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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

Let It Be

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Kay
  • 12 Replies

Forgive the person and their actions, never give in to hate, let it go, set it free, and karma will take care of what is meant to be.

SO very true!  Karma is already going on with the ex........just like I knew it would.

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MegAbMama
by New Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 12:50 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with what you are saying, though forgiveness is not where I'm at yet (on the inside).  Outwardly I'm not giving in to hate, vindication, revenge, etc.   I do believe in Karma & 'what goes around, comes around' , and I don't want to be hateful and bitter because I don't want that to be how my daughters see me, I want them to see a survivor side of me.  I want them to look back on still good times instead of saying: "remember how mad you were".

steviechick
by Kay on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:13 PM

 


Quoting MegAbMama:

I agree with what you are saying, though forgiveness is not where I'm at yet (on the inside).  Outwardly I'm not giving in to hate, vindication, revenge, etc.   I do believe in Karma & 'what goes around, comes around' , and I don't want to be hateful and bitter because I don't want that to be how my daughters see me, I want them to see a survivor side of me.  I want them to look back on still good times instead of saying: "remember how mad you were".


Hugs, mama!  I'm in the first phases of getting money from the ex.  Already went through court (on Monday) and WON my case!  My ex has three different payments to make as means of restitution to me and my daughter.  He has to pay me back for three different loans and support our daughter while she attends college.  The judge gave my ex up to six months to get things going.  Within the fifth month I am to notify my atty of my ex's progress (or lack thereof).  IF he is in short payment mode I am to notify my atty and then proceed with a third contempt of court charge.  The judge will then rule to garner the ex's wages.  She will have given him enough time to get his act together.  In the meantime, my daughter and I will have to check our banking accounts each month and report to each other.  I've done everything I can to maintain some kind of calmness whenever I speak or relate to the ex in front of my daughter or anyone else I know.  It only gives me unhealthy reactions and all it does is hurt ME and not HIM.  So far, my daughter has seen a surviror and someone very willing to do the right thing.  She also sees a father that has continued to be a total failure and disappointment to her.   Once the second phase of actually getting money happens and my daughter and I are both on a path to forgetting about bad times, we still have the hard times ahead of us.  I just wish we both didn't have to continue dealing with ex and his problems.  Karma is going to set in with my ex sooner or later.  He has three kids with the new wife - two with her.  My ex certainly can't afford these kids and pay what he owes me and my daughter.  His problem to deal with.  He's been a deadbeat for many years.  I have forgiven my ex for cheating on me and everything else he's done to me and my daughter.  Once the money is completely paid back I hope I never have to deal with the ex again.  However, he will always be a father to my child.  It's up to him to be a father or simply walk out on her.  His choice to make.

bjane01
by Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 3:33 PM
I am trying to. But it seems like when I do start to let go of my anger, the ex tries to use it to get back together with me. It's like if we start to be pleasant with each other, he turns on the water works and makes me feel guilty and sad again. It really messes me up for a while and it takes alot of mental work on my part to get back on track.

My ex called me the other day and said he had something big to tell me and asked me not to freak out. First thing that came to mind was I hope he has a girlfriend. I was chanting it in my head. But he just told me his mom was sick.

I feel like I could forgive but I feel too vunerable if I do. I have fallen for my ex over and over cause he is so dam charming. But he is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

How do you try to move on from that?
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tottaxi
by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:28 PM

 


Quoting bjane01:

I am trying to. But it seems like when I do start to let go of my anger, the ex tries to use it to get back together with me. It's like if we start to be pleasant with each other, he turns on the water works and makes me feel guilty and sad again. It really messes me up for a while and it takes alot of mental work on my part to get back on track.

My ex called me the other day and said he had something big to tell me and asked me not to freak out. First thing that came to mind was I hope he has a girlfriend. I was chanting it in my head. But he just told me his mom was sick.

I feel like I could forgive but I feel too vunerable if I do. I have fallen for my ex over and over cause he is so dam charming. But he is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

How do you try to move on from that?

You're not at the point where you should be even considering forgiveness, bjane.  You ARE still too vulnerable.  I think that you need to work through this in a step by step way.  You still feel weak and he plays (or preys) upon that weakness.  When you feel strong again only THEN you can consider forgiveness.  And you don't EVER have to let him know that you have forgiven him.  That is for you to know in your heart.  The day will come when he no longer has any power over you.  The day that you can laugh at his manipulations is the day you will know you are strong enough to consider forgiving him.

