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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Let me just cancel everything...

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2013 at 7:26 PM
  • 8 Replies
My ex asked to switch weekends next weekend, which would end up with me having them the weekend of the 16th, which was supposed to be his. I have all day plans that weekend. I made them a few weeks back. I told him I couldn't switch as I had plans. He said he was planning to go see his older kids in TX. I told him he was dumb for planning an out of state trip on his weekend without asking me FIRST if I could switch. All he said was "fine Nevermind". Now I feel bad because his kids still talk to me and keep saying he never visits. I know he will either not show up to get them and I will have to cancel my plans or he will take them and leave them with his mom or sister all weekend while he's gone. Which I would feel really crappy about. Idk what to do. All the times I ask to switch or ask him to watch them for a day...he says no. Idk why I feel bad but I do.
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by on Mar. 2, 2013 at 7:26 PM
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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 7:42 PM
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He knows the schedule.  He knows he never accommodates you so your helping him out is iffy at best.  Has it occurred to you that he has done this so he doesn't have to see his older kids OR to get out of watching yours by either having you change your plans or him leaving them with his sister or mom?  He wins no matter what the outcome and you lose.  I think he is manipulating a situation...for what purpose I am sure I couldn't guess, but he's a grown man who either planned poorly or just didn't care what havoc it created.

I would tell him no.  That if he had worked with you when you had a need, you would have been more likely to work with him on this, but now you feel no motivation to change your plans.  Unless his sister or his mom are real douches, it may be better than having them spend the weekend with him anyway.

Don't feel bad about adhering to the schedule.  He knows it as well as you do and obviously has his own agenda.

Stephd710
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 7:48 PM
I guess I feel bad because the plans I have are for st pats weekend (which is a HUGE deal here). My friend is having an all day BBQ, we are going to the parade, its adults only. I was so excited to go and now I probably wont get to. I would feel like crap having his family watch them (they are nice) while I went to a party.


Quoting tottaxi:

He knows the schedule.  He knows he never accommodates you so your helping him out is iffy at best.  Has it occurred to you that he has done this so he doesn't have to see his older kids OR to get out of watching yours by either having you change your plans or him leaving them with his sister or mom?  He wins no matter what the outcome and you lose.  I think he is manipulating a situation...for what purpose I am sure I couldn't guess, but he's a grown man who either planned poorly or just didn't care what havoc it created.

I would tell him no.  That if he had worked with you when you had a need, you would have been more likely to work with him on this, but now you feel no motivation to change your plans.  Unless his sister or his mom are real douches, it may be better than having them spend the weekend with him anyway.

Don't feel bad about adhering to the schedule.  He knows it as well as you do and obviously has his own agenda.


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 8:48 PM
1 mom liked this

If his family is nice, they probably won't mind the kids spending time with them.  

Don't feel bad about doing something for yourself once in a while.  Don't change YOUR plans because your ex is a selfish ass.  Like I said before, he knows the schedule and sure as hell didn't consider you when he made his plans.  He thinks he can take you for granted and plays on your guilt.  F that.

The St. Patrick's Day plans sound great!!!!  With the drinking that goes on at the parade and afterwards in this area I can see why it is an adults only deal.  You made plans for this one because you knew you wouldn't have the kids that weekend.  For all you know your EX knew about your plans and is just jacking you around.

Let the kids go visit grandma and auntie and they will have a good time...no mom, no dad, just grandma!  That's my son's idea of a REALLY fun weekend!!!!

Stephd710
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 8:54 PM
I just talked to his daughter and hinted around trying to see if she knew of any plans for a visit. She doesn't. He's probably lying. Not surprising.


Quoting tottaxi:

If his family is nice, they probably won't mind the kids spending time with them.  

Don't feel bad about doing something for yourself once in a while.  Don't change YOUR plans because your ex is a selfish ass.  Like I said before, he knows the schedule and sure as hell didn't consider you when he made his plans.  He thinks he can take you for granted and plays on your guilt.  F that.

