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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Dating w/kids?

Posted by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:47 AM
  • 10 Replies
I've talked to a few guys over the past month and a half. Once they realize that I have my son with me almost all the time, the quit talking to me. I realize that I'm only free on Wed nights and every other weekend (if exh actually comes through) and that's not much time. But I'm not going to expose my kid to a string of men just because I want to date. WTH? I'm worth the effort and my kid is worth the wait.
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by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:47 AM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 8:29 AM

You are a package deal.  If a guy can't deal with that it is good that they are honest enough to not become involved from the beginning.

I think we can't expose our children to "dates".  When someone has proved themselves worthy and are committed to us, only then can we involve our children. 

Maybe if you meet a guy who is dealing with the revolving door of visitation himself you will get more understanding.  A single guy with no kids to "tie him down" just isn't going to understand that your child has to be your priority.

Sj218
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 5:37 PM
What's crazy is that three guys have pulled this. All three are divorced fathers, mid 30s to early 40s. But none of them have primary custody. They have the same visitation ached as me ex. So they only have their kids about 20% of the time. I have my son about 90%, I'm just surprised that these guys who say how much they'd ss their kids and who claim to put family first, are so put off by the fact that I ACTUALLY do the same. No, the first, second, third time we go out, he is not going to meet my kid. What ever happened to take it slow and build a friendship first?

Just frustrated, and feeling a little rejected.


Quoting tottaxi:

You are a package deal.  If a guy can't deal with that it is good that they are honest enough to not become involved from the beginning.


I think we can't expose our children to "dates".  When someone has proved themselves worthy and are committed to us, only then can we involve our children. 


Maybe if you meet a guy who is dealing with the revolving door of visitation himself you will get more understanding.  A single guy with no kids to "tie him down" just isn't going to understand that your child has to be your priority.


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tottaxi
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 6:51 PM

You know, I think this probably tells you alot about why THEIR divorce occured.  They probably resented the time and attention the children took from their wives that THEY wanted.  This happens a lot, IMO.  Men want to be the center of their wives attention.  They don't want life to change just because a child enters the picture.

It just doesn't work that way.  Kids have to come first.  Of course the relationship is important, but children have needs that require immediate attention and most of us assume (there's that word) that these men are adults and realize that life will never be the same again.  If they don't want children (except to prove their own virility) why not get a vasectomy so that can remain front and center in their wife or girlfriend's life?

That's my theory :)

You are lucky that they don't pretend to be great fathers...at least not to the point where they are trying to make you believe that they would be a great father to YOUR child.  I'm sure they tell you what a bitch their ex wife is and how they were super dads and do so much and miss their children soooo much.  Yeah.  Right.

I'm a bit cynical, but I'm so tired of most men and their public image being a far cry from who they really are.

sarahjoy
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 11:30 PM

I went on a few dates with one guy... and he wanted to meet my kids right away... that was a red flag right there... then even wanted to buy them bday gifts and such... and hardly knew me.  He seemed to always try to "buy" me. 

The guy im with now for a year now has only been around my kids 3 times or so.  Once for dinner at my house, once at the bowling alley with one of his boys and another time when I took him to get his car.  Thats it.  Its nice bc I see how he reacts to them but not too much just yet.  Ive seen his sons just a few times as well.  Its been a nice balance.  

bjane01
by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:20 AM
I agree with you! Your doing the right thing. Wait for the guy that will respect you!!
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StormWitch
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:27 AM
It does get frustrating. Met one guy and as soon as he found out I had a kid he started acting like I NEEDED a man to take care of me. The next one wanted to know if I could leave my son with my ex more and the last one was looking for a ready made family. I'm staying single for now. I would like to meet someone, when the time is right.
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AustinRonMommy
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:14 PM

When I met the guys I dated before meeting my SO, one of the first things I always said was, "I have 2 children and they live with me, does this bother you?" I only dated 2 guys before my SO, they met my kids, but only once or twice and only in group settings as a friend of mine. Until my SO my kids never even saw me kiss anyone else. Now we live together. But, like I said I always made it upfront that I had my kids and that they live with me. That way if they had a problem with it I would know right away. It was hard for me, especially if he seemed like a nice guy and as soon as I said kids he freaked...so try that out. Right after it gets to the point where you think it could be something more than friends tell the guy flat out, I have a son and he's with me all the time. See what he says then, if he's worth your time he will be ok with waiting.

shawnalmil
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:26 PM

i had this issue too, one guy told me that he didnt want to hear about my child that it was to be a whole separate life  he wouldnt go to family things or spend the night or stuff like that he was a no go, 
another one i would mention her but he always forgot about her like the fact that i couldnt just pick up and go or that i always didnt have money because she was more important
others just wanted sex ( not happening)

eventually after a while i found someone who accepted her but i will tell you I NEVER WENT AND LOOKED FOR A MAN TO BE A DADDY TO HER some woman do and it ashame  

shawnalmil
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:29 PM

i also forgot to mention that one guy who i got along great with,he knew i had a child but had none of his own nor had he ever dated someone which a child .... waited until about 6 weeks into say that he couldnt commit fully to me because of my child i was more pissed than hurt because he knew i had her from the getgo 


plprincess78
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I've dated a few and have been seeing the same guy now for about 8 months.  We don't get a lot of time together and he hasn't met my kids yet.  I've just agreed though to start letting him come over in the evening after the kids go to bed.  Any good guy will work around the kids.

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