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Kind of a different situation...

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 1:47 PM
  • 3 Replies

My husband and I have been informally separated for about a year and a half now. Our daughter and I continued to live with him until two months ago, though...because I couldn't afford to live on my own and I really didn't want to be a burden on anyone, and I was still under his influence of control/abuse. 

So I got over it a loooong time ago. I already knew we'd never work out, I was not going back to him, etc. We lived together, but pretty much lived separate lives most of the time because he was out drinking and smoking weed and hanging out with friends and whatnot. For a year and a half, we'd been separated (not legally), living separately, etc. But he was still trying to control me, still being abusive to me, etc. Then I got extremely sick and finally just snapped and knew I had to leave. I got my daughter and half of our stuff and just left. 

He never really believed that I would go. Even with us being separated, he still didn't think of things in the same sense that *I* was thinking of them. So when I left, I had already been preparing for that moment for a looong time. Yet, he hadn't. He was stunned. And now, two months later, he's feeling lonely and depressed and "wants me back" (although I really don't even think it's that. I think he's just going through the "mourning process" that I went through a year and a half ago). We were miserable together and have almost nothing in common anymore. We don't have the same views or beliefs or ways of living. Just total opposites. Misery. I remind him of these things whenever he tries to sweet talk me or say he misses me. 

About two weeks after I left, I started seeing someone. It's a friend from high school, I know him very well and we've always been good friends...we reconnected on Facebook a while ago, but I wouldn't start anything because I was in a "weird place" in my life (being informally separated, but still living with my ex, etc). I wanted things to be more organized before I started up something new with someone I have so much respect for. But once I moved, I felt comfortable enough and we started dating. I'm extremely happy, things are amazing for me...of course, new love always is...but I have known him for a long time and he's always been an amazing guy. Very positive and healthy and we share the same views and ways of living, etc. My daughter adores him, he's super awesome with kids, his three kids are coming to stay this whole summer and they're really excited, etc. 

And a question: I want to remove my married name from Facebook (I plan to go back to my maiden name when the divorce is final). Is that weird or too soon? My married name doesn't even really serve a purpose...I don't have a career or anything, everyone I know knows my maiden name. I just don't want it to look like I'm being an a-hole to my ex or something. I just have no reason to have my married name on anything anymore. 

by on May. 24, 2013 at 1:47 PM
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Replies (1-3):
bjane01
by Bronze Member on May. 24, 2013 at 3:29 PM
1 mom liked this
As far as Facebook I just think you should leave it alone until your name is legally changed.

Whatever you do never go back to an abusive man. It will just get worse.
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Meg_the_Mermaid
by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Going back to my ex isn't even a thought in my mind or a consideration in ANY way. We haven't been together for a long time already, even when we lived together. We've been separated and I've been over it all for a long time now. I'm seeing a man who has always been good to me, is an amazing person, and I've known him for years (since we were in junior high). I'm solid where I am right now. Thanks for the advice...I know that a lot of women go back and forth with abusive partners, and him and I did do that for many years, but that's way in the past and has been. =)
Quoting bjane01:

As far as Facebook I just think you should leave it alone until your name is legally changed.

Whatever you do never go back to an abusive man. It will just get worse.
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on May. 24, 2013 at 8:08 PM
1 mom liked this

It's not as though facebook is a legal document.  You can call yourself Meg_the_Mermaid if you want!  I have a friend who has always used her maiden name because her intention for joining facebook was to reconnect with people from her school days.

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