The St. Patrick's Day plans sound great!!!!  With the drinking that goes on at the parade and afterwards in this area I can see why it is an adults only deal.  You made plans for this one because you knew you wouldn't have the kids that weekend.  For all you know your EX knew about your plans and is just jacking you around.

Let the kids go visit grandma and auntie and they will have a good time...no mom, no dad, just grandma!  That's my son's idea of a REALLY fun weekend!!!!


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 9:51 PM
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There you go.  He's just trying to "rain on your parade".  He probably has his own St. Patrick's Day plans!!!  Do you still associate with people that he has contact with?  Could he know what your plans are?  This isn't even about me and it pisses me off!!!!  LOL! 

He will try to guilt you into feeling bad.  Don't buy into it.

I'm reading Dr. Phil's new book "Life Code".  It talks about people like your ex (and mine).  What is happening now is so typical of this type of person.  His behavior is pretty predicatable if you think about it.  He's probably effectively manipulated you in the past...convinced you that by not going along with him that you are a terrible mother.  They use this against us because they know that our children are EVERYTHING to us.  He'll try to shame you.  He'll tell you how selfish you are.  And the whole time he is just pushing buttons to hurt you...and "win".  

Talk to his mom and say that you are so happy that the kids are going to get to spend some time with her.  Let her know that if she needs you to just give her a call.  You ARE a good mom.  Having some fun once in a while doesn't make you a bad person, a bad mom, or a selfish one.  Your ex is a dick.

Stephd710
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 10:12 PM
His daughter did come out and say that ex had asked her mother for $200 to come there. She of course said he was nuts and not getting any money from her. So idk what is going on really. I don't think I'm going to cancel my plans. Yes, my ex is very much a narcissist. Always plays the victim, never takes responsibility for how things are.


Quoting tottaxi:

There you go.  He's just trying to "rain on your parade".  He probably has his own St. Patrick's Day plans!!!  Do you still associate with people that he has contact with?  Could he know what your plans are?  This isn't even about me and it pisses me off!!!!  LOL! 

He will try to guilt you into feeling bad.  Don't buy into it.

I'm reading Dr. Phil's new book "Life Code".  It talks about people like your ex (and mine).  What is happening now is so typical of this type of person.  His behavior is pretty predicatable if you think about it.  He's probably effectively manipulated you in the past...convinced you that by not going along with him that you are a terrible mother.  They use this against us because they know that our children are EVERYTHING to us.  He'll try to shame you.  He'll tell you how selfish you are.  And the whole time he is just pushing buttons to hurt you...and "win".  

Talk to his mom and say that you are so happy that the kids are going to get to spend some time with her.  Let her know that if she needs you to just give her a call.  You ARE a good mom.  Having some fun once in a while doesn't make you a bad person, a bad mom, or a selfish one.  Your ex is a dick.


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 10:16 PM

Probably asking the mother for money and if he got it still wouldn't show up and blame it on you.

Good for you not buying into his bs.  It's a heckuva lot easier to see through their manipulations when we don't have to deal with it on a daily basis.  My ex is now surprised when he realizes I am no longer under his spell.  And that makes me smile :)

steviechick
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:26 PM

My ex is a narcacist, too.  He never truly takes responsibility for his many devious and dispicable actions.  He's never even regretted what he's done to me and our daughter.

I agree with Taxi.  Your ex is just trying to manipulate the situtation.  Double on 'F-That'!  You deserve to take a break from your kids and have a life every now and then.  And, since the ex is being a DB yet again, ask the ex-IL's to watch the kids.  Sooner or later they will notice that the ex (their son) is being a DB too many times and get him involved with his kids.  I hope it's the latter.  My ex-IL's have cut off my ex since his affair.  They would bend over backwards to help me out anytime I needed help.  Salt of the earth.  Too bad their seed ended up being devious. 

Good luck to you!

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