Steviechick has gained strength in this process and lots of that strength came through the anger she felt by her ex shitting on her and her daughter.  She's moving towards forgiveness, but that doesn't mean she has given up the fight to see that he pays her what he owes her and her child.  Her ex isn't trying to suck her back into his life.  It's easier to forgive someone who isn't playing with your emotions.

Forgiveness is a goal.  It isn't something that is going to happen today or even five years from now.  I DO believe in Karma and that all of our exes will reap what they have sown...it may happen today or maybe in the next life.  I hope we all get to see it, but that is probably not gonna happen.

Right now I am working on forgiving ME for having hooked up with this pos in the first place.  For the ways I allowed him to manipulate and take advantage of me.  Forgiving him?  Maybe later.  Right now I have my hands full trying to wash his stench off my life.

 

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 3:30 AM
1 mom liked this

"My ex called me the other day and said he had something big to tell me and asked me not to freak out. First thing that came to mind was I hope he has a girlfriend. I was chanting it in my head. But he just told me his mom was sick."

Bjane, that is psychological abuse. Something big to tell you and not to freak out? Why on earth would you freak out because his mother is sick? The object of that cruel mind-game is to get you into a state of COMPLETELY NEEDLESS distress, worry, agitation and guessing, until HE chooses the moment (dragging it out as long as possible - keeping you in that terrible, heightened state of stress) to give you relief. That is one of my STBX's specialties, but he usually does it because he enjoys seeing the look of fear and disbelief on my face. They actually get off on it, just like his mother did. It makes them feel powerful I guess, knowing they have the power to always keep you guessing. They are cowards, picking on unsuspecting, loving people. Don't fall for it. Ignore it. If he pulls that again just say "tell me now or don't bother" or something. They ramp it up when they think they are losing. I feel I have to contend with this kind of crap for the rest of my life. Not a happy prospect to be tied to a psycho. You need to see him for what he is, and disengage as much as possible, having as little contact as possible. They are predators "playing" with their prey. Don't be his prey. Look at ways to protect yourself and your sanity.

steviechick
by Kay on Apr. 22, 2013 at 10:42 AM

 

 

Quoting tottaxi:

 

 

Quoting bjane01:

I am trying to. But it seems like when I do start to let go of my anger, the ex tries to use it to get back together with me. It's like if we start to be pleasant with each other, he turns on the water works and makes me feel guilty and sad again. It really messes me up for a while and it takes alot of mental work on my part to get back on track.

My ex called me the other day and said he had something big to tell me and asked me not to freak out. First thing that came to mind was I hope he has a girlfriend. I was chanting it in my head. But he just told me his mom was sick.

I feel like I could forgive but I feel too vunerable if I do. I have fallen for my ex over and over cause he is so dam charming. But he is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

How do you try to move on from that?

You're not at the point where you should be even considering forgiveness, bjane.  You ARE still too vulnerable.  I think that you need to work through this in a step by step way.  You still feel weak and he plays (or preys) upon that weakness.  When you feel strong again only THEN you can consider forgiveness.  And you don't EVER have to let him know that you have forgiven him.  That is for you to know in your heart.  The day will come when he no longer has any power over you.  The day that you can laugh at his manipulations is the day you will know you are strong enough to consider forgiving him.

Steviechick has gained strength in this process and lots of that strength came through the anger she felt by her ex shitting on her and her daughter.  She's moving towards forgiveness, but that doesn't mean she has given up the fight to see that he pays her what he owes her and her child.  Her ex isn't trying to suck her back into his life.  It's easier to forgive someone who isn't playing with your emotions.

Forgiveness is a goal.  It isn't something that is going to happen today or even five years from now.  I DO believe in Karma and that all of our exes will reap what they have sown...it may happen today or maybe in the next life.  I hope we all get to see it, but that is probably not gonna happen.

Right now I am working on forgiving ME for having hooked up with this pos in the first place.  For the ways I allowed him to manipulate and take advantage of me.  Forgiving him?  Maybe later.  Right now I have my hands full trying to wash his stench off my life.

 

Tottaxi is absolutely right.  When you can no longer ALLOW your ex to control YOUR emotions is when you will be able to ultimately pass that first hurdle of moving on to forgiveness.  I've gone through that first step already and it's taken me 2 years.  I don't get angry when I think of him and I barely think of him anymore. Unfortunately, I'm in the process of finally getting my court hearing over and pressing for financial compliance.  That I know was the premise of my divorce.  Years of battling my ex over money.  It is his achilles heel in life.  

