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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Hello new here

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:11 PM
  • 3 Replies
Hello I am new here. I am Timna. I just turned 31 and I have 3 kids. I have been married 3 yrs and been with my husband 12 yrs. I am not sure if I am in the right group. I have not been happy in my marriage for a long time and don't know if divorce is right for me. We have been to counseling twice, I have left way to many times to count but always come back. My husband is not a bad guy, he is a great dad, great provider for the family, I get to stay home with the kids. He is a little on the controlling side when it comes to money and friends though. If anyone can give me some advice I would appreciate it and please don't bash.
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by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:11 PM
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Akeso
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:56 PM

No bashing here hon. Why did you leave so many times? Is he abusive? Do you want to stay with him and maybe try and work it out, or are you trying to leave the marriage? How does he treat you, apart from the money and friends? Affectionate or distant?

trae1982
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:15 PM
Thank you! Well our story is a long drawn out one but we got together when we were young and partying all the time. We started going out together then all the sudden I wasn't allowed to go out unless it was with him and I was invited. He ran all my friends away and started becoming abusive. It was physical and mental. He went to jail once for it but I always took him back. Fast forward a little bit we stopped partying and moved away so my husband could go to school, we spent a yr in fl and a yr in Vegas for his school and job. The physical abuse stopped but he still was mentally abusive, name calling (he always says it is just a joke), not wanting me to have friends ect. I found out I was pregnant while In Vegas so we moved home to be closer to his family. Now I have 3 kids, had to basically force him to marry me and I am not happy. He barely helps with the kids, he controls the money, and friends. When I try to do things for me it is a big deal. Just going to the Dr is a pain, (like today he is off work and he is making me take our 7 month old to my grandmas). We aren't affectionate, can't tell you the last time we kissed or held hands. I use to come back because I wanted to make it work, now I dont know why I come back. I think I want a divorce.

Sorry I am on my phone and it is hard to type everything out.


Quoting Akeso:

No bashing here hon. Why did you leave so many times? Is he abusive? Do you want to stay with him and maybe try and work it out, or are you trying to leave the marriage? How does he treat you, apart from the money and friends? Affectionate or distant?


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:54 PM

You're definitely in the right group!

Isolation is part of the Abuser's handbook.  Remove your friends, your family, your support system so that you become totally under his control.  It sounds to me like his physical and emotional abuse have destroyed any positive feelings you have for him.  Trust...essential to a successful relationship...is gone.  Can you get any of that back?  Maybe, but doubtful.  Both of you must want it and he would need to release his hold on you.  Do you think he will do that?

Since he is meeting the financial responsibilities at this time, do what you need to to prepare for an independent life.  Find a job or get training for one.  Save some money.  Keep good documentation of all that happens in a journal, texts, whatever.  Keep very good receipts for household expenditures.  Don't sign anything long term.  Avoid buying a home with him.  In other words, cover your ass legally and financially.  When you are prepared to act on dissolving the marriage it won't be such a struggle and you will be able to stand on your own two feet, protect your children and yourself.

BUT...if he ever physically abuses you again, do what is necessary.  Press charges, get a restraining order, etc.  If you can start seeing an abuse counselor now it would be a good thing.  Have a bag packed for you and your kids so that you are prepared to escape.  Leave it where he won't find it or store it at a family member's home or with a friend.  

Good luck!

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