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Seperations/divorce how did you do it?

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 9:33 PM
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Dh and I have been Married for 13 years. We have 3 children 6,8,9 1/2. Our marriage has always been rocky. We got married at 18 and started having kids at 21. Like most marriages There is alot of Good. We really do love eachother. I know I love him and I love the family we have created together. Here is my problem. He is very critical and has been since we first got married. He used to be very controlling, He grew up in a home where his dad was controlling and verbally abusive to his mom. His control issues have gotten better mostly because I do not let him dictate everything I do. He still is critical and hurtful though. He criticizes everything I do.  If I don't refill the soap containers by the sink he gets mad and says "oh my wife forgot to fill the soap containers by the sink again... I don't know why you always forget that! It's not hard to get the soap and refill the container" I will usually respond with "Well if it's not that hard then why dont you save your breath and just do it" Or If I put a load of laundry in the washer and It's still in there an hour later He says " what are you going to leave the laundry in the washer all day so they start to smell and you have to wash them again! What a waste you are so lazy!" If he walks in the kitchen after the kids have eaten and I'm cleaning up but haven't swept yet he will  say " Oh gee thanks now I have to change my socks again because I just walked through  your nasty kitchen." These are just a few examples. It's everything. He never has a compliment for me. He also calls me names. You name it he has called me it! He does all of this wether the kids are there or not! I have had enough! I don't feel like I let him walk all over me because I do stand up for myself. I tell him he is wrong for saying what he says. I do not jump on his command. Also If I don't agree with him and try to share my opinion on something he gets mad and gets offended like I'm saying he is wrong. I am just so tired of it. We talk about seperating so often. He will not go to marriage counseling with me. He says talking to a stranger won't change anything. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I have even said to him . "What if your daughters husband was talking to her that way, would you like it?" He says "If she is acting like you then I guess she'd deserve it" He is a good dad! He loves his kids So I don't know if he means it or if he just says it to make me more mad.

Either way on to my question. Sometimes I feel like seperating is the only option. not permently but maybe for a while to see if things can change. My oldest dd always says she is scared we will get divorced because we fight so much. It makes me sick to think of doing it to the kids but It also makes me sick to think I am raising kids who may find the an acceptable relationship. MY worry ishow do you make it on your own?? I looked it up and If we divorced He would only have to pay about 800 dollars in child support. I could get a job substituting and make about 900 a month at most.  As I see it I have a couple of options. Ideally He would move out and I could stay in our house, with the kids, which  costs about 1000 a month for mortgage, insurance, water, gas, electric, and my phone. plus the kids could stay in their home! If we did that he would probably move though away back to where he is from because he hates where we live. So we would not be able to work on anything and the kids would miss their dad! If I moved. we would have to move to a smaller home go from 5 bedrooms and 2000 sq ft. to 3 bedrooms and about 1200 sq ft for about 950 a month plus all the utilitiles which could be about $200-$300. Plus I have a car payment that is over 500. I just don't know how to go about any of it. I know this got really really LONG! If you made it this far thanks!

If you have been through this advice would be great. I do live near my parents and would consider moving in with them but Hate to be a burden. If We seperate I really want to stand on my own 2 feet , ya know. If it makes a difference we live in GA. TIA

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 9:33 PM
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tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Apr. 4, 2013 at 4:11 PM

He is abusing you emotionally.  He is NOT right to treat you that way.  The two of you are your children's role models for what a marriage is supposed to look like. 

It is not easy to make it financially.  The house...do you have any equity in it?  The house could be sold and the equity split between you.  You've been married long enough that you may be entitled to maintenance.  You DO need to go to work NOW.  Even if you do not separate, you have to start earning some $$.  Keep it in a separate account.  It is still marital, so be sure that you keep some of it out of reach...a safety deposit box or with a trusted family member.  Get rid of the car that is so costly and find something more practical that you can afford.

Your lifestyle will change.  I, personally, would not want to be held hostage to a bad relationship because of that.  I want to be respected and treated properly far more than I want a nice car.

I suggest that you start stockpiling money however you can.  Go see and retain an attorney and get their advice on how to protect yourself and your children.  Study the divorce and custody laws of Georgia.  KNOW YOUR RIGHTS.  When you have prepared properly, tell your attorney to file.  Until then do NOT discuss divorce or even separation.  Keep your cards close to your vest.  Don't put any hints out there that will et him know your intentions.

You've done your reseach on cost of living.  Figure out what you can do NOW to prepare for the future.  Start selling stuff if you can.  Do all of the things you need to do to prepare...like if you will not have your own insurance for healthcare/dentistry/eyecare...go get those things attended to while you are still on his policy. 

As you get into the process we can be of more help, so don't be afraid to ask!!!

OH...and welcome :)

An afterthought...does he have a retirement plan?  Half of anything contributed to that during the marriage would be yours, too.

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