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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

New here :)

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:50 PM
  • 9 Replies

Jessi here, I have been married for almost 6 years...but I am desperatley uphappy. I am also terrified to be alone and terrified to lose my kids in the custody battle. These fears are keeping me frozen...

by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:50 PM
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Replies (1-9):
tottaxi
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:26 PM

Welcome! 

Why do you think you would lose your kids???

jessnjosh87
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:57 PM

My husband tells me all the time that I'll never take his kids away from him, that he'll never let me divorce him, and that he'll ruin my life if I leave him. His dad is a lawyer and they have a sh*t-ton of money and resources...and I have nothing. 

tottaxi
by Silver Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 7:41 PM

Have you been the primary caregiver to your children?  Have you ever done anything in your past that would make you appear unfit?

You say you have nothing.  Do you work?  What does your husband do for a living?  Keep in mind that even if you have been a sahm the money that he has earned is marital.  All property purchased during the marriage is marital.  Any funds contributed to a retirement account and interest earned during the marriage is marital.

They may be rich but they can not change the law.  The only advantage that their wealth will have is to delay the process in order to wear you down.  Even that may not work because your attorney (yes, you must have one) will ask that he pay all costs and attorney fees.  If the financial scales are tipped excessively in his favor that is a definite possibility.

All men..rich and poor alike...threaten to take our children.  Don't let his bullying scare you into submission.  Get an attorney.  Start documenting everything.  Limit your verbal conversations and limit communciation to texts and emails so that you have proof of his threats.  Sometimes people who think they are holding all the cards are in for a rude awakening.  You have to be smart.  And strong.  Go hire an attorney and pay him with a credit card NOW.  Pay over the amount that he asks.  Do this while you are still together so that is not a worry.

You will both be required to submit financial disclosures to the court.  You will get child support for your children in accordance with your state's guidelines.  Look up your state's CS calculator to determine what that amount will be.

jessnjosh87
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 11:37 AM
Thank you :)
dawncs
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 3:07 PM

 You need to start documenting your involvement in parenting and how you parent. He may have money, but he can never change certain facts. You can get records from the child daycare you use who picks up and drops off your children. You need to keep a journal of all contact whether phone or visits with him and the children with date, time, and a summary of what happened. Each month, you need to request a log of outgoing and incoming phone calls from the phone company. You can also request in the divorce that he has to pay your attorney fees for the divorce proceedings, court costs for the divorce proceedings, and any hearings between now and when your youngest is 18. To keep him up to date on child support, you need to have it in writing that he can claim the oldest only if he is current on child support by December 31 of that year.


Quoting jessnjosh87:

Jessi here, I have been married for almost 6 years...but I am desperatley uphappy. I am also terrified to be alone and terrified to lose my kids in the custody battle. These fears are keeping me frozen...

Dawn
Beautifully Talanted Autistic Social Story Author
Diagnosed Asperger Syndrome as an adult
Diagnosed Edema (since young)
Author Page: http://www.toyboxunlimited.com/ (has discounts)

patnic
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 4:27 PM

I would start saving money if I were you.  Hide it somewhere.  Just as a back-up.  Have you tried counseling?  What is bad in your marriage?

My husband just got his law degree and I'm scared too.  I don't think the custody of the kids would be bad, but I think financially I'd be screwed.  I wonder if I should just suck it up, stay being a SAHM, be in a sort of shitty marriage or if I get a divorce, I'd probably live in an apartment and go back to work full-time and may be happier.  

jessnjosh87
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 2:11 PM

Saving money is hard when he controls every single penny. I am going to try and get a job, but every time I try, he convinces me to stop looking. He is very verbally/emotionally/mentally abusive, and I don't think all the therapy in the world would help him. Even if it did, I wouldn't stay with him. 

Quoting patnic:

I would start saving money if I were you.  Hide it somewhere.  Just as a back-up.  Have you tried counseling?  What is bad in your marriage?

My husband just got his law degree and I'm scared too.  I don't think the custody of the kids would be bad, but I think financially I'd be screwed.  I wonder if I should just suck it up, stay being a SAHM, be in a sort of shitty marriage or if I get a divorce, I'd probably live in an apartment and go back to work full-time and may be happier.  


patnic
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 2:30 PM

Yikes, scary!  I know, my husband takes care of all the money too.  What I want to start doing is when I go to the grocery store, take out an extra $20 in cash or so and start saving.  I haven't started either, but I know I need to do this.

Good luck!


Quoting jessnjosh87:

Saving money is hard when he controls every single penny. I am going to try and get a job, but every time I try, he convinces me to stop looking. He is very verbally/emotionally/mentally abusive, and I don't think all the therapy in the world would help him. Even if it did, I wouldn't stay with him. 

Quoting patnic:

I would start saving money if I were you.  Hide it somewhere.  Just as a back-up.  Have you tried counseling?  What is bad in your marriage?

My husband just got his law degree and I'm scared too.  I don't think the custody of the kids would be bad, but I think financially I'd be screwed.  I wonder if I should just suck it up, stay being a SAHM, be in a sort of shitty marriage or if I get a divorce, I'd probably live in an apartment and go back to work full-time and may be happier.  



victoriahearts
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 5:07 PM

Welcome Jessi, and like a PP said money doesn't change the law period. I too was married to a  man that was both wealthy and connected, thankful I had an amicable divorce but the law was very clear. I was entitled to half of everything we bought or made in the time we were married, primary custody of our son, and he also paid my attorneys fees. Because he made more than me financially and he was supposedly the primary breadwinner, he needed to pay me spousal support on top of paying child support for our son.  So don't be scared, I would just start documenting everything , from his abuse, whether it's a recording, text message, email, whatever it is just make sure you have proof. Also if you can get access to his finances this would be helpful so your attorney can see what you deserve to receive and he can't hide money later.  You are in far before position then you think, find an attorney, usually you can get your first consultation for free so interview a few of them and stick with the one you like the best and has the best reputation. The only reason he is making threats is because he knows the only way to win is to keep you scared. 

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