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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Upcoming court.....

Posted by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 5:00 PM
  • 12 Replies

So I finally filed for child support for my 8 year old son and we Have court in a few weeks. Three weeks after I filed for support, his dad filed for custody. I'm having a hard time with this because, he rarely visits and doesn't make much of an attempt to see him. I know he will probably get him every other weekend. Is there any advice on how to get this to not happen?

When he does have our son, he yells at him constantly and pretty much ignores him or puts him off on others.

by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 5:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 5:37 PM

Once you filed for child support you opened this door.  

What type of custody has he filed for?  Sole?  Joint?

There is probably no way to prevent him from having standard visitation with DS.  Unless you have evidence (that will stand up in court) that he is unfit and could harm him, he will be given visitation including shared holidays, vacation time, etc..  And during his visitation time he will be able to "put him off on others" unless you ask for ROFR (right of first refusal).  Just remember that ROFR goes both ways...you would have to ask him to take DS before having DS be in someone else's care.  Make sure you understand the details of ROFR before requesting it.  It may not be something you want in the long run.

IMO, the main concern will be who will have the final say on major decisions.  This would require that you ask for Sole Custody or Joint with the stipulation that you have final say on major matters.  This would have to be included in your court order.  While you will probably become the custodial parent, you will still be required to reach compromises and agreements on matters of healthcare, education and religion.

RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 5:39 PM
You cannot control what he does. Focus on what you do. His filing may be a ploy to get you to agree to 50/50 custody so he will not have to pay CS. If anything state the custody papers were filed three weeks AFTER the CS hearing was set and there is no set date for that hearing. Hopefully you will get the support you need. I hope you request back support. Just keep records of when he does come to pick up child.
malibucj
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 5:42 PM

 I have an appointment with my attorney Thursday. But in my state or county, you file for custody but it does not specify sole or joint. I did counter his summons by filing my own.

My goal is to get sole custody and allow him visitations. The past 6 months, I have kept a planner documenting every visit, overnight stay, etc. In 6 months, my son has only spent the night with his father 4 times.


Quoting tottaxi:

Once you filed for child support you opened this door.  

What type of custody has he filed for?  Sole?  Joint?

There is probably no way to prevent him from having standard visitation with DS.  Unless you have evidence (that will stand up in court) that he is unfit and could harm him, he will be given visitation including shared holidays, vacation time, etc..  And during his visitation time he will be able to "put him off on others" unless you ask for ROFR (right of first refusal).  Just remember that ROFR goes both ways...you would have to ask him to take DS before having DS be in someone else's care.  Make sure you understand the details of ROFR before requesting it.  It may not be something you want in the long run.

IMO, the main concern will be who will have the final say on major decisions.  This would require that you ask for Sole Custody or Joint with the stipulation that you have final say on major matters.  This would have to be included in your court order.  While you will probably become the custodial parent, you will still be required to reach compromises and agreements on matters of healthcare, education and religion.


 

malibucj
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 5:44 PM
1 mom liked this

That's what I figure, is it is a ploy to get CS cut down or extinct. The thing is, they went ahead and set the custody hearing for the same time as the support hearing.  I am requesting back support and I have kept a detailed planner of the past 6 months. I write down every visit, overnight stay, anything negative, etc. 


Quoting RLSMOM59:

You cannot control what he does. Focus on what you do. His filing may be a ploy to get you to agree to 50/50 custody so he will not have to pay CS. If anything state the custody papers were filed three weeks AFTER the CS hearing was set and there is no set date for that hearing. Hopefully you will get the support you need. I hope you request back support. Just keep records of when he does come to pick up child.


 

tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 6:10 PM

When attempting to get sole custody you have to try to refrain from just pointing out his negatives.  You need to focus on the fact that you have been his primary caregiver AND...and this is important..that you are willing to facilitate a relationship between your son and his dad.  If you come across too negatively it could be perceived as you being vindictive.  The court won't like that.  They want it clear that it is not about anything other than what is in the best interests of the child.  And sometimes what WE feel to be in the child's best interest is not the court's definition.  They believe that two parents...even if one is a pos...is best and that is why your willingness to facilitate the relationship is very important.

malibucj
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 6:16 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree. I just meant I documented everything.
But his father fails to bathe him, give him his medication, etc.

I do want them to have a relationship, I just know his father is not allowing that to happen easily and in a healthy way.

And on that, I am the one who takes care him day to day. I'm the one who makes sure his well being is taken care of. I do every single thing for him. His dad sometimes sees him only 5 minutes a week.


Quoting tottaxi:

When attempting to get sole custody you have to try to refrain from just pointing out his negatives.  You need to focus on the fact that you have been his primary caregiver AND...and this is important..that you are willing to facilitate a relationship between your son and his dad.  If you come across too negatively it could be perceived as you being vindictive.  The court won't like that.  They want it clear that it is not about anything other than what is in the best interests of the child.  And sometimes what WE feel to be in the child's best interest is not the court's definition.  They believe that two parents...even if one is a pos...is best and that is why your willingness to facilitate the relationship is very important.


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 6:20 PM

That is what I mean by you have been primary caregiver.  List all that you do for your son....you have been the one to get him to the doctor when required, attend teacher conferences, make sure his shoes fit...the whole nine yards.  Put the emphasis on what you do more than what he doesn't do, kwim?

malibucj
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 6:23 PM
I understand what you are saying.

I sincerely like your honesty. So let me ask, with what have told you. How do you think it would look if I fought for sole physical custody with his dad having visitations?

I don't want to completely take him from his dad, but I could see him having him a lot being unhealthy in a lot of ways.


Quoting tottaxi:

That is what I mean by you have been primary caregiver.  List all that you do for your son....you have been the one to get him to the doctor when required, attend teacher conferences, make sure his shoes fit...the whole nine yards.  Put the emphasis on what you do more than what he doesn't do, kwim?


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 3, 2013 at 6:42 PM

I did ask for and receive sole custody, so I am speaking from my own experience and what I have learned in a year-long custody battle.  My main concern was having the decision making in my hands.  Ex and I could never agree on anything (thus the divorce).  I wasn't trying to prevent a relationship between them, but I didn't want to have to end up in court every time we could not reach a compromise.  Your case is probably different and maybe better because you have been, basically, his only parent for a long time.

malibucj
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 7:01 PM
Thank you for your replies!


Quoting tottaxi:

I did ask for and receive sole custody, so I am speaking from my own experience and what I have learned in a year-long custody battle.  My main concern was having the decision making in my hands.  Ex and I could never agree on anything (thus the divorce).  I wasn't trying to prevent a relationship between them, but I didn't want to have to end up in court every time we could not reach a compromise.  Your case is probably different and maybe better because you have been, basically, his only parent for a long time.


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