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Divorce & Starting Over Divorce & Starting Over

He says he isn't IN love with me

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 3:48 PM
  • 14 Replies
Just a week ago, my dh of almost 6 years (anniversary is may 25) told me he wants a divorce; said he loves me, but isn't in love with me. He said he is still attracted to me, loves me, and is best friends, but claims we aren't compatible. I thought we were good. I thought we were great. Sex was good. We got along. We like each other's company. I was completely blindsided. I've gone through many emotions. It's been a roller coaster of a week. I've lost 11 lbs and cried way too much. I read a book in 2 days that taught me to have self-respect and to stand up for myself. See, he has always been sweet and kind and seemed to adore me. Since he laid this on me, he has been mean and hateful and cruel. So yesterday was the first day I didn't cry in front of him. It was very difficult. He tried so hard to get a rise out of me. I wouldn't back down. Now today he has taken his ring off. To me, if we are legally still married, the ring should be on. I am not taking mine off. Today he is out looking for a house to rent. He opened a po box and a new checking account. I am so broken. My heart aches so much. I made a commitment and so did he. Love isn't a feeling; it's a commitment. I really think he and I can work it out if he gave it a chance. He is so adamant about leaving. I managed to get him to agree to go to 1 counseling session with me and it is tomorrow morning. Im so nervous and scared. I really hope he changes his mind. Still holding out hope!
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 3:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 6:36 PM
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I'll apologize right up front by telling you that I am not very good at helping people still in the "broken heart" stage.  My divorce was long and bitter and I am just so thankful to finally be divorced and grateful to feel free of his abuse that I guess I really see the breakup of a relationship from the "glass half full" pov.

I know that you feel blindsided, but in retrospect you will probably start remembering red flags that you chose to ignore at the time or were so busy living and, if you have children, dealing with day to day life that they just got lost in the routine.

He has taken off his ring.  That means that he sees himself as available.  It probably also means that he has already found someone, thus the urgent need to find a new place to live.  Working it out is something that you think you want now, but may not want once you have all the details.  Don't waste time and emotion wanting someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings.  The sooner you can accept...and it sounds as though you are approaching this in a good way if you know that you need to maintain your self-respect...the easier it will be and the stronger you will become.

From now on think about yourself.  Rediscover the person you were before you met this guy.  You've probably changed a lot in order to be that great wife and sacrificed yourself to do so.  If he is being mean to you now then there is a lot more to the story than the bs about him loving you but not being IN love with you.  He's trying to shift the blame for the relationship from himself to you.  Don't buy into that.  You did your best.  We all have flaws...we're human.  But he has done something that he is feeling guilty about and now wants to portray himself as the victim.  There are a lot of posts about many men who fit that pattern, so you will find many people here you can identify with.

The end of a relationship is like the death of a loved one.  You will go through the stages of grief and it will take time.  While you are grieving you will have to make many decisions.  I've posted this link before and I think it will be helpful for you to begin focusing on the business end of all of this:

http://drphil.com/articles/article/619

Please feel free to vent and ask questions as you process all that you are and will be dealing with.  Take it a step at a time and remember to breathe.  You will be fine!!!

SnapIt
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 6:43 PM
1 mom liked this
Ugghhh
So sorry

Sucks to be blindsided

Cant help but to think if hes cheated because thats the MO for a cheater
Telling their spouse they arent IN love anymore and then the picking on and angry emotions set in and then the blame game
Its a typical thing and many have gone through it.

As for the ring, dont let it bother you
If his ring is off it means hes done and he couldve been done a long time ago and went through the marriage motions.
Or
Stayed for the kids for as long as he couldve

We cant make a person stay if they dont want to.

Keep your head up
Tesserae
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:27 AM

i got that speech last month. "i love you but i'm not in love with you'. turned out it was primarily because he was lovin' on other women...

I filed for divorce.


Akeso
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 3:31 AM

I second everyone's input here. I have also read on a man's forum that their MO is not to go to counselling so they don't say/reveal anything that could be used against them. Expect non-cooperation. It's a game, and now you are his enemy. Sucks bigtime, unbelievable from the one person you think you can trust as your partner in life. But if you do some digging you'll probably find out there's someone else, unfortunately. I think this been the case for everyone on here. Chin up, look out for protecting yourself and your family and your entitlements. Let us know how you get on!

iSarah
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:13 AM
Not everyone is unfaithful. There isn't anyone else. I know that. All of this hurts so badly because I feel like I never had a chance to work things out.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
tottaxi
by Silver Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:19 AM

 


Quoting Akeso:

I second everyone's input here. I have also read on a man's forum that their MO is not to go to counselling so they don't say/reveal anything that could be used against them. Expect non-cooperation. It's a game, and now you are his enemy. Sucks bigtime, unbelievable from the one person you think you can trust as your partner in life. But if you do some digging you'll probably find out there's someone else, unfortunately. I think this been the case for everyone on here. Chin up, look out for protecting yourself and your family and your entitlements. Let us know how you get on!

Akeso...do you recall the name of the men's forum you were at?  I'd like to check that out!

 

just4ds10ee
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:07 AM

Wow 25 years is a long time to invest in a relationship just to be blindsided like that... sounds like you are beginning to except and move on...it is a process that takes time... you do need to take time to grieve because you are dealing with a loss....his actions do suggest he has already done some things he is feeling guilty about and is tryng to make you angry/hurt with his words and actions so that he can continue with his behavior and not have to feel bad about . Do what you need to maintain your self respect and self esteem... NOT giving him the satisfaction of seeing you cry is a start!!!

Akeso
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 11:43 AM
1 mom liked this

Totaxi it was http://dalrock.wordpress.com/

I believe it was said in the thread about why women of a certain age divorce.

iSarah
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:22 PM
I was so wrong! There is someone else; not just anyone else, either. He says he is in love with an old girlfriend (one that has been trying o break us up our entire relationship) and they are moving in with each other. He claims they haven't done anything. There is no way I can believe him.


Quoting iSarah:

Not everyone is unfaithful. There isn't anyone else. I know that. All of this hurts so badly because I feel like I never had a chance to work things out.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Akeso
by Bronze Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 5:47 AM

Sarah I'm so sorry. At least now you know. You could fight it and tell him off - being strong and territorial (but make him believe what he's losing is worse), or tell him to hit the road, still being strong. Whatever you want for your future. Good luck!

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