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Will she ever realize?

Posted by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:39 PM
  • 5 Replies
DD9 gets so upset on Saturday nights knowing that she has to go back to dads.

She said it's because GF and her DS9 are always there.

She then made the comment "It was so much better when you and dad were together! Why did you have to leave him!?"

I think a lot of her frustration comes from him having someone else in his life so quickly. But it is so hard for me not to take it to heart! :-(
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by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:39 PM
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by Battle Weary on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:36 AM

When she asks you why you left him what do you reply?  The only thing that I've had to address was a statement that I know came more out of ex's mouth than DS's.  Ex has told him "Mommy kicked me out" and he asks why I did that.  Since that is not really how it all went down and DS remembers the particulars of that time all I have to do is say "Now you know what really happened.  You tell me."  And then he can recall a sort of timeline of what happened.  He doesn't know the details leading up to it...just the after effects of the final blow up.

I'm not going to give DS any details at his age, but I am not going to paint a pretty picture of dad, either.  It just wouldn't make sense to tell him what a great guy dad is....if he is so great why would I have diorced him?  It just isn't logical.

So, maybe you just ask her what she remembers about what it was like when dad was home.  

It's not an easy decision to divorce and I think that all our kids want to really know is that you gave it a lot of thought and that you decided it was best for you and the kids.

I really think if the dads handled it better it wouldn't seem so unusual.  DS was so young he could have just accepted this as how things work out sometimes and be unaware of the dark side of the issue.  Ex is so determined to make me out to be the bad guy that he doesn't really consider how that impacts DS.

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:57 AM
Its hard but kids come to their own realizations someday. My dd used to think up the good points about her dad. Nothing wrong with that at all.
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by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:08 AM
Most kids will say that
Its up to you and her dad to secure her in that she is still loved no matter what

Some kids play that card as well in thinking they can get their way with putting the guilt on the parents and for some it works, making parents give them the reins of control. Not good.

Reinforcement that mommy and daddy lives still go on, but it doesnt mean you are loved any less, should be whats said. Not... ohhhh i know sweetie. Im so sorry. Or as some parents do.... Tell their kids what they want to hear and give them false hope that mom and dad may get back together.

Things may still be new and she needs to give it a chance first before making her decision on the new SO and her son. She need positive direction. Its like meeting a new school mate. You may have been in that classroom first and when a new student enters you have to give them the chance before you judge them.
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by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:26 AM
Does he spend any one on one or special time with just her? Of course kids are going to prefer their own intact family as opposed to the new set up. How is she treated? How does she feel she is treated? You can't change that her dad has quickly moved on in life, but the therapist can give DD the tools to deal with the situation. Also children go through the same/ similar stages of divorce as adults. DD mourns the loss of her family, the good of what was, the might have been, the holidays etc.
by Bronze Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 2:52 PM
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Mine is also trying to blame the break up on me and counting on my DD not remembering what he did, because she comes out with the same thing now. But at the time he left, she said very matter of factly, "at least he's not shouting anymore." He was then always saying I was the one doing the shouting... (Another N, tottaxi). Sorry you and your DD have to deal with the new situation so soon. Seems very unfair doesn't it when emotions are still raw. You wonder how they (the kids) cope.

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