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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

What are some ways...

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:00 PM
  • 20 Replies
1 mom liked this

 I am new to this group and was wanting some advice or whatever.  Me and my husband have been separated almost 5 months. We basically separated because he did have his priorities in order all the time and he accussed me of taking some of his money. Which I did not do, but I cannot prove this to him.

My problem is, I can't get over him. I want nothin more than to try to work on our marriage. We have an 8 year old son together. I try to offer every solution I can think of to try to make it work,and he always tells me flat out no, he is done and it will never work.

I know that I should just move on, but my heart will not let me. I love this man more than life itself and I just can't let get over it. I know it's not the routine and comfort I miss. I seriously miss HIM. How do I cope?

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
GraLauJon
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:11 PM

it would help to know more of your situation re: the money.  ppl dont just leave for no reason....unless they make one up so that they have an "out."   I am sorry you are hurting.   either way, it doesnt sound like he wants to get back together.   Give it some time, it does help take out the sting.  and keep posting here and get a good support grp for yourself.  i feel badly for you.

malibucj
by Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:18 PM

Basically, he had told me all through the marriage that he was happy with it. We werent the perfect couple, but we were far from having anything wrong, or so I thought.  One day I came home from work and he came out in the yard cussing me and wanting to know where his $500 was. (He had some money in an unlocked safe box, and several people knew this). I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and I honestly have no idea where his money went. So to clear my head I stayed at my moms house for the night and told him I would be back. When that time came he refused to let me. As far as financially, we were able to make it, but couldnt just go out and spend and do extra stuff. Well 2 weeks after he refused to let me come home, he had purchased New York Jets tickets for him and his dad. These costed aroudn 200ish a piece. You can do the math and see where I'm getting at on that. If I needed money that badly, I would have asked, and also being married, I always saw things as "ours".

It has been almost 5 months and it seems to be getting worse on me. I just can't get past it. I know I deserve to be treated better than that, but at the same time  I really don't understand what went wrong when he said he was happy and can't give me a reason for not wanting to make it work.

Quoting GraLauJon:

it would help to know more of your situation re: the money.  ppl dont just leave for no reason....unless they make one up so that they have an "out."   I am sorry you are hurting.   either way, it doesnt sound like he wants to get back together.   Give it some time, it does help take out the sting.  and keep posting here and get a good support grp for yourself.  i feel badly for you.


GraLauJon
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:20 PM

yeah, that is sad. people leave all the time b/c they ....well, they can.  if they get bored or whatever reason.  sometimes they dont like the financial responsiblities and wanna be set free.   he certainly doesnt sound like he is being honest with you.   is he not filing for divorce either?

malibucj
by Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:25 PM

About a month and half after "separating", he got a lawyer and we now have a separation agreement. He has initiated all the legal stuff for divorce, but in my state we have to be separated a year before you can file for divorce.  But in the process he pretty much took everything from me, because I financially could not pay the house payment and etc. The only thing I have is our son, which is the best thing to get out of it. But I have had to move back in with my parents and everything because I cannot afford a place of my own.

 


 

Quoting GraLauJon:

yeah, that is sad. people leave all the time b/c they ....well, they can.  if they get bored or whatever reason.  sometimes they dont like the financial responsiblities and wanna be set free.   he certainly doesnt sound like he is being honest with you.   is he not filing for divorce either?


GraLauJon
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:33 PM

wow.  well i am sorry.  my mom used to say "just count your losses and move on."   you will be able to have a man in your life who really does value you. but you have to step back from your ex - he sounds shady.  it helps to create new rituals with your child and just keep on truckin.  there are better things out there.  take one day at a time and know that he is most likely hiding something.

malibucj
by Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:42 PM

One thing I make sure of, my son always, always sees a happy momma, no matter how down I am.

I just wish it were that easy to move on. I really am trying, but I don't know....

GraLauJon
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 1:53 PM

It takes time. it wont happen overnight.  you just have to find something good and productive to do each day. you cant live more than in the moment.   be kind to yourself, pamper yourself.   remind yourself what a nice person you are and tell yourself you can make new goals and life is not over.  this is just the beginning.

tottaxi
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 6:11 PM

IMHO, I think that instead of longing for him you should be one pissed off momma! 

Accusing you of taking $500 is bullshit and a lame-ass EXCUSE for ending the marriage.  Tell him that half of that money was yours anyway and when he finds out who took it to let them know that they owe YOU, too! 

It seems to me like he jumped on the opportunity.  He is probably going through some identity crisis and is trying to relive his youth....and that requires being free of responsibility.

How long where you married? 

In order to change the focus from your broken heart you need to accept this and learn all you can about your rights in this divorce.  What State do you live in?  Is it an "equal" or "equitable" property state?  Have you been married long enough to be eligible for maintenance?  Have you been a sahm?  What are your financial assets?  Do you have a mortgage?

Tell us where you stand financially and in terms of temporary custody.  Maybe we can help you get YOUR priorities in order.

malibucj
by Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 10:47 PM

We were married 8 years. We are both 27.  We live in Virginia.

I work full time for Headstart and during the summer months I draw unemployment. I also am enrolled in evening and weekend college full time.

We do have a mortgage. He is staying in the house, because it would have foreclosed because I could not afford the monthly payment, as it is more than one of my paychecks. We had 2 vehicles. He kept one and signed the other over to me. He just bought a brand new car this past weekend. He gives me $200 a month in child support. But that just started this month. We have amutual agreement on it. I did not file through court, because he told me if he paid what the court would ordered (around 550) he would have to forclose on the house. So I agreed to an out of court payment. After that, he bought a new car (2012 Charger).  So I know I got screwed on the CS. But after tat I will be pursuing it throught court eventually.

As for my income I make 1440 a month before taxes and draw unemployment through the summer. He makes AFTER taxes.

I know there are things I should probably do or can do. I just really am at a loss at what to do, because I cannot afford a lawyer and I have checked with legal aid and got declined because I make "too much".

Quoting tottaxi:

IMHO, I think that instead of longing for him you should be one pissed off momma! 

Accusing you of taking $500 is bullshit and a lame-ass EXCUSE for ending the marriage.  Tell him that half of that money was yours anyway and when he finds out who took it to let them know that they owe YOU, too! 

It seems to me like he jumped on the opportunity.  He is probably going through some identity crisis and is trying to relive his youth....and that requires being free of responsibility.

How long where you married? 

In order to change the focus from your broken heart you need to accept this and learn all you can about your rights in this divorce.  What State do you live in?  Is it an "equal" or "equitable" property state?  Have you been married long enough to be eligible for maintenance?  Have you been a sahm?  What are your financial assets?  Do you have a mortgage?

Tell us where you stand financially and in terms of temporary custody.  Maybe we can help you get YOUR priorities in order.


tottaxi
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 10:14 AM

He is misleading you.  Had you gone to court, the judge more than likely would have allowed you to stay in the home and he would have been ordered to continue paying the mortgage.  There would always be the option of selling the home and splitting the equity.  YOU STILL are entitled to half of any equity.  He will have to pay that to you.

Do you have a credit card?  Go hire an attorney.  You are uninformed and unaware of your rights to assets and property.  He is totally bullshitting you as to CS, too.  Do NOT let him lead you by the nose.  You are going to get screwed.  What law school did he go to that he knows so f'ng much about this stuff?  He is playing you.

When you get over your hurt you will be so pissed that you have allowed him to dupe you.  Stand up for yourself NOW.

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