I also agree with Tottaxi on Karma.  Today is my ex's first day of compliance to the court order for first payment back of the embezzlement money.   Right now he has less 7 hours to reimburse me or he goes to jail.  Jail term is 30 days.  IF my ex refuses to comply with the first court order he will end up losing a lot - perhaps his job and put a dent in his personal life.  I don't know of any wife that wants to see her husband behind bars for noncompliance of a court order.  Karma is already playing a huge roll in my ex's life. 

I, like tottaxi, am in the process of forgiving myself for allowing my POS ex to manipulate our marriage the way he did and for 26 years.  I allowed him to mentally hurt me for many years.  I don't allow it anymore.  Yes, we are no longer together but that doesn't mean I allow anger (from him) to come back into my life.  I have accepted the fact that my ex is a scumbag and probably always will be.  He's proven this to our own daughter.  No father should show his own child that he not only cares a rip of his own wife by degrading her with another woman for three years but also shows his own child how utterly worthless of a 'man' he truly is.  Without respect and decency from a father you truly have nothing else left to offer your own child.

Just remember this - try not to allow your ex to manipulate your heart and mind.  That is the first step in healing from a bad marriage.  

RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 12:30 PM

StevieChick

I don't understand why the judge did not garnish his wages right up front. My ex played the i will pay when I feel like it and the judge issued a wage garnishment document and included as part of the divorce papers. If i were you, and I had not received the first payment by the end of the second month, he would be going back to court. The 6 months is too long to string you and you daughter along. Just my thoughts though.


Quoting steviechick:



Quoting MegAbMama:

I agree with what you are saying, though forgiveness is not where I'm at yet (on the inside).  Outwardly I'm not giving in to hate, vindication, revenge, etc.   I do believe in Karma & 'what goes around, comes around' , and I don't want to be hateful and bitter because I don't want that to be how my daughters see me, I want them to see a survivor side of me.  I want them to look back on still good times instead of saying: "remember how mad you were".


Hugs, mama!  I'm in the first phases of getting money from the ex.  Already went through court (on Monday) and WON my case!  My ex has three different payments to make as means of restitution to me and my daughter.  He has to pay me back for three different loans and support our daughter while she attends college.  The judge gave my ex up to six months to get things going.  Within the fifth month I am to notify my atty of my ex's progress (or lack thereof).  IF he is in short payment mode I am to notify my atty and then proceed with a third contempt of court charge.  The judge will then rule to garner the ex's wages.  She will have given him enough time to get his act together.  In the meantime, my daughter and I will have to check our banking accounts each month and report to each other.  I've done everything I can to maintain some kind of calmness whenever I speak or relate to the ex in front of my daughter or anyone else I know.  It only gives me unhealthy reactions and all it does is hurt ME and not HIM.  So far, my daughter has seen a surviror and someone very willing to do the right thing.  She also sees a father that has continued to be a total failure and disappointment to her.   Once the second phase of actually getting money happens and my daughter and I are both on a path to forgetting about bad times, we still have the hard times ahead of us.  I just wish we both didn't have to continue dealing with ex and his problems.  Karma is going to set in with my ex sooner or later.  He has three kids with the new wife - two with her.  My ex certainly can't afford these kids and pay what he owes me and my daughter.  His problem to deal with.  He's been a deadbeat for many years.  I have forgiven my ex for cheating on me and everything else he's done to me and my daughter.  Once the money is completely paid back I hope I never have to deal with the ex again.  However, he will always be a father to my child.  It's up to him to be a father or simply walk out on her.  His choice to make.



