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20 years down the drain

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 4:59 PM
  • 14 Replies

http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/18166097/talk_about_blind_sided_update_4

that was my post

I'm Tricia. I have two teenagers. A boy, 17, and a girl, almost 16.

We live in Louisiana, and, long story short (full story is linked): my husband left us two days ago.

so i'm pretty new to this divorce thing.

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 4:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 8, 2013 at 6:55 PM
3 moms liked this

Just read your post.  I think you are really handling this well and acting totally appropriately for the situation.  I feel for you and your children.  Betrayal is a tough pill to swallow.

I've gotta say that I do disagree on one thing.  Don't just give him a pass on this and "not take a dime".  Don't make this easy on him in any way.  The CS...go for the max.  Make sure that he has to pay his portion of any continuing education for them.  It doesn't stop when they turn 18.  He owes them this.

You had a long marriage.  He should pay you maintenance.  Shit happens.  You don't know what Life will bring.  Even if you just sock the money away for a rainy day, take what you have due you.  Retirement years come sooner than one can imagine.  Why short-change your own future because of his poor judgement?  At this point you just want to wash your hands of him.  I totally get that.  But don't "cut off your nose to spite your face". 

I'm glad you have chosen not to respond to his mistress.  Nothing can come of it.

Now comes the part where you must keep all communication limited to text or email so that you have documentation.  Keep it brief and unemotional.  This is the Business of Divorce from here on out.

BTW...you are a wonderful writer.  Your post was very clear and understandable and I felt like I was right there with you.  Just my two-cents worth :)

Cenedra64
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:33 PM
Im really sorry hon. Men stink! Im going thru it too raising two teens alone
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alli1204
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:40 PM
Omg! I'm so sorry. You're handling this with such class. Good for you. Your kids should be proud of you!
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le.sigh.333
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:58 PM


I don't want his money. I'm going for the max in child support but nothing more. I own my own business and am successful in what I do. All my accounts' passwords have been changed. Our joint account, however, had half the money gone when I checked it the night he left.

And we both signed prenups, although infedelity does void them.

I was thinking strongly on alimony. but the fact that there is another child involved is the only thing stopping me. I don't want an innocent child to suffer more than they have to.

Yes, my children come first, but I do not, which is why I decided against it.


Quoting tottaxi:

Just read your post.  I think you are really handling this well and acting totally appropriately for the situation.  I feel for you and your children.  Betrayal is a tough pill to swallow.

I've gotta say that I do disagree on one thing.  Don't just give him a pass on this and "not take a dime".  Don't make this easy on him in any way.  The CS...go for the max.  Make sure that he has to pay his portion of any continuing education for them.  It doesn't stop when they turn 18.  He owes them this.

You had a long marriage.  He should pay you maintenance.  Shit happens.  You don't know what Life will bring.  Even if you just sock the money away for a rainy day, take what you have due you.  Retirement years come sooner than one can imagine.  Why short-change your own future because of his poor judgement?  At this point you just want to wash your hands of him.  I totally get that.  But don't "cut off your nose to spite your face". 

I'm glad you have chosen not to respond to his mistress.  Nothing can come of it.

Now comes the part where you must keep all communication limited to text or email so that you have documentation.  Keep it brief and unemotional.  This is the Business of Divorce from here on out.

BTW...you are a wonderful writer.  Your post was very clear and understandable and I felt like I was right there with you.  Just my two-cents worth :)



le.sigh.333
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:59 PM


thank you.

My oldest will be a senior next year and my youngest a sophomore.

Quoting alli1204:

Omg! I'm so sorry. You're handling this with such class. Good for you. Your kids should be proud of you!



tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 8, 2013 at 8:21 PM

Give yourself some time to process what has happened before you take alimony off the table.  I'm all for taking the high road, but don't take one so high you get a nose bleed ;)

The money he took from your joint account, the money he has been syphoning off to support his mistress and their child...all that has taken away from YOUR children, YOUR life. 

