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Need advice --getting married again!

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:12 AM
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I went through a rough divorce and shortly after met a really wonderful man who also had been recently divorced. After 6 months of dating we moved in together (with our 5 total kids) and then a little more than a year after that got engaged. Despite all the amazing, positive things happening, I had a difficult time with the transitions and our relationship has had to endure some rocky roads. I truly was not sure I would be able to move forward with it. However, with the guidance of trusted family members I am refusing to live in fear of life and decided to embrace and be excited about all the changes. That's life, right?

My challenge, however, is my girlfriends. I love them as much as any of my sisters and they have been there for me for many, many years. It took them a bit of time to warm up to my fiancΓ©, but now seem to like him. And to make matters worse they are my confidantes, so of course I vented to them when I was having trouble. All are married and have never been divorced. Now, I've been engaged for 6 months and am trying to plan my wedding and be excited, but it seems my friends are afraid I am once again moving too fast. I know they want the best for me, but it's hard to be excited when I feel like I have to keep reassuring them. It's frustrating and upsetting. I don't know how to reconcile this-any advice?

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:12 AM
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Replies (1-5):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:12 AM

What are your friends' concerns other than you are moving too fast?

WorkinMomma0509
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:51 AM

Good question! When my ex-husband left I was in a very difficult position...a newborn and a 4-year old, a house I couldn't afford on my own and LOTS of financial problems to clean up. I had to restart my whole life---my kids and I have had a long road (that was almost 4 years ago now). We are finally settled again--and happy!

I think they are afraid I am not thinking things through and as such may one day realize I made a mistake, putting myself and my children in a situation I can't easily get out of after buying a house and getting married.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Oct. 9, 2013 at 4:16 PM
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The home that you mention buying...did YOU buy this home?  Having gone through a really miserable divorce where I was pretty much raped financially, I can tell you that I will never marry without a prenuptial agreement just to protect myself financially in the future.  Maybe if you cya in that way your friends will feel better about you remarrying.  If your new man is NOT willing to see that you need to protect your assets for your peace of mind then it may indicate that your friends are right and that there is a problem (or hidden agenda).

If the home that you mention is one that you and new guy are buying together then there is no problem.  It will be marital and half of it rightly yours if the marriage should fail.  If the home is in HIS name only then you again have a problem and need a prenup stating exactly how your investment in the home would be dealt with (even if you are a sahm) in the event of divorce.

Marriage...whether it is the first time or the tenth...has to be more than just an emotional consideration.  It has to be financially practical and well-thought out to protect both parties.  Anyone who feels that that isn't "romantic" is either naive or looking to profit in some way.  Nothing is more romantic to me now than knowing that my future is financially secure and that I don't have to be on guard that I am going to be taken advantage of in the name of "Love".

WorkinMomma0509
by on Oct. 18, 2013 at 12:56 PM

Thank you for the good advice! Because of the financial disaster left in the wake of my divorce I can't be part of the purchase, but I am putting up a capital investment. before I had a chance to ask, however, my fiance suggested we have something in writing outlining our investment and rights as it relates to the home. That was a relief!

Also had brunch with my girlfriends - they love my fiance but were worried I was rushing into a long term commitment without giving myself a chance to truly recover from my divorce. They did have good points but ultimately I feel I am making a good decision and, after talking it out, they are supportive.

Thank you again for the advice!

Monsita
by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 9:35 PM
.....so...when is your wedding!?
Hope all is well.
Congratulations!
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