steviechick
by Kay on Apr. 22, 2013 at 1:39 PM

My atty tried to push the garnishments during the hearing, but the judge said this wasn't a 'normal' child support case and she had no other recourse but to give my ex the chance to make payments - even though he was behind 9 months and made no attempt to make payments.  This isn't a regular child support case.  My ex owes me for personal loans and for financial support for our daughter while she attends college.  If our daughter was a minor I would have received garnishments.  My atty said that we had up to six months to watch the payments (more than likely lack of) before we could push for another hearing and another contempt of court charge.  By the fifth month if my ex was slow paying us or wasn't paying us at all, we will have enough time to get that 2nd charge filed before the holidays set in.  Once October gets here if you don't have a hearing by November 1st you have to wait until Feb/March (like me) to even be heard because there is always a backlog of cases.  So, I'm going to monitor the payments and let my atty know by Sept what's going on so we can get a court case by October.  I'd prefer to get something done in two months time but my atty said that this wasn't a normal cs case.  He also said that it was best to give the ex some time and be so late that the payments I do get will be substantial.  Also, my ex has 90 days to pay me for atty's fees from the date of the first hearing.  I won't be using the money received from the ex to use towards the atty's fees.  It will be held separately.  Which means more than likely another jail sentence (after this one) sometime in August.  The more time my ex goes behind bars the worse off it is for him.  The worse it looks for his 'defense' come October.  By that time, he will have owed me more then before and I'll get an even bigger garnishment which is 25% of his income.  Also, my ex is putting himself into a bigger hole with his employer.  The more time he spends in jail the less he gets promoted at work and is able to get a part-time job to supplement the income he's going to lose eventually. 

As you can see, it all plays out against him if he continues to be a stubborn fool.   I'll just have to be patient and wait it out.  I know it doesn't sound fair but my case is different than regular child support cases. 

Quoting RLSMOM59:

StevieChick

I don't understand why the judge did not garnish his wages right up front. My ex played the i will pay when I feel like it and the judge issued a wage garnishment document and included as part of the divorce papers. If i were you, and I had not received the first payment by the end of the second month, he would be going back to court. The 6 months is too long to string you and you daughter along. Just my thoughts though.

 

Quoting steviechick:

 

 

Quoting MegAbMama:

I agree with what you are saying, though forgiveness is not where I'm at yet (on the inside).  Outwardly I'm not giving in to hate, vindication, revenge, etc.   I do believe in Karma & 'what goes around, comes around' , and I don't want to be hateful and bitter because I don't want that to be how my daughters see me, I want them to see a survivor side of me.  I want them to look back on still good times instead of saying: "remember how mad you were".

 

Hugs, mama!  I'm in the first phases of getting money from the ex.  Already went through court (on Monday) and WON my case!  My ex has three different payments to make as means of restitution to me and my daughter.  He has to pay me back for three different loans and support our daughter while she attends college.  The judge gave my ex up to six months to get things going.  Within the fifth month I am to notify my atty of my ex's progress (or lack thereof).  IF he is in short payment mode I am to notify my atty and then proceed with a third contempt of court charge.  The judge will then rule to garner the ex's wages.  She will have given him enough time to get his act together.  In the meantime, my daughter and I will have to check our banking accounts each month and report to each other.  I've done everything I can to maintain some kind of calmness whenever I speak or relate to the ex in front of my daughter or anyone else I know.  It only gives me unhealthy reactions and all it does is hurt ME and not HIM.  So far, my daughter has seen a surviror and someone very willing to do the right thing.  She also sees a father that has continued to be a total failure and disappointment to her.   Once the second phase of actually getting money happens and my daughter and I are both on a path to forgetting about bad times, we still have the hard times ahead of us.  I just wish we both didn't have to continue dealing with ex and his problems.  Karma is going to set in with my ex sooner or later.  He has three kids with the new wife - two with her.  My ex certainly can't afford these kids and pay what he owes me and my daughter.  His problem to deal with.  He's been a deadbeat for many years.  I have forgiven my ex for cheating on me and everything else he's done to me and my daughter.  Once the money is completely paid back I hope I never have to deal with the ex again.  However, he will always be a father to my child.  It's up to him to be a father or simply walk out on her.  His choice to make.

 

 


 

RLSMOM59
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 10:01 AM
What I see wrong with this picture is the more you want the more he owes. If he sits in jail, you get nothing (what you are getting now). It doesn't look good for him not to pay "bills" but who is he causing harm too, you, your daughter, or him? At least with a wage garnishment, you would get something. When my ex stated he stop paying because I wasn't doing what he wanted with the money, the judge looked shocked (ex was over a hear behind). When the decree should up in the mail, there was a record of the wage garnishment. You have been waiting for 8 months which is going to turn into 14 months. I think with a garnishment order, you can go after any tax return he may get until paid in full. I hope things work out well for you. One more thought, I bet your attorney will have your ex's butt back in court the day after he does not receive payment.
Quoting steviechick:

