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How to tell kids you are going on a vacation with the boyfriend....

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:43 PM
  • 6 Replies

Hi,  I have been divorced for almost 3 years and have been dating a wonderful guy for almost 2 years.  My children (ds, age 13 and dd, age 17) have not been willing to meet him because they cannot accept the fact that I started dating someone and have moved on.  It has nothing to do with this individual...they just don't think I should date...period.  I share custody with my ex 50/50 and we switch off week to week.  I will be going on a cruise with my boyfriend in another month...he is giving me this vacation as a birthday gift.  I am so excited as I've never done a cruise or an exotic vacation and I'm so excited to be able to go with him.  My problem is that I feel like my kids will lash out at me for going on a vacation with him.  It is during a week that they are with their dad so I'm not giving up a lot of my time with them to go on the trip and on the two days that will overlap into my parenting time, I'm having family members stay at my house to chaperone until I return.  I will tell the kids before I go on this trip but I can only imagine the nasty comments my daughter will make.  She can't even accept when I go to a movie with my bf without making a comment that I'm disgusting.  I don't believe I am doing anything wrong; we are in a fully committed relationship and I'm happier than I have been in years.  My ex and I have a terrible relationship still and only communicate via email.  He treated me like CRAP for YEARS and now I have someone that is so kind and fun and respectful, but my daughter acts like I should just hang out at home by myself.  Has anyone handled difficulties with introducing their new boyfriend to their children and if so, were you able to eventually get them introduced?  I want so much for them to get them to know him but they've rebuffed my attempts to introduce him to them.  My daughter is worse than my son and I think a lot of the time he is following her lead.  Does anyone have suggestions on how to tell them I'm going on a nice vacation with the bf without them causing a scene?  I am 51 yrs old yet I let my 17 yr old daughter walk all over me at times, just like her dad used to :-(

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:43 PM
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by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 12:35 AM

She will get over it. I would go and have a good time. If they are mad too bad. I would tell them to pack it up and move in with their dad. I bet they will be staying with you a little longer. I remember  a post from you before stating how your daughter acts and you are letting her control your life. You are the adult so you should let her know you pay the bills and she will be respectful in your home. If not - getta moving. It's call a come to Jesus meeting for her. I had one with my oldest daughter over the summer and her attitude changed tremendously. 

by Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 6:35 AM
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I have struggled with my daughter like you have since her dad and I split. Although I am in a different situation, it has been the same attitude. It was really hard on me at first because I love her so much. But I have realized a few things. 1. Part of this is my fault. I stayed with her father even as he abused me and let her see an example of an ineffective mother and a woman who could be walked on. 2 Part of it is him because he has manipulated her into feeling sorry for him and she identifies with his power (or precieved power). 3. There is some things I dont have controll over BUT there is some I do. Requiring her to respect me and my life is something I control. I expect her to respect me and when she doesnt, she doesnt get privleges of me being her devoted mom. Not that I dont take care of her but I dont burn my wheels for her when she has disrespect of me. And I have learned that it is okay for her not to like me. In fact part of growth in life is learning boundaries. Your daughter, as mine does, thinks she controlls things with her disapproval of you. Standing your ground actually teaches her that it is not okay to manipulate people. It is a good lesson for her to learn.

So go on your trip. If she says anything to you about it at all dont let it rattle you. I personally would tell her you love her but point out to her that she is going to be gone someday, move away...and you deserve a chance to build a life outside of your role as a mom. If she doesn't get it, then so be it.

My daughter is younger so I hope there is time to teach her. I am afraid she has picked up some bad manipulative habits like her father. But she is my daughter. I love her. I love her enough to try to teach her respect of me so that someday when she faces the real world she might hace skills to cope. The real world isn't going to bow to her ever whim.
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by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 9:03 AM

