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Ex won't be supportive of daughter getting counseling

Posted by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 9:08 PM
  • 8 Replies

I have been divorced for almost 3 years and share custody 50/50 with my ex.  Kids (dd, age 17, ds, age 13) rotate between me and my ex on a weekly basis (week with me, next week with him, back with me for a week, and so on). I asked for the divorce after years of unhappiness and emotional abuse from my ex.   My ex and I have a terrible relationship still and  communicate almost exclusively via email.   My dd has been struggling for the past year now with anxiety and is often very stressed due to school and sports.  I had been trying to get her into counseling for the past 3 years and she would never agree, and my ex would say "I don't support her to go to counseling.  She doesn't need to go"   even though she obviously could have benefitted from it.  A few months ago, she finally started saying that she needed help with her anxiety and then she finally did admit to me that she wanted to go to counseling.  I set up the appts thru my employer (an Employee Assistance Program) so the first 3 visits would even be free.  She did not want me to tell my ex about it.  Then, she was staying with him and at 1 in the morning, was sending me text msgs because she was having what seemed like a panic attack.  She admitted she had been having them regularly.  She did not want to tell her dad.  She asked if I could bring her to the medical dr the next day and to not tell her dad. Even though she was going to have her first counseling appt in a few days, she said she could not wait and needed help and thought the medical dr could help her. I did bring her the next day and she was prescribed Zoloft.  She still did not want me to tell her dad.  She will be 18 in a few months so I agreed.  A couple of days later, after she went to the first counseling appt, she agreed to let me tell her dad. Literally, just a week had gone by, from the time I took her to the dr to this counseling appt.  He immediately started sending me all sorts of crappy emails on how he didn't support her going to counseling or going to the dr.  I explained she had asked me to keep it in confidence first and in a few months, she'd be an adult and wouldnt have to tell either of us.  I kept trying to stress how important it was that she finally reached out to one of us to get her help, yet he refuses to see it that way and instead just says I violated rules by not telling him.  My main concern was getting her help and he keeps sending me crappy emails about it.  I can see that she really needs help - I've seen her start to get so agitated when she looks like she is going to have a panic  or anxiety attack.  The fact that she is willing and eager to go to counseling is a big step and a mature step.  I sent him an email today that she has a counseling appt next week (it will be her third visit) and he sent me yet another email that he doesn't support it and that he'd be forwarding me the bill....so I assume he's telling me he isn't going to help pay for her counseling.  I'm so steamed and just baffled that he isn't supportive of her getting counseling....WTH???  I could go on for hours on all the crappy things he does.  She has even told him that he's a big cause of her stress.  She sent me a text today stating that he doesn't believe she has a problem.  It is SO ridiculous.  Obviously, if she had felt comfortable talking to him about her problem, she would have woken him up when she was having a panic attack, but instead she sends me the text msgs and asked ME to get her help in the morning and to NOT tell him right away.  Was that so wrong on my part...to be more concerned about a nearly 18 year old that about notifying him about the counseling and dr, especially when he wasn't supportive of counseling in the past? Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of issue...where your ex hasn't been supportive of one of your kids getting professional help?  I just DO NOT understand why he would make an issue of this and isn't instead telling her daughter she is doing the right thing in getting help??

by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 9:08 PM
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Replies (1-8):
HHx5
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 10:45 AM
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Hugs!!!

You're doing the right thing by your daughter. If her father was emotionally abusive toward you then he probably has some ego and control issues. He's mad because he isn't in control of your daughter. So what, he doesn't support it. It isn't fair that he is acting this way. Maybe you could tell him that he is harming his relationship with his daughter by not being supportive. Maybe you could tell him that you won't be supportive of her continuing a relationship with him if he isn't understanding of her feelings. I don't know what I'd do, I'm a little bit of a hot-head sometimes. Have you spoke to an attorney about this? He should be helping pay any bills whether he agrees or not because she obviously needs this. It's worth fighting for even if she will be 18 soon.

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't know about all that at all but I'm just LOL still at totaxi's () reply. Except to say I would've done what you did and have done similar - got the same crappy emails from STBX because... he wasn't in control of the outcome.

jrm99
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:50 PM

I thought tottaxi's reply was funny too....you don't know how many times I've wanted to reply to his stupid emails with all sorts of 4 letter words and nasty comments...but I don't....I always just stick to the facts and try to be pleasant.  I save all the emails, so I have records of his stupid comments and stupid emails if I ever need them for anything.  I did tell my daughter that I'd pay for the counseling myself if necessary (I believe some of it is covered by insurance).  We have a joint account for the first time ever (AFTER the divorce!) to pay for expenses for kids....technically, I could just write the check out of that account, but then he'll send his email about how since he didn't approve of the counseling, that I have written an unauthorized check. GRRR!  

RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 7:06 PM
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Well if he is not supportive of her going for counseling have her go to ER and then send him the bill. He will be really hot then. 

You are doing just fine and your daughter reached out because she needs help. Your ex is finding out that he can no longer control her and is scared of what she may say in the sessions. If the bill doesn't get paid, pay it and take him back to court. Don't punish your daughter for craziness.

jrm99
by Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 5:59 PM

Thanks....he sent me an email about how he got a bill (but I don't think he really did, because her first visits are still supposed to be covered under my Employee Assistance Program) and I told him that they were supposed to be covered and could he please send it (haven't seen it yet...thought maybe he'd scan and send ).  I had to go get my daughter this morning from school because she was very anxious and agitated...here is what I included in the email: 

"And in case  you again are questioning whether she has a problem with anxiety, I had to pick her up at school again today (I am working from home and the nurse called me) and she  sent me a text that said  "Mom I feel awful.  Anxiety and agitated.  I have to go home. It's bad."   And she asked me to remind her when her next counseling appointment is.   She needs help and is trying to get that help from the counselor on how to cope.  I've seen her when she gets anxious and agitated and it is not provoked by any incident or anything that she has been able to identify...it just starts taking her over, and she gets a racing heart, feels nausea, and gets agitated.  It happens suddenly and it happens frequently and it happens all sorts of places (in varying degrees).  It happens in the middle of the night at your house, it happens at school, it happened while she was on the gymnastics overnight trip.  It happened while she was getting ready to go to that dance with her friends...and she didn't know why, because she was looking forward to it and wasn't worried about anything."  

Well, he didnt reply to my response to him about the counseling "bill" so we'll see what happens.

 

 

 

 

RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 12:22 AM

When this happens again ask the school nurse to call your ex. That will let him know there is a problem. You can just explain to the nurse that your daughter's father is not understanding the situation so he needs to be informed via the school. Continue to support your daughter hopefully with counseling and the right meds things will get better. 


Quoting jrm99:

Thanks....he sent me an email about how he got a bill (but I don't think he really did, because her first visits are still supposed to be covered under my Employee Assistance Program) and I told him that they were supposed to be covered and could he please send it (haven't seen it yet...thought maybe he'd scan and send ).  I had to go get my daughter this morning from school because she was very anxious and agitated...here is what I included in the email: 

"And in case  you again are questioning whether she has a problem with anxiety, I had to pick her up at school again today (I am working from home and the nurse called me) and she  sent me a text that said  "Mom I feel awful.  Anxiety and agitated.  I have to go home. It's bad."   And she asked me to remind her when her next counseling appointment is.   She needs help and is trying to get that help from the counselor on how to cope.  I've seen her when she gets anxious and agitated and it is not provoked by any incident or anything that she has been able to identify...it just starts taking her over, and she gets a racing heart, feels nausea, and gets agitated.  It happens suddenly and it happens frequently and it happens all sorts of places (in varying degrees).  It happens in the middle of the night at your house, it happens at school, it happened while she was on the gymnastics overnight trip.  It happened while she was getting ready to go to that dance with her friends...and she didn't know why, because she was looking forward to it and wasn't worried about anything."  

Well, he didnt reply to my response to him about the counseling "bill" so we'll see what happens.

 

 

 




Akeso
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 1:16 PM

Advice to me has always been, keep your mouth shut. Not sure what that means in your case except you don't owe him a long detailed explanation. Also, I think you might be "diagnosing" when you say these attacks just come out of the blue. Maybe there is a trigger, and you don't know what that is. It's happening to your DD not you so don't think you should speculate in your emails to him. Maybe HE is the cause. If you say they happen at illogical times, you've just got him off the hook. In writing.

jrm99
by Member on Mar. 1, 2013 at 10:35 AM

Good point, Akeso....I do usually keep to just minimal facts in my emails but since he just wouldn't stop sending me emails, I just got tired of trying to make him understand she has a problem.  She did admit to me that he stresses her out....wish I had that specific statement from her in writing!  Only 4 more months now and she'll be 18 and he won't be able to hassle me as much.

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