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Call me crazy.

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:02 PM
  • 6 Replies

My husband has known I wasnt happy for awhile. We've been trying to make it work for a few years now. We'll finally last night I asked for a separation. Since we're military and live so far from home, and Im in school at night, we figured we would just live in the same house, since we never see each other during the week and swap weekends at the house with the kids. If things go we'll I plan on doing this up until I finish school (year and a half to go). I think everthing will be fine since we've always been really good friends. We just suck at being married. Last night we both stayed up pretty late crying and planning out the future. Im confused why I feel so sad and heartbroken if I knew this was what I wanted and Im the one who initiated it... Any advice would be helpful really... =/

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:02 PM
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Replies (1-6):
CrystalN82
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:15 PM

I am in the exact same situation.  Only we are staying in the same house for money reasons, but it is getting to the point where I almost would rather struggle financially than continue in this situation.  We have been together for 10 yrs, been married for 8 of those years and have 2 children.  I am the one who has been unhappy for years and about 6 months ago I told him I wanted to seperate, it was his idea to stay in the same house.  The complicated part is I met someone who is also getting divorced and wants me to get things moving so we can be together but I am scared.  My husband has a very scary temper, plus I am scared I can't afford all of our bills once he leaves.  But I know if I want to move on with the new guy I have to end my marriage for good.  *sigh* Nothing is easy I swear LOL.

I totally see where your coming from, your not crazy at all!  When the husband and i talk about that stuff I get emotional because it is sad.  You almost feel like you failed, plus it is so many years of your life that will now come to an end.  And in many ways he is like your best friend and you don't want to hurt him.  Plus if there are children involved then you feel like your going to scar them for life....believe me I am dealing with all of this. 

Well if you need someone to talk to who can totally relate send me a message :)

ivf_blessed
by Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 2:40 PM

In VA, you can share a home but if you share a bed, share meals, even wash laundry together, technically, you are not separated.  You might want to check where you are on this.

I left my husband and separated our bank accounts.  I do not rely on him for anything financially.  Even though he is not agreeing to a divorce, I have started grounds for divorce but will have to wait a year before I can file (per VA state rules).

Sorry that I don't have any other advice - good luck!!

xxshandellxx
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:18 PM

Oh Im definitely gonna take you up on that. We too cant afford to go to seperate houses, or anything for that matter. We do plan on sleeping in sepeate rooms. We also have 2 kids involved =(

Quoting CrystalN82:

I am in the exact same situation.  Only we are staying in the same house for money reasons, but it is getting to the point where I almost would rather struggle financially than continue in this situation.  We have been together for 10 yrs, been married for 8 of those years and have 2 children.  I am the one who has been unhappy for years and about 6 months ago I told him I wanted to seperate, it was his idea to stay in the same house.  The complicated part is I met someone who is also getting divorced and wants me to get things moving so we can be together but I am scared.  My husband has a very scary temper, plus I am scared I can't afford all of our bills once he leaves.  But I know if I want to move on with the new guy I have to end my marriage for good.  *sigh* Nothing is easy I swear LOL.

I totally see where your coming from, your not crazy at all!  When the husband and i talk about that stuff I get emotional because it is sad.  You almost feel like you failed, plus it is so many years of your life that will now come to an end.  And in many ways he is like your best friend and you don't want to hurt him.  Plus if there are children involved then you feel like your going to scar them for life....believe me I am dealing with all of this. 

Well if you need someone to talk to who can totally relate send me a message :)


xxshandellxx
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:20 PM

We plan on being seperate... completely. He works all day and right when he gets home, I leave for school until 10:30pm. So during the weeks theres not an issue and I think were gonna swap weekends at the house with the kids. I wish I didnt have to rely on him financially tho. But Ive been a stay at home mom for 4 years and Im now in school. Life blows.

Quoting ivf_blessed:

In VA, you can share a home but if you share a bed, share meals, even wash laundry together, technically, you are not separated.  You might want to check where you are on this.

I left my husband and separated our bank accounts.  I do not rely on him for anything financially.  Even though he is not agreeing to a divorce, I have started grounds for divorce but will have to wait a year before I can file (per VA state rules).

Sorry that I don't have any other advice - good luck!!


MamaHens3
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:05 PM

If this is what you see able to work, and he can agree with it do it. You aren't crazy, fact that he agrees with what you feel and want to have happen. An he is ok with it, shows he isn't happy either so it works out also for him. You two can still live together, but not together and these days at times its easier to stay together then get a divorce. If kids are involved, the father would be SOL with child support paying alimony if it's set. So he'd be broke, if all it is are parties needed space. Not able to get out of the house, and split up an can work together to make it work for a time do it. 

I know when I split from my XDH, I told him we could stay live together for the time it took for divorce. I could get a part time, to full when he's not working so he can watch the kids etc. I was a stay at home mom, house wife etc so I wasn't working. He didn't want that, turns out he had a girlfriend "friend" was coming over soon after. Why he wanted me gone, he could get his soon girlfriend coming over. An he could tell her how we really were split up, vs just saying it. Fact that he's ok with you still in the home, just another room shows he still cares. That's a plus, my now XDH got me an apt that I moved in that same month, if not shortly next month that came. 

tempsingl3mom
by Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:33 PM

You aren't crazy. This happens more than you think. Especially in this economy. I think it also helps with the kids as it gives them an adjustment period.

My ex left me and stayed at a friend's during the week while I stayed in the house with the kids. Every other weekend, I would go stay with family so that he could stay in the house with the kids. The downside to that for me was that I no longer trusted him and having him in my house, while I wasn't there, really started to bother me. We also swapped vehicles since his didn't have enough room for the kids. But he would always use all the gas. Also, since he had keys to the house, he came and went as he pleased. And moved out whatever stuff he wanted as he pleased. Then sold things (which you are legally not allowed to do while going thru a divorce but I couldn't prove it).

You are sad and heartbroken because it is still the end of your marriage. I understand it.

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