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Not sure what to do

Posted by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:17 AM
  • 6 Replies

First off let me introduce myself.  I have been divorced for over a year.   I have three children and share 40/60 custody with my ex.   My current drama comes from my fifteen old daughter.  She is having issues with her stepmom.     It all started when this stepmmom brought home new shampoo for my daughter  to use while at their house (stepmom and dad)   The shampoo was used by her 19 year old daughter.   This daughter is away at college.    My daughter says she said thank you but she preferred to use her usual shampoo.  Then last weekend this woman wanted my daughter to blow dry her hair every evening she is at her dad's house.  My daughter's hair was extremely dry the next morning when I saw her.   In addition, my daughter likes having her hair highlighted (it looks really nice and she feels good about it) and this woman constantly tells her that she shouldn't dye her hair.    My daughter has come home two weekends in a row with tears.    I feel that she needs to sit down with both her father and stepmom and talk with them.  It needs to come from her that she is not happy.    She reports that if she says anything she is accused of having attittude and sassying.   Just don't know what is crossing the line.   Should I say something , sit down with her dad and her and have a talk.

by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:17 AM
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by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:40 AM
What kind of shampoo is it? Can you buy it in travel size so she can put it in her night back, in my opinion talk to your ex first.

Now if it was me; I would tell the wife to mind her own business, she is your daughter not hers, i would pack her own shampoo, if my dd wants highlights and her dad and i agree then there is nothing the new wife can do about it.
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by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 1:51 PM

It really sounds like she is missing her daughter who is in college, so she is transfering those missing feelings onto your daughter. I experienced it to a certain extent with my Dad's fourth wife, but there was never any follow through on her part on somethings. However, my Dad did defer to her decision making capabilities on some decisions which kind of made it really awkward. The whole situation happened when I was an adult. You really need to say something to them that your daughter is not really happy, and at some point, she might stop coming because of her own decisions. The courts will not force her to come against her wishes at that age.

by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:33 PM

Stepmom mainly.   I think its solved for now.      After talking with my ex mainly feel that it is a dfifering opinion on how her hair looks.      We're all still learning how to deal with each other.


by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 10:11 PM

I have them four days he has them three.  I am the primary custody parent.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:30 PM

The stepmother is being abusive to your daughter. I have had to deal with similar from my ex-MIL. Passive aggressive and horrible. Sounds like she's trying to wear down your daughter, crosses the line and sounds and IS toxic if your daughter is coming home in tears. She perhaps doesn't like/is jealous when your DD is over there and is making her the one to "choose" not to be there. It's very distressing having someone butt in like that and if you say anything, they turn it around. I don't know what the answer is, but your DD is def. being victimized and should be aware of it and try and give her some "tools" to address this kind of behaviour.

by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Do you get along with your ex? I'm not saying are you besties but at least where you can discuss this and he will take your concern serious? If so try  talking to your ex first and let him know that your daughter has been unhappy the last few weekends and after talking with her it's come to your attention that she is being told that she must use this shampoo or blow dry her hair every evening, although it was nice of the step mom to buy her something at this point your daughter is old enough to have her own options about what she uses in her hair and what she does to her hair. As long it's not harmful she should be allowed to choose without judgement. I'm not sure that talking to both the step mom and ex would be helpful because you mean get the step mom being defensive and your ex will most likely get on her defensive as well making it impossible to have a civil discussion. Or you can even try to get your ex and daughter together and act as the mediated, letting her express how she is feeling and make sure your ex also gets heard if he wants to say something. 

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