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mediation!!

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:45 PM
  • 13 Replies
So I just found out yesterday that my husband and I will be going to mediation on the 27. What can I expect from this. Im nervous I haven't seen him since December and he isn't to happy with me right now so I know he is going to make this all difficult
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by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:56 PM

Is this mediation for custody?

jmoore10
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:10 PM
Yes. Oops lol I guess I let that part out. Sorry
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tottaxi
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:33 PM

I can only tell you of my own experience.  Mediation was court ordered.  The mediator was a retired judge.  It was my understanding going in that we were supposed to discuss what we each wanted in regards to visitation and who would be CP.

Stbx (now ex) spent almost the entire hour ($300) bitching about how I had blindsided him with the divorce.  I sat there and said nothing during his rant. He NEVER mentioned DS.

The mediator asked me what I wanted after listening to asshat complain.  I told him that I had been DS's primary caregiver.  That while I wanted DS to have a relationship with his dad I felt that he should live with me and that I should be CP.  I told him that we had never been able to agree on anything and that he always opposed anything I said just to disagree.  Compromise and cooperation was not possible.  The mediator said that in our situation that he would recommend that one of us would have sole custody.

It took about nine months for custody to be decided.  We never reached an agreement ourselves and it came down to a trial and the judge decided that I would have sole custody.  Ex fought everything, constantly wanted more time, but it was always about what HE wanted and not what was in the best interests of DS.

When you go keep that as your focus.  That while you are willing to facilitate a relationship with their dad that you have been the primary caregiver.   Too many men want joint custody and try to tip the scales so that they do not have to pay child support.  If you have any problems reaching a compromise you need to stress that.  At the very least you need to have the final say in important decisions.  Otherwise you will have a lifetime of mediation or hearings to resolve any differences of opinion.

jmoore10
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:59 PM
Okay thank you. My ex lives in Arizona and my daughter and I live in California. So im definitely asking for sole custody and him visitations only in California. I want him to have a relationship with his daughter but he is making it kind of hard as he only calls every two weeks!!!
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cindydawn
by Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 8:56 AM

You don't have to be in same roomlet the mediator you don't want to see him as he isn't nice with you and that nothing would get accomplished. Good luck

HHx5
by Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 12:17 PM
I went to mediation post divorce for a modification of parenting time. Both mine and ex's lawyer could be present but we opted, at the mediator's encouragement, to do this without lawyers present because she felt the presence of lawyers inhibited any sense of friendliness. We sat a I big table facing each other and each took turns stating what we wanted and why. The mediator acted like our referee when one of us (mainly him) got out of line. She also took notes on what we agreed on. She tried to help us compromise. But, of course, that is the mediator's job - to find a solution, fair or not. We were there for 3 hours at $100 per hour, which the ex and I split. Even though neither of us got what we wanted we did get an acceptable compromise. It was heated at times as my ex and I can't stand each other and have so much anger toward the other. I was emotionally exhausted afterwards. I have heard of staying in separate rooms, too and the mediator running back and forth.
jmoore10
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 10:48 PM
I don't have a problem being in the same room I can handle that I think. Im just afraid my emotions will get the best of me and all I would want to do is cry because in reality I want my family together. But I just wanted to know you ladies experience with mediation so I can have have kind of an idea on what's going to happen
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RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:34 PM

My ex lives across the states but in our hearing he can visit with the girls anytime but he is responsible for all travel fees. You may want to request that in the mediation instead of limiting the visits to CA.  My ex has not seen the girls in 2-3 years and blames me because I have "all" the money. Funny he wasn't singing that tune when he was hiding and spending over $100,000. 


Quoting jmoore10:

Okay thank you. My ex lives in Arizona and my daughter and I live in California. So im definitely asking for sole custody and him visitations only in California. I want him to have a relationship with his daughter but he is making it kind of hard as he only calls every two weeks!!!



jmoore10
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:42 PM
I really do think that after all this is over he won't have anymore contact with us. He barely talk to her now. And it's all because he is living in Arizona. He is a different person when he is around his friends. He was such a loving person now I have no idea who he is. But I have a stronger feeling he isn't going to fight me.


Quoting RLSMOM59:

My ex lives across the states but in our hearing he can visit with the girls anytime but he is responsible for all travel fees. You may want to request that in the mediation instead of limiting the visits to CA.  My ex has not seen the girls in 2-3 years and blames me because I have "all" the money. Funny he wasn't singing that tune when he was hiding and spending over $100,000. 



Quoting jmoore10:

Okay thank you. My ex lives in Arizona and my daughter and I live in California. So im definitely asking for sole custody and him visitations only in California. I want him to have a relationship with his daughter but he is making it kind of hard as he only calls every two weeks!!!





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RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:45 PM

Write it down and take with you so you can follow. That way nothing is missed.

Who gets to claim child(ren) on taxes. If you have two maybe suggest he takes the oldest child every year or he takes both  children every other year.

Request he be responsible for providing medical, dental and vision insurance plus 50% of meds, glasses and deductibles.

Request a college fund be set up for each child with each parent putting in XX amount a month but you will be on the account in case something happens to child then his half will be returned.

Request CS and sole custody. during visitation with father child can contact you at a certain time for XX minutes every other day if longer than the weekend.

Suggest father can contact child(ren) via phone, text, email, in-person. 

That's all I can think of right now.

Oh depending on your state you can have him phone in so you won't have to be in the same room. It is done over speaker and if the mediator needs to talk with him privately you will have to leave the room. That is how I did mine.

Quoting jmoore10:

I don't have a problem being in the same room I can handle that I think. Im just afraid my emotions will get the best of me and all I would want to do is cry because in reality I want my family together. But I just wanted to know you ladies experience with mediation so I can have have kind of an idea on what's going to happen



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