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want to try to work it out with hubby but him not working is an issue

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:17 AM
  • 10 Replies

I haven't lived with my hubby for awhile due for one i wanted him to get counesling and to get a job. It didn't happen so I kicked him out. The condition was that he got a job and cousneling and stayed with them for awhile I may let him move back in. He HAS NOT applied for any work, looked at all when we where married. It IS NOT a matter of the economy or him not being able to work physically. I don't honestly see him getting a job still. But here is my thing for me I need to set a time frame for me on how long I should give it. How long should I give him to find work and YES i know he probably still won't find work , but again for me I feel I need a time limit and can't just decide on one. Also I have no clue on how to talk about this to him or even if I shoudl bring it up again. I really do love him and those have been the only two things I really have wanted out of our marriage all these years for him to do. Work and get help with counseling. He has been going to counseling for the last month and so far so good with that. 

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
soleikitty
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:19 AM

We have been together 13 years I would say and he hasn't worked for at least 10. waiting for the shit to fly lol. I guess I need ideas on how to do tough love for myself and stick with it. Again time limit is for me, not for him. I don't know how to approach him that I mean it but not in a nagging way

tottaxi
by Silver Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 8:56 AM

You love the IDEA, not the man.  You love what you WISHED would have been, not the lemon you are dealing with today.  Free yourself so that you can find real happiness.

Sj218
by Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:00 AM
You always have the best advise...


Quoting tottaxi:

You love the IDEA, not the man.  You love what you WISHED would have been, not the lemon you are dealing with today.  Free yourself so that you can find real happiness.


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Sj218
by Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:05 AM
I would see if you could have one joint counseling session. That way the therapist could mediate the conversation. I'm not sure what time limit you should set...you've been pretty darn patient already. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to walk away now. But if you want to give him more time, I understand that too.
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starfire59
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:48 AM

 Sounds like you have already passed the expiration date on this relationship. I agree that having a third party will help ease things. I believe if it's not about a job it will be about something else. Loving your husband is one thing but you need to step back and learn to love yourself and set higher expectations for those who are lucky enough to share your life. YOU are special and you need to be treated that way. I wish you all the luck in making a difficult decision.

steviechick
by Kay on Feb. 26, 2013 at 2:53 PM

I was married to someone very similar to this.  However, he did have a job but never any drive to get a decent paying job.   He wanted to stay mediocre for the rest of his life.  He was in his late 40's probably going through a mid-life crisis when he started to have an affair with a co-worker.  I even met this co-worker.  She's 16 yrs his junior.  They ended up having an affair.  I fought so hard to keep my marriage together.  It lasted 26 years.  The last three were a total sham due to the affair.  My ex never was able to get a hold of his finances.  Always in the hole, filed for two bankruptcies back-to-back.  He wrote countless bad checks and even embezzled money from me while he was having an affair.  He currently hasn't paid me nor my daughter cs and loans he agreed to from our divorce agreement.  It's been almost 8 months of nonpayment.  He's a sociopath, has split personality disorder, and anger mgt problems.  He certainly is not what I consider a 'prize' for anyone even for the homewrecker.  But, she chased after him.  She can clearly have him.  My expectations of my ex were high but they were certainly normal for any wife.  I deserved so much better in life.  I picked the wrong life partner.  My ex is a total jerk and always has been.  He can't even have a decent relationship with our soon to be 19 yr old daughter let alone me - someone he's known for nearly 29 years.  When its time to give up on a marriage it's time to give up.  You did your best.   

soleikitty
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:22 PM

Thanks for your words well we don't live toghether haven't since JUNE of last year i kicked him out due to this and yes really this is the only problems I think we have him not having a job and the counseling bit. Why one joint session i guess for what purpose? For the time limit you mean? Again this is really for me sticking with it following through thanks for all the kind words

soleikitty
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:24 PM

Thanks I do love myself awhile ago I wouldnlt even kicked him out. So its been baby steps for me I am not ready to give up yet without a time frame for myself with him already moved out. This hasn't been established yet and for me as a person I would feel better this way doing it this way. 

soleikitty
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 7:05 PM

LOL true tottaxi i just have a hard time letting go of people emotionally

soleikitty
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 3:23 AM

Thank you again I will think of a date and leave it to myself its better hes not informed

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