You also need to be prepared for things to turn ugly.  He's done the whole avoidance thing thusfar and left you with the dirty work, but when he stops to think about this things may change.   I'm more than a little cynical just having gone through a three year divorce.  What I thought would be a fairly cut and dried process became anything but.  Your stbx has created this situation.  You are already having to pay the price...attorneys and court costs aren't cheap and yet this has been dumped in your lap.  If he/they stay in Iowa you're going to be paying travel expenses for your kids' visits.  And those are just a couple examples off the top of my head.

I am just cautioning you not to make any knee-jerk decisions at this highly emotional time.  You are in shock.  Don't make any decision (especially not in writing to him) that you may later regret.  And don't give his gf and their child a moment's thought.  He's probably paid plenty ...her pregnancy and delivery for example...out of marital assets.  You don't owe her jack.

le.sigh.333
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 8:27 PM

my children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to see him. my son has a job and if he chooses to see him, he's already said he'd pay for that.

I honestly don't want his money. I don't want anything of his in my life anymore, except the children he gave me. Everything else, as far as I'm concerned, is tainted.

That's just me, though.


Quoting tottaxi:

Give yourself some time to process what has happened before you take alimony off the table.  I'm all for taking the high road, but don't take one so high you get a nose bleed ;)

The money he took from your joint account, the money he has been syphoning off to support his mistress and their child...all that has taken away from YOUR children, YOUR life. 

You also need to be prepared for things to turn ugly.  He's done the whole avoidance thing thusfar and left you with the dirty work, but when he stops to think about this things may change.   I'm more than a little cynical just having gone through a three year divorce.  What I thought would be a fairly cut and dried process became anything but.  Your stbx has created this situation.  You are already having to pay the price...attorneys and court costs aren't cheap and yet this has been dumped in your lap.  If he/they stay in Iowa you're going to be paying travel expenses for your kids' visits.  And those are just a couple examples off the top of my head.

I am just cautioning you not to make any knee-jerk decisions at this highly emotional time.  You are in shock.  Don't make any decision (especially not in writing to him) that you may later regret.  And don't give his gf and their child a moment's thought.  He's probably paid plenty ...her pregnancy and delivery for example...out of marital assets.  You don't owe her jack.



dawncs
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:51 PM

There is something you need to add into the child support agreement regarding the kids. You need to have child support continue until the kids graduate with their bachelor's degree from college. The other thing is to make sure he has to pay half of their college tuition, room and board, textbooks, and college expenses. There is no way that you should be solely responsible for it, and it is not fair to your kids to take out student loans because Dad did not pay for college to make up the difference in what they get in financial aid. Both incomes have to be reported when completing the FAFSA form (both yours and his even when separated or divorced).

Dawn


Group owner of Different Learners Support Group (http://www.cafemom.com/group/118648)

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 3:50 AM
1 mom liked this

Just read your story on the other post. Cowards. I got one too. He also up and left, note and all, while we were away, just took his personal belongings and apologized for being cruel to me. That was 2 years ago and I still find it hard. DD is young and sees him once a week, i see him when he comes to pick her up but I think what you did was correct except, do not make any decisions now, when everything is still raw, you are reeling from this and in shock, etc. You don't have to move at lightning speed although I understand you just want to be rid of evrything to do with him. I also "excised" the house of his stuff after he left. But listen to tottaxi and others, there is a lot of repercussions so just hold your horses to see what they are. See what your kids' needs are, and yours for that matter. Your business is fine now, but things can change. Be cautious and conservative. Go for more than you need. You don't want to be struggling later on.

le.sigh.333
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:17 AM

they both have well established college funds. at least 50 grand in each.

we're all pretty well to do. my son also has numerous scholarships, and is eligible for a full ride scholarship if he does well with football next year

my daughter wants to join the Navy


Quoting dawncs:

There is something you need to add into the child support agreement regarding the kids. You need to have child support continue until the kids graduate with their bachelor's degree from college. The other thing is to make sure he has to pay half of their college tuition, room and board, textbooks, and college expenses. There is no way that you should be solely responsible for it, and it is not fair to your kids to take out student loans because Dad did not pay for college to make up the difference in what they get in financial aid. Both incomes have to be reported when completing the FAFSA form (both yours and his even when separated or divorced).



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