Thank you for your great input.  Yes, I have posted in the past as I've struggled with my daughter's attitude for quite some time.  The good thing that has happened in the last few months is that she agreed to go to counseling! She agreed to go mainly as she was feeling a great deal of anxiety and even had some panic attacks...but she has gone to the counselor 3 times already and has another appointment coming up next week.  I don't know how much it will help as far as her relationship with me goes but overall it will put her in a much better spot before she leaves for college in the fall.  Bjane01, your experience sounds much like how my life ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and my daughter has unfortunately picked up some of his traits....she tries to control me, she manipulates me, and she is disrespectful to me.  I don't know at times if it is just normal teenage snotty behavior or just her truly trying to be cruel to me.  I have been working on being more assertive towards her (and am improving) and more assertive to my crappy ex when he sends me stupid emails.  I want both of my kids to meet my boyfriend...he has done activities with me and my friends, my family (except my kids), and I have gotten to know his daughter very well (he's been divorced for years and has an 18 yr old daughter) and I have a very good relationship with his daughter and family....but the big piece that is mssing is that I haven't been able introduce him to my son yet.  He briefly met my daughter "by accident" as I didn't know she was at my house during a night she was supposed to be at her dad's.  For some reason, she had gone to m house after gymnastics practice and was planning on staying overnight.  Since the kids were with their dad, my boyfriend took me out to dinner and a concert and had brought me home and there she was.  Almost all of the time I spend with my boyfriend is when the kids are with their dad....I have only gone out in the evening a few times with my bf when the kids are with me.  Anyways, he helps me carry my stuff into the house and there she was.  I introduced them...he was only in the doorway basically and she was up in the living room so I'm not even sure she could see him well...but I gave the introduction and then he left.  She went directly to bed and didn't say anything to me about meeting him.  It wasn't a real intro as far as the way I wanted it though.  Still working on my son also....I had tried it again a couple of weeks ago and he doesn't act disrespectful but just flat out said "no."  I could go on and on but my point of my asking for suggestions was due to this trip coming up that I am so excited for and yet have this cloud hanging over my head because of my fear of the snotty backlash I may get.   I will just put it out there to the kids in the next couple of weeks and yes, if she can't handle it, she can go to her dad's...she has refused to go to his house in the past during his scheduled week because he stresses her out so I know that this isn't even an appealing prospect to her. Thanks again!!

by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 10:45 AM

As I expected, it didn't go well when I told them.  I tried to keep it brief and told my son first...I said I would be out of town a week they are with their dad, and he said where, and I said a cruise, and at first he said "why aren't WE going (meaning him and his sister) and I explained they were supposed to do something with their dad this year for their spring break, and then it got down to me saying I was going with my boyfriend and another couple...and then he acted pissed off.  He said "why do you do this,,,go out with him"...(keep in mind they haven't even met him, even though I have dated him for over a year and a half) I replied because I enjoy his company and he's very nice to me and respectful...but that didn't seem to matter.  He told me that I had "ruined his life" but this to me was just him parroting what his sister as said to me before.  I told him "do you expect me to always be alone" and he said "well you didn't have to" which I took to mean I could have stayed with his dad.  NO  WAY!!  As soon as we got out of the car, he ran in and told his sister, and then she ranted and raved at me and said how could I do that when she is gonig to college and needs money for college...I said  (not that it was her business) that this was a gift and I was not paying for it, then she continued on that I was the worst mother ever and that when she went to college, she'd never come home to my house for Thanksgiving or Christmas.   Now they had to leave yesterday to spend the next week at their dad's.  I haven't spoken to my daughter since her rant at me the night before.  My son has spoken to me briefly and sent me a couple of text msgs.  SO  FRUSTRATING!  I have a right to move on with my life, especially since it has been almost 3 years since divorce has been finalized.  I will need to discuss things with them further when they return next Thurs.

by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 12:12 PM
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Ohh I feel for you..   I have a 14 yo daughter and a 9yo daughter, I have been divorced since Sept 2012, and I do have a bfriend whom we live together (we have been friends for over 20 years) and he is helping me financially they love him dearly but  I get the same thing. She 14yo always saying we need a girls only trip and since the EX doesnt come to see them they are with me all the time so we get alot of free timebut that is never good enough for her, I did mention that  when her dad takes them (summer break if he does)that we may also go away well she is livid. lol..I am not supposed to go on with my life it is supposed to revolve around her.. soo frusterating.I am also going to do what you did or maybe wont tell them until they are with their father as they will make excuses not to see him so that they can stay with me... Teenage years YIKES!!

by Battle Weary on Mar. 1, 2013 at 5:10 PM
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Maybe your kids A.) want to be the sole focus of your life and don't want to share you. Or B.) Don't want to consider the fact that their mother may be having sex.

Your daughter needs to realize that she is NOT the center of the universe.  She's being very selfish.  She needs to learn sooner rather than later that YOU TOO have a right to seek happiness.

This may be one of those times when you whip out the "You're not the boss of me" phrase.

They will eventually realize that when mom is happy, everybody's happier.  Don't let them yank your chain.  You are the adult.  They should be taught a few boundaries and dictating your social life is not part of theirs.

Go have fun!  You deserve a little personal happiness.

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