My atty tried to push the garnishments during the hearing, but the judge said this wasn't a 'normal' child support case and she had no other recourse but to give my ex the chance to make payments - even though he was behind 9 months and made no attempt to make payments.  This isn't a regular child support case.  My ex owes me for personal loans and for financial support for our daughter while she attends college.  If our daughter was a minor I would have received garnishments.  My atty said that we had up to six months to watch the payments (more than likely lack of) before we could push for another hearing and another contempt of court charge.  By the fifth month if my ex was slow paying us or wasn't paying us at all, we will have enough time to get that 2nd charge filed before the holidays set in.  Once October gets here if you don't have a hearing by November 1st you have to wait until Feb/March (like me) to even be heard because there is always a backlog of cases.  So, I'm going to monitor the payments and let my atty know by Sept what's going on so we can get a court case by October.  I'd prefer to get something done in two months time but my atty said that this wasn't a normal cs case.  He also said that it was best to give the ex some time and be so late that the payments I do get will be substantial.  Also, my ex has 90 days to pay me for atty's fees from the date of the first hearing.  I won't be using the money received from the ex to use towards the atty's fees.  It will be held separately.  Which means more than likely another jail sentence (after this one) sometime in August.  The more time my ex goes behind bars the worse off it is for him.  The worse it looks for his 'defense' come October.  By that time, he will have owed me more then before and I'll get an even bigger garnishment which is 25% of his income.  Also, my ex is putting himself into a bigger hole with his employer.  The more time he spends in jail the less he gets promoted at work and is able to get a part-time job to supplement the income he's going to lose eventually. 

As you can see, it all plays out against him if he continues to be a stubborn fool.   I'll just have to be patient and wait it out.  I know it doesn't sound fair but my case is different than regular child support cases. 

Quoting RLSMOM59:

StevieChick

I don't understand why the judge did not garnish his wages right up front. My ex played the i will pay when I feel like it and the judge issued a wage garnishment document and included as part of the divorce papers. If i were you, and I had not received the first payment by the end of the second month, he would be going back to court. The 6 months is too long to string you and you daughter along. Just my thoughts though.

 

Quoting steviechick:

 

 

Quoting MegAbMama:

I agree with what you are saying, though forgiveness is not where I'm at yet (on the inside).  Outwardly I'm not giving in to hate, vindication, revenge, etc.   I do believe in Karma & 'what goes around, comes around' , and I don't want to be hateful and bitter because I don't want that to be how my daughters see me, I want them to see a survivor side of me.  I want them to look back on still good times instead of saying: "remember how mad you were".

 

Hugs, mama!  I'm in the first phases of getting money from the ex.  Already went through court (on Monday) and WON my case!  My ex has three different payments to make as means of restitution to me and my daughter.  He has to pay me back for three different loans and support our daughter while she attends college.  The judge gave my ex up to six months to get things going.  Within the fifth month I am to notify my atty of my ex's progress (or lack thereof).  IF he is in short payment mode I am to notify my atty and then proceed with a third contempt of court charge.  The judge will then rule to garner the ex's wages.  She will have given him enough time to get his act together.  In the meantime, my daughter and I will have to check our banking accounts each month and report to each other.  I've done everything I can to maintain some kind of calmness whenever I speak or relate to the ex in front of my daughter or anyone else I know.  It only gives me unhealthy reactions and all it does is hurt ME and not HIM.  So far, my daughter has seen a surviror and someone very willing to do the right thing.  She also sees a father that has continued to be a total failure and disappointment to her.   Once the second phase of actually getting money happens and my daughter and I are both on a path to forgetting about bad times, we still have the hard times ahead of us.  I just wish we both didn't have to continue dealing with ex and his problems.  Karma is going to set in with my ex sooner or later.  He has three kids with the new wife - two with her.  My ex certainly can't afford these kids and pay what he owes me and my daughter.  His problem to deal with.  He's been a deadbeat for many years.  I have forgiven my ex for cheating on me and everything else he's done to me and my daughter.  Once the money is completely paid back I hope I never have to deal with the ex again.  However, he will always be a father to my child.  It's up to him to be a father or simply walk out on her.  His choice to make.

 

 


 


tottaxi
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:19 PM

I was think the same about the non-payment of the attorney!!!  LOL!  The attorney will tell you to wait it out, but getting their own money will show you how it really needs to be done.  Follow his lead!!!

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