has been doing drugs, etc. they dont care. its automatic 50-50 here, kids & money, etc.  I have heard horror stories.  a friend of mine has been thru sheer hell here.  the atty that is supposed to be a rep for the kids and supposedly has a good reputation with the courts is biased. we would be sitting in the hallway trying to get our case settled and women would pass by and cuss her out!  she would just roll her eyes like "whats HER problem?"  i was told by a paralegal this year to steer clear away from her. too late.  my dd who my stbx has gotten to side with him even came out of her office telling me that she didnt want to go to that lady anymore b/c it was like she was trying to make me out to be the bad guy. so that was a huge statement coming from my child who naturally sides with her father.

but we are also known as being the child abuse capitol of our state...and the meth capitol of the U.S.  nice, right?  even supervised visitations are a joke here. i didnt believe it until i was sitting in a chiropractors office (my h wont pay anything alternative, so that is why there is an issue of joint legal custody) and a grandmother was telling a relative on the phone how screwed up the supervised visitations were going for her grandchild and then commented on how you cant beat the system.  I waited until my kids got older to finalize divorce. we have been separated for almost 7 yrs and i would only let the girls go with their dad if i went along too.  now they are older and have cell phones and can speak up.

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