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Amicable Separation?

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:48 PM
  • 4 Replies

My eight year marriage is coming to an end. We have known for a while, but are finally doing something about it. We have 3 kids, and are trying to stay amicable for the kids. We don't hate each other, there is just no love between us any more and we were fighting all the time about every last thing. We have tried counseling, but we are just two different people.

I am staying in our house, he is moving to an apartment. I have guilt over that, but am trying to move past it.  I have mostly been the caretaker for the kids, but we are going to share custody for now. He hasn't been the best father, but I don't want to cut him out of their lives either. Since we don't have a lot of extra money, we are going to try to have most things figured out before we go to a mediator/lawyer to finalize everything.

I know there will be ups and downs through this process, but we are going to try our hardest to do whats best for the kids and both be involved in their lives. The biggest thing for me now is dealing with not being with the kids every day. It's eating me up inside and I hope it gets better. We haven't split yet, but will in the next month or so and I just have so many mixed emotions about it.

There is so much more, but that's a start! Anyway, I came to this site to get advice and support as I move along in the process from people who have gone through this.  

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:48 PM
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Replies (1-4):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 23, 2014 at 1:40 PM

Do you understand what "shared custody" means?  There have been a few people who are really having problems with their shared parenting agreements on here lately.  The court isn't going to ever allow stbx to be cut out of the kids' lives, so don't even give that a thought.  Even with joint or sole custody he will be awarded liberal visitation.  "Going for shared custody now"...makes me think that you figure that you will take that for a test drive and that changing it in the future is possible.  Changing a custody order is VERY difficult, so when you create this agreement you really need to think long, long term.  Some states will not even consider a change in custody until two years after the first agreement is ordered and it would take a "major change in circumstance" in order to alter the original.

Check out your state's website on child custody and make sure you understand the differences.  Please ask us any questions about how those types work in real life, not just on paper.  Details in ANY agreement are key to the success of that agreement.  We can help you with what has worked and what has not in our own and give you ideas on what you need to ask for to help you avoid some of the pitfalls we have discovered the hard way.

kacb12
by New Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 2:25 PM

Sorry, I am new to all the terminology! I do know that they are hard to change once in place and it's not my intent to cut him out completely nor do I want to, I will definately go look up the difference between each type before I agree to anything. Right now, due to our finances, we haven't done anything legally yet.

He is going to move out in the next month or so, and we will share the kids 50/50. What I am worried about is that since I do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, giving the kids baths, etc he won't be able to handle it. He says he will but past actions lead me to have doubts. Who knows. Maybe he will surprise me. As long as that works, we will go to the lawyers or mediator and have custody already mostly worked out and we won't have to fight over it, just be a matter of getting it all down in writing and working out the small stuff.

Thanks for your help!  

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 23, 2014 at 3:34 PM

Just a word to the wise when it comes to shared custody...be sure to put in stipulations as to remaining in the same school district (at a minimum the same high school district) and that failure to do so changes the "shared" to "joint" with the parent that remains in place as CP.  So many do not have any restrictions like that and end up driving miles and hours in order to make the exchange with no compensation of travel costs and the parent that moves often wants to enroll the child into a school near them.  They also start refusing to get the child to extra curricular activities.  With shared custody comes shared legal decision making, so these types of situations...unless dealt with in the CO...require litigation.

I hope it all works out and that your remain amicable.  Sometimes this changes when new people enter our lives.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:47 PM

Google "DivorceCare" it's a support group that meets typically on Friday nights, you will meet people who are in the same boat, it's very helpful, and cheap! Also, if he has the kids it will give you something to do. Good for you for doing your best to get along and do the whole thing inexpensively. I know people who spent as little as $500 and as much as over $50,000.00 on their divorces! Lawyers will eat up a TON of money if you use them as therapists, don't be chatty with them. But I would try to get a couple of free consults just to gather as much